Respoding in kind?

[dipper]

We have tried to play by the rules and it has not helped at all.  It didnt help with the BM and it didnt help us in court.  The fact that she curses dh like a sailor and he doesnt treat her like this has no effect.  Yet, we live with it over our heads that should either one of us say anything, we will be treated like we have done something horrible.

Well, she has been on a power trip since she won again in court in January.  The next day she started with her theatrics and ongoing lies.  Today, dh got a letter stating why hadnt he taken care of a certain bill......and accusing him of grilling ss........saying that it is none of dh's business what she does, etc.

DH had asked for all bills last year and she gave him one statement from a hospital and nothing else.....and she accuses dh of grilling ss because he caught her in a lie and she is trying to reverse the crap on him.

We are tired of this.  DH is writing a letter back explaining the simple truth to her, which is not something she understands.

I know this will probably bite us in the rear as dh is planning on appealing the latest order once it is filed, but why keep playing by the ruiles when we are the only ones held to them?

I am so disgusted with these dang games!!

[MixedBag]

Always respond with the thought in mind that a third party -- the judge -- will be reading your letter at some point in the future.

Many divorced parents feel like only one side is held accountable to the rules of the divorce, you're not the only one.

[Sunshine1]

I have responded "in kind" several times and it has gotten me absoltuely no where.  Just yelled at by my attorney for adding more gas to the flame.  I was given strict orders to NOT respond to anything that was not directly related to the children's well being, so in otherwords do not speak to her unless it is something concerning visitation or death.

Let her keep writing these letters, I can't believe her lawyer is advising her TO write these letters to you. You should always respond in kind like the judge is standing right beside you in a public place and in a letter as if you CC'd him/her in on the conversation.

I have actually taken this new approach of not speaking to her after her little rants, or only addressing certain areas of her letters and by golly if she don't write MORE to us about things that are totally unrelated to anything we are speaking about.

In the end her crazy letters will be seen by the judge, it will demonstrate how vindictive she is and eventually will only work against her.  You will be wearing the white hat the whole time and they will award you custody because you have kept your hands clean.  

Believe me it seems like nothing ever happens to them.  They get away with walking all over your family and you are at your wits end.  I can completely empathize  with your situation.  Let her go off the deep end writing all this nonsense.  Remember it wasn't the rabbit that won the race, it was the turtle. Keep plucking along you will make it!!!  Don't respond to her crap.

:)

[Ref]

furiously writing a letter to her using every and I mean EVERY curse word you can think of or create. Call her the most disgusting and disturbing names you can muster. Tell her how horrible a person she is. Make fun of physical imperfection. Go as low as possible.

I personally like to write these letters in red pen by hand, but computer will do too.

After you get it all out, read the funniest insults to your spouse for a good laugh and rip it to peices.  

I admit, out of guilt I do plant at least 1 new tree every year to make up for the paper that I waste, but it feels sooo goood!

BM is probably trying to provoke you. Don't let her have the satisfaction.


Godd Luck
Ref

[dipper]

Thank you all for your comments, I did take them to heart.  Problem is, we had crap like this last time and dh's lawyer didnt show the judge not letter one....and we had behaved in our letters.  

The stuff in the letter this time - she asking "why havent you taken care of this bill?"  This is about a bill from ss' hospitalization and ss has received a letter from a credit adjustment.  Well, she NEVER sent us the bill.  We asked last summer for the bill, but since dh hired a lawyer to sue those responsible for ss' burns...and she is on their side since dh is the one that has to pay med. bills......she would never give us any bills.  So, its really hard to answer this politely when its her fault.

And...she got caught lying to dh by an innocent remark of ss'.  DH mentioned this in a letter to her.  So, instead of letting it go as she was caught...she went on the defensive and is accusing him of grilling...and she even states in her letter that She will start grilling ss if dh doesnt stop.

DH talks to ss alot....ALOT!...they have always been close....if ss talks about his day and its that mom has taken him to a Hooters at age 14....we dont mention it other than noting it for court.

There have been arguments - such as in the hallway at the courthouse in November when she came out and falsely verbally attacked dh about 'questioning' ss about what she had just talked to him about...a group of us were there and it was  a lie!  Then her mother got involved....and at Christmas her lies and accusations caused her brothers to jump oss about all of this...

And...she once again made a school meeting and attended and sent dh the papers afterward.  He had JUST told her that he is to be involved in all meetings and decisions....then she does this just for spite.  DH has joint legal, but she refuses him any input other than she has a hand out for money....

I think this stuff needs to be addressed as she is obviously trying to make it seem like we are brainwashing ss to make him want to live with us...because he does want to........

Maybe the best way would be to offer mediation to aleviate her concerns that are imposing hardship on the children?

Oh.....dh and I worked on two letters together..and he wanted to really blast her.    I have worked on several since trying to tone it down....

I am taking it all to heart, but it makes me so mad.....the good thing is ss is 14...she doesnt have long to pull this crap....

[dipper]

DH and I went over and over the letter....making sure it did not contain anything that seemed accusing or hateful.  Outlined her contempt and her unwillingness to give dh prior knowledge of meetings.  

Noted that it was an attempt to avoid involving a third party...copied to GAL, her attorney, and dh's.  

And she wrote a nasty letter back...no noting of copying to anyone.