Criminal court is over, so now...

[4honor]

we have to figure out what the heck we are doing and file for a change in parenting plan based on the fact that SS has a no-contact order with DS1 and DS2.

SS is also going to have to register as a sex offender in the state of WA.

So if you have a child under 15 at Bellingham High in Bellingham, WA, email me.

SS pled guilty as charged to rape of a child in the first degree.

[dipper]

Hi 4honor, I was wondering how things are going on this?  Are ds1 and ds2 your sons - or you and dh's sons?  

Are you going to be comfortable being around ss yourself?  

I hope you and your family have a peaceful holiday..

[4honor]

DS1 & DS2 are both DH & I's sons.

DH's car died, and so there has been only a short contact between DH and SS since his sentencing... except for by telephone. SS calls DH's cell alot. SS can't use public transportation yet as what he can and cannot do is dictated by the requirements of the treatment program -- an evolving set of rules according to where in the program you are at.

I have not spoken with SS since court -- in court. I told him that this case was not about punishment but about making sure he received the help and the tools he needed to have a normal healthy life as an adult.

The judge turned and looked at SS and said, "You do realize that what you did was not normal or healthy? and that your actions have devasted this whole family, not just your little brothers, but your Mom and Dad, step mom, grandparents and yourself?" SS said "yes sir." The judge made SS look around the court room and see how many people had rallied together to support him in this. Then SS hung his head.

At court, we met BM's new SO. He is a very nice man, and an NCP. He is dealing with his own PBFH and BM is the new GF in that situation. Gonna see it from the other side. SO says that he sees how BM is relentlessly angry at DH and he is trying to give her some perspective on the NCP side. We shall see. He stuck by BM's side throughout the court case.

My inlaws are having SS, BM, and her SO to dinner after Christmas. I just keep telling them "Good luck with that." That underlying anger just keeps messing BM up. She holds it together for so long and then blows  in and out like hurricane force winds. I hope she can keep it together until SS graduates.

I can see where DH's lack of action and BM's alienation have worked on SS to make him the sick puppy that he is. SS's understanding of the things BM told him led him to beliive that his little (half) brothers were nothing to him, they were "not real". By making them "pretend" they were devalued/objectified in SS' eyes... it became OK for him to use them as he did... at least in his mind... since they weren't real.

I tell DH he is welcome to have his relationship apart from us. (SS has a "no Contact" order which covers DS1 and DS2 -- which as far as I know, runs until the younger boys are 18 -- 10 & 11 years respectively.)

I am still too angry with SS. I see my sons having emotional melt downs at school because they forgot their homework and I wonder how much of the behavior is their raging against the lack of control they are feeling and how much is normal kid selfish tantrum.

I do however, behave -- at all times -- as if I were standing in front of the judge. It makes me nauseous to think about.

[dipper]

4honor,

Anger is normal.  However, I am relieved that you truly do want help for ss.   So many times people seem to deny or abandon and not actually work proactively to remedy the situation.  

That is a very good statement - behaving as if you were in front of the judge at all times.  

Hopefully the situation with bm will yield results.  I know that I think of things from the NCP's side now since I married dh.  I want to believe that I am doing things for my children's best interests and not because of any lingering issues between the ex and I.  

You are very strong.....

[4honor]

heck, I don't even particularly want to be right. I just want to quit getting blamed for SS's record cause I call police and stopped the abuse and got him the help he desperately needed in spite of incredible opposition from his mother and DH's parents.

I stood up to my family and did not abandon SS in the system and in spite of my feelings. I got the little guys counseling. I kept my eyes on the end result...

... and all it cost me was 100+ days of migraines in a year, my job, my sanity, my peace of mind, and an ulcer the size of a tangerine.

[lucky]

((((4Honor))))

You're a good mom & stepmom.  Unfortunately (what an understatement!) too many people do not want themselves or the ones they "love" to be held accountable for their actions.  They'll never quit blaming you, but perhaps with treatment, your ss himself will eventually thank you.

I thank you.  I wish my dd's smom had behaved in that manner in the same situation.  Instead she cut dd off from her dad's side of the family and gave dd's dad an ultimatum that if he has ANY contact with dd,  (still after 4 years AND treatment) she'll leave him and take his other kids with her.

Your ss needs to have someone who will show him an appropriate way to live his life, even if he chooses not to learn from you.

[dipper]

SS' record should be the least of people's worries.  And the fact that you did that shows that you truly care - he needs help - and now he will get it.  I would rather have my child with a record and on the way to healing than to be out there sick and destroying lives.  I hope ss does overcome his demons.

Its okay to shut the door, grab a pillow, and just cry sometimes.  

I hope you and your family have a peaceful holiday!

[4honor]

Well, I knew she would never allow a reasonable perspective to occur. BM broke up with her SO -- the one that stuck by her and SS through SS' court case and told her to her face she needed to let go of the anger with DH cause it was destroying her spirit and had F'd up SS. She thought he went too far.

I think he was just getting started. There goes another nice guy.

BM chews up nice guys and spits them out. Sadistic witch!

[dipper]

Too bad....obviously the truth her a little too much for her....

Has your dh been able to see ss yet?

[4honor]

DH saw SS while the younger boys and I went to the beach after Christmas for 3 days. He is seeing him all day this Saturday while BM is working and a full weekend at his parents is scheduled for Jan 20-22.

BM is back to demanding that DH "get her OK" before making plans (on his court ordered weekends). No court order has changed the previous order and she is gonna be one sorry puppy when DH makes the plans with SS's Probabtion officer and leaves BM out of the loop -- Judge says he doesn't even have to talk to BM about visitation if he doesn't want to. though he would hope DH would let BM know if he WASN't going to be there. Can you see BM cooling her heels for 3 days over one of DH's holiday weekends?...especially if it is a guys gone campoing weekend and DH's parents don't know where they are either? I never answer BM's call.

Hey, we have so little time left to mess with BM's mind.... or to think about messing with BM's mind (only 1035 days til age 18 -- SS will never graduate, he is failing now as a freshman.)

I guess it is PMS because I am feeling ornery and childish right now and if BM were in the path of an avalanche I would add a snowball or two to the downrush.