How do we handle this??

[stressedstepmom]

Have 2 SS ages 14 and 13. 14 yr old just informed me that he is getting his lip pierced on friday. He also informed me of some weird new thing he did with his hair consisting of shaving some parts and different colors. The hair doesn't really bother me, last year 13 yr old showed up with a mohawk and we solved that real fast by introducing him to a hat.

BM is apparently signing a consent form for 14 yr old to have his lip done, that is the part that we are frantic over. She has not contacted DH at all about this matter. In fact from what SS says, it was up to him to tell his father, so he told him on the online messanger when he knew his father was nowhere around. When he was talking to me today I informed him that his dad had no clue about any of this, and SS finds the whole thing amusing. When I gave him my opinion, he did ask for it, he got defensive and said that he was only trying to express himself.

 I have researched NY state law and can only find that any body piercing done on someone under 18 other than the ears (which they both had done at ages 11 and 12 top and bottom of ear!!) needs to have parental consent. This just doesn't seem right.

I know someone will ask what is in their divorce degree. That is so old, it  is the original and from when the boys were 2 and 3. It covers nothing about who can do what, only thing medical in there is that DH has to provide all insurance and that any leftovers is to be split 50/50. So basically this is going to mean that DH is screwed I am sure and that 14 yr old SS is now going to have a hole in his lip, might get hepatitis or a bad infection, will possibly damage a nerve and loose feeling in that area of his face. But as long as he is allowed to express himself...

If we can't stop this then I guess we will just have to have a band-aid rule in effect all summer. I do not want our 11 and 8 yr old sons thinking that is so cool and wanting that done.  We have no problems with piercings, tattoos, hair styles/colors but we do feel that as parents we need to establish some boundaries and have some realistic rules about those things.

I guess I really don't have any questions, but I would love anyones input about how they would deal with this.  Every time we turn around it is something else with this woman!!

[4honor]

Inform BM that DH objects in WRITING. Make sure you also let her know that due to the risks, if she allows this to happen by signing the consent form, that DH will hold her personnally responsible for any/all infections, scars and deformations as a result. Let her know SS cannot wear the object through his lip at your house.

Then stick by it and don't let him show the hole at any time while at your home, either. (Buy him some Barbie bandaids)

Continue to practice the "my house my rules" thing. I used to tell my SS that "I could be the wicked step mother if necessary", but he was not going to _____________ (fill in the blank) in MY house.

If you will see SS before this is set to occur, maybe having a discussion about his future would get through... show him picutes of people who are successful looking and then some street urchins. Ask him who he thinks makes more $$.

Tell him you would rather he expressed himself in an art form he could sell and make some $$ for college rather than as body piercings or other body art.

[stressedstepmom]

Thanks for the great advice 4, but unfortunately it doesn't seem we will be doing anything. DH has become a doormat to PBFH and now to both SS and he is basically afraid to voice his opinion if it differs from the boys.

He did call BM and tell her that he was worried about SS safety, and that he would have appreciated a call from her to discuss all of this. She went off on him and said she didn't need his permission to do anything with "her" children and that he is not a part of their lives at all (???) and that she was not going to be lectured by him. She was getting ready to hang up, but I guess SS walked in the room so she started yelling at DH about why was he going to call CPS on her (a threat he never made) and why was he calling her a bad mother. So he just hung up on her.

 SS did call later but he wanted to know if there was going to be any problems on his visitation. His way basically of seeing is dad was going to call CPS. We made the mistake of getting CPS involved last year and learned fast that they don't give a crap or do anything for that matter.  So DH just folded and said no that he was only calling BM to voice his concern for SS safety.

We both know that regardless of what DH says SS will do what his mother allows him to get away with. But I still believe that DH should make his opinions well known and not just be silent.  DH though is at the point where he doesn't want any more conflict.

