How do you cope with BM as a step---mom Part 2

[rachaelmomma]

>"... I don't really care what her mom does at her
>house.  That is her house and she has the right to run it
>however she wants.  However,SD  is currently in my and her
>father's house.  We make the rules here. Not her and not her
>mother.  The day either of them pay our mortgage is the day
>they can tell us how to run our household, but until that
>happens we will run our house the way we see fit.  She doesn't
>have to like it, as a matter of fact, I could gurantee that
>she WON'T like the rules.  I didn't like the rules at my
>mother's house either.  BUT she will follow them.  That's just
>how it is.  Then it should be up to your DH and you to enforce
>the rules. "


I could not agree more!!

My SD (7) is well aware of the double standards in her life and manipulates were possible to the fullest.  She is the queen of her mother's castle and runs the show there... and knows it.  In my opinion that is one of the WORST kinds of child abuse - giving children absolutely no bounds and no guideance.  At our house she is a kid and nothing more.  She is loved and cared for however she has rules and knows she has to follow them.  Children are smart and learn quickly.  The key is that you and your DH have to have discussed punishments and rules prior to the problem so that you can form a united front in faceing them.

For example, when my SD was 5 she learned how to role her eyes and was starting to be a serious brat about roling her eyes at everyone who told her to do something.  We had a few talks about it...she didn't change... didn't realize I ment business.  I gave her one last "talk" before punishment was introduced... she called my bluff and got a spanking, time-out (the ultimate form of torcher for this attention demanding child), and a strong lecture from my DH.  My SIL thought I was the devil incarnate for enforcing a rule on this precious child but my DH and I had already talked about it and he was well aware that I would not put up with any form of disrespect from a child to an adult unless the adult and the child were both playing at the time (and I generally disaprove of that as well).  She didn't role her eyes (in my presence anyway) since until a few weeks ago (2 yrs later mind you) and as soon as she did it she shot me a horrified look!  You could see the worry on her face that she was going to be in big trouble...she knew what the rule was and what the consequences were and I think she beat herself up over it much more than that Time-out from me ever could have.  I just had to give her a look and she headed streight for her room.

Now please don't take this as me being Cinderella's evil step-mom.  I love my SD and do all the spoiling and buying for her, and planning for her visits that you and others here have spoken of.  I will give her the moon as long as she is a well mannered respectful child who diserves such spoiling.  On the same note she gets nothing if she acts in our house the way that she does in her mother's house.  My DH has numerous time solved a "I'm sick and need mommy to stay home with me" falicy by telling SD that if she was too sick to go to school the next morning that he would come stay with her...meraculously she was cured overnight and ready for school the next day...funny how BM doesn't see this for what it is...

A thought for making sure everyone is clear on the house rules:  Write up a list of basic house rules along with the consequences of breaking them.  Do this as a family unit...include you, your SO, and the Skids.  Let everyone have a say but let it be known that you and your SO have the ultimate say on any disputes (you are afterall the adults).  The rules can be as simple as wash you hands and face after dinner or pick up your things before you leave the house to more complex issues of respect and privacy.  

The key is that these rules apply to everyone so you and your SO will have to be especially vigilant that ALL of you follow the rules even if you have to put yourself in timeout for breaking one to show the skids that no one is allowed to break them (I had to do that once... SD was tickled!!).  Once all the rules and consequences have been discussed, have everyone sign them and post them on the fridge.  Then the next time a rule is broken it is not you...the mean evil stepmom with a big hairy stepmom wart who is enforcing the rules but the rule sheet on the fridge which everyone has signed.  All you have to do is point out the infraction and make the kid go read what the punishment is then enforce the rule (preferably make SO enforce the rule).

Ok ... sorry for the long winded responce... just one more thought...

The difference in the love that your SS shows to you vs the lack of love and disdain that your SD shows to you is probably jealousy.  Little girls want to be the most important woman in their daddy's life.  If you really are honest with yourself you ar probably a little jealous of the attention that she (another woman) gets from your SO.  It is OK to feel this just not OK to let it rule your life or to show it to your SD.  A lot of SMs feel jealousy toward the attention that their DH or SO gives to the Skids.  It is natural and normal.  As far as this jealousy from your SD to you goes, your SO will need to be the one to handle it.  Your SO needs to have a sincere talk with his daughter.  He needs to reinforce his love for her as well as let her know that he loves you too and you are here to stay.  He needs to let her know that her attitude and disrespect for you will not be tolerated period.

I promise you that if your SO will take a strong stance with you and enforce the house rules it WILL get better and your SD will eventually show you respect as an adult figure in her life, if not actually love and respect you as a 2nd mother.

Good luck to you and God Bless

Rachael

[almostastepmom]

Thanks, I found one and got it.... It's on its way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[almostastepmom]

I thank everyone for writing in... it does help out a lot.  

There is some truth in the fact that I am jealous of the way the skids love their father, I wish I had that love in my life with them also, but I don't let it get to me and continue on with life.  I do cherish every hug, kiss, and loving words or moments that I have with them and these are things I hold in my thoughts.

Now I have sent a copy of both letters (one from mom saying I'm the problem and one from SD saying SO misunderstood her) to our lawyer.  I also made sure that I pointed out to her that BM lied in her letter saying that SD only went to the shrink this fall and doesn't need to see him any more, but when SO asked SD where she wrote the note at, because it was obviously not written by a 9 year old, she replyed that she wrote it at the "Doctors" office.  

Now if and when we go to court is that not good evidence that the BM lies?  And since both children are scared of her do you think having the judge talk to them would be a good idea or not?  

[rachaelmomma]

Perhaps a better person to talk to the children is a child advocate.  The judge may scare them just because he/she is such an athority figure.  A child advocate is someone appointed by the court to review the case and talk to all parties involved.  The child advocate supposidly should be able to give the judge an unclouded view of what is truely going on.

Good luck to you.

R

[joni]

Also, judges are not trained in child psychology.  You run the risk, when they talk to a judge, of the judge not interviewing them in your favor or misinterpreting what a child says.