Had a nice little argument about the double standard he plans to pull with both SSs when they are here, and I let him know that he can keep quiet but I am not.  I have no problem being the evil stepmother if that is what I have to be. I am not going to make our children follow the rules but let my SSs have free reign just because I don't want them to be mad at me. They can be mad at me, hate me, be miserable or whatever, but they are going to do all that while they are getting the same treatment as everyone else.

I am at my wits end. I  can understand where DH is coming from (he did have a very rough time with them at the start of the summer last year and they did say things just to hurt him) but I believe that that comes with being a parent. I don't think they should get special treatment just to avoid conflict.

Didn't mean to get completely off the subject here :) Just once the rant starts it is hard to stop it sometimes. Thanks for the advice, I will keep it for the future because judging from the past haha we will have plenty of oppurtunities to use it later.

[flewwellin]

Well, for a 14 yr old that seems a bit irresponsible of his mom.  My husband does have his lip peirced so I can tell you that as long as he keeps it clean it shouldn't get infected.  Try to make sure that he goes to a reputable peircer also, only because it's going to happen irregardless of how you and your husband feel.  And to be honest it just takes all kinds of parents.  My husband's mom signed for him to get a tattoo at 16 yrs old.  Unfortunately you have a blended family and therefor blended parenting styles.  His mother seems to either do this to piss you both off OR genuinely thinks it's okay.  Good luck with it.  Oh yeah for the lip peircing make sure to keep mouth wash handy to help keep it clean when he's at your house.

[flewwellin]

I'm sorry I disagree with 4honor.  I know a lot of very successful men AND women who have peircings and tattoos.  Just because some ppl have decided to express themselves through body art doesnt' mean that they will be "street urchins"  I know a man personally that owns tattoo and body peircing studios and is very very rich off of these stores.  His newest business he has picked up is a Spa.  Yep he has a business that caters to the rich ppl to help pamper them.  Guess what... It's a huge hit.  His bank account is loving it I'm sure.  So don't think just because he has a peircing or whatever other form of body art he decides on later, because he probably will, doesnt' mean that he is going to be worthless and not make a good living.  

[joni]

Piercings and body tattoos are a highly volatile area.  Reading the prior posts, there are strong opinions for and against it.  Clearly, your house is viamently opposed and the BM's house is supportive of this teenager's decision.

In my opinion, althought I NEVER hope my children would want this, I think there's a point where you have to respect what the teenager wants.  This child is 14, he's not young.  At the age of 12-14, judges start to listen to preferences of what the child wants.

Maybe the mom is instigating the matter to annoy you, maybe she's being supportive of what the the teenager wants.  I think you have to listen really close to the child here.  Is this what the child wants or is he doing it because mom is putting him up to it?

I have to be honest, I didn't like reading how you put a hat on the kid's hat when he had a mohawk.  I think that's suffocating of his self expression and kids at this age do that sort of thing.  I feel this will only alienate you from him.

As far as your own children go, at this point in time, they know how you feel about these things and that's how you're raising them.  Children are so smart and they're exposed to enticing, interesting life things every day whether it would be on TV or in school or at a friend's house.  As a kid, I found this stuff fascinating but I already knew in my heart and mind what was right for me.  Some things influenced me, like a 2nd ear piercing and contacts.  Other things did not influence me, like doing drugs and underaged drinking.  Good raising by my parents allowed me the strength and confidence to make my own decisions.

If this was my child and I disagree with a lip piercing (I personally do but I would have to listen to what my 14 y.o. wanted), this is what I would do.  I would ask the child to wait to have this done until you had a visitation with him because you wanted to discuss this in person.  I would then talk to the child and see if he were sincere in wanting this or if he were being egged on by mom to annoy you.  I would make an appointment with a plastic surgeon (not a pediatrician) or a dermatologist.  I would have the doctor then discuss the pros and cons of having this lip piercing done.  Maybe the doctor even has photos of piercings with bad scarring or infections that could show the kid the reality of having this done.

I would also call the school and find out what they're policy is in regard to self expression.  If there's a school policy against it, case closed, child can't have it done if it interferes with his education.  If the school permits this, consider that the school is supportive of children having this sort of self expression.

As far as mom goes, of course my SD's is a psycho too.  My first knee jerk reaction is to assume she does everything to get back at us, which she probably does.  But many times I overreact and take her way too personally because of the past history of despicable things that's she's done to us.  For my own sanity, I have learned to chill out and not take her so personally.

[stressedstepmom]

I myself nor my DH have problems with tattoos or piercings. Our problem from the start with SS getting this done has been his age, and the fact that BM didn't even think to talk to DH about SS getting this done. I do believe that children have the right to express themselves, but I also believe that there needs to be a limit to what they can do. He is still a child. 14 may not be that young, but it also isn't that old.

BM lets both boys do anything they want, because she HAS to be the cool mom. She does not now nor has she ever disciplined them. Yet anytime a problem comes up that she can't handle it is somehow our fault. She allows them to cuss and watch all kinds of inappropriate shows and movies, yet when one of them decides to go off on her and give her a lashing like you wouldn't believe, it is again OUR fault.

We are constantly tip toeing around issues with her. She has called CPS on us because we didn't stick to her diet of fast food and junk food. Gasp...we eat veggies other than corn in this house. Gasp...we discipline our children and have taught them to show respect for other people or things. Gasp...we have raised our children to clean up after themselves, and not yell that they are being treated like slaves when people expect that of them.

We both feel that this sudden interest in   lip piercing is just more of her doing. He claims he has wanted this for 2 years. We have never heard about it before now. He talks to us, so it seems that he would have mentioned it. This and what he has planned with his hair for this summer both seem to be wanted so that he can get a shock out of people.  And every "shocking" thing that both boys are always doing are done right before they come here to spend time with us.

As far as making the other SS wear a hat last year when he had a mohawk.  We didn't really have a problem with the mohawk. But we did have rules. Like when we went to certain events that it be left down and not colored every color of the rainbow. So he would leave it down but color it. Then he would get to wear a hat.

Plus, we have 2 other boys ages 8 and 11. Every year we get hit with the can I haves. They want their ears pierced, they want cell phones, they want no boundaries on what they are allowed to watch, or how they are allowed to act in public. Oh that is another thing, we live close to D.C. and there are many different ethnic groups here. Both SS's but especially the youngest, think that it is great fun to openly make fun of these people.  He sees someone middle eastern and he starts talking like Apu from the Simpsons, but where these people can hear them. He did that last year at the mall and I took him over there to apologize. BM got all upset that I embarrassed him. He is allowed to act that way at home.  But back on topic, both of our boys want all of the things their brothers have or to do what they are allowed to do. Where do you draw the line for self expression? Do I just go up to someone in the store and say "I am sorry, my stepson is raised in a racist home, and even though I do not agree with his behavior, we need to let him express himself"?

There are so many things and we try to filter out the ones that we know are her just trying to get under our skin. But sometimes it is hard. Like with the lip piercing again. I remember wanting certain things done when I was his age (actually I think I was 16) I remember my parents letting me tell them what I wanted and why, and I remember my parents telling me no. I remember doing some of them anyway, but I also remember not doing the others because I knew my dad would kick my ass.  It seems that it is getting to the point where parents, wether divorced or not, aren't going to have any say in anything that their children do.

I am lucky though. I have been a part of my SS's lives for so long that they do talk to me and at least pretend to listen to me at times or even consider my advice. I can say "our" and "we" and "us" when in reality I am talking about DH and "his" kids.  

We are not trying to make him feel that he can't express himself. What we are trying to do though , is show him that he is only 14. It isn't going to kill him to wait a few years before he does this. We have talked to him about the safety issues and talked about going to a doctor with him. He doesn't care. He doesn't care about any of it. All he cares is that mom said yes and we said no, and even though it doesn't matter what we said as far as him actually doing it goes, he thinks we are against him. It is that way with both boys anytime we say no about anything, or anytime we expect them to follow the same rules in our house that our othe children do.  They need to understand that parents don't always just say yes. That as parents, no matter what they think about it or if they like it, it is our jobs until they are 18 to make some of these decisions for them.

[flewwellin]

I hope you didn't take my posts as being against you, because I didn't mean it to come across that way.  I understand your concern that a 14 year old boy who legally can't get his lip peirced with out an older person's signature wants to do something as extreme as getting his lip peirced.  I too wouldn't allow my child to do this.  

Of course she has to be the "cool" mom.  I can tell you she is probably VERY intimidated by you and your relationship with her kids (your step son's).  It sounds like you have a close relationship with these kids and that is wonderful.  The only consolation I can give you with this is that when they get older and they see and remember what kind of mother you were and what kind of mother she is they will need a strong woman (you) to lean on.  They are going to notice just how horrible their mom is and they are going to need you to be there to try and help them get through this and even encourage them to maintain a relationship with her. ( I am sure there are other things that she has done that will cause some hard feeling later on in their life)

I applaud you on how you are raising your children.  It isn't easy to tell them "NO" and not give them everything they want.  I haven't entered this aspect of parenting yet cause 1st- my step daughter is 6 and my step son is 4 I love both very very much but they are still pretty young to be going through what you are experiencing now.  2nd -- I am pregnant with my first child (22wks) and this will be their first "Half" Brother or Sister.  I Hope to be able to do as good as you seem to be doing.  

Of course the lip peircing subject is her doing!  Remember she has to be the "cool" mom!  This isn't going to change but like you or someone I believe posted earlier if you and your husband are that set against it's your right to make your step son take the ring out.  Depending on how long she has them determines whether the hole will close.  My husband can take his out very often and not put it back in for awhile and the hole doesn't close.  OR you can just demand he give you the ring and not allow him to replace it.  That is your right.  All I ask is for you to consider the "cool" mom thing.  If you make him get rid of his peircing you become the enemy (I know that isn't fair) and his mom is all the better.  Nothing will please his mom more than if this happens.  Do you want her to win?

As for his hair.... you did a lot better than me! I think I'd have shaved it off!  Yes it is a form of "body art" but that would drive me crazy!  I know "why am I okay with peircings and tattoos and not strange hair styles? "  I don't know but its how I feel.  

Now going from clothing and peircings to racist comments I totally agree no matter what his mother does at her house I agree that he has NO RIGHT to make someone feel bad or wortheless.  that is what racist comments do to ppl.  Stay strong on this one he'll appreciate it later.

I say keep doing as you are it's your decisions that matter when he is in your house.  Stand strong he may not like it now but he'll live.  

[BigFamily]

Hello,

Just following the string, and it seems to me that you should support his decision to get the piercing. Let me explain to you my reasoning:

First, if your husband's ex is anything like mine (which it sounds like she is), she's probably the one that brought up the piercing, and the one encouraging your step-son to get it. Why? Because it's going to, well, GETTING you in an uproar. You're responding EXACTLY the way she wants you to respond.
When I picked my step-son up from school one day, he had the sides of his head shaved and the top bleached white. I hated it, as did my husband. However, we told our step-son that it looked different. After it had grown out, and no hoo-ha had been raised by myself or my husband, his hair was never cut like that again. Coincidence? Not likely.

Second, take your step-son around to different piercing places to find out how much it costs, what is involved with the procedure, daily cleaning, risks involved, etc. A lot of times, if children in this situation see that they aren't going to get the "attention" that they expected (which he's probably using the situation to play one parent off of the other or enjoys the "extra" attention) the desire will go away.

Third, if, on the off chance that it DOESN'T go away, let your step-son know that there WILL be certain rules that WILL be followed when he is at your home if he gets the piercing.

In this manner, you can be supportive of his "expressing himself", but you can also keep the "parentage hand" by applying rules you expect him to follow if YOU ALLOW him to get the piercing.