Disappointed....just got worse

[dipper]

I am disappointed in custody reversal.  I really thought things would change, but instead all that has happened is we learned we were being screwed wayyyyyy worse than we ever knew before.  

she is demanding third weekends in addition to her summer weeks, and everyone else seems to interpret the order the same way.  DH never got that....he only got the summer weeks.  

Okay...so it is a pride issue to.  I always have considered myself pretty smart - but this woman always wins.  She got dh out of more than 2 weeks visitation in the past two years.

And now that she is NCP, he will be in trouble if he refuses one day.....and she is demanding to call all shots....  She is dating a married man, has taken over the mother role with his child, and acts as if he is ss' stepbrother already.....

And with her still cursing, controlling, and dragging him into the adultery, ss isnt going to improve while here.  She is still a huge part of his life and we still dont have a chance.  

We wanted peace for awhile, but it only got ten times worse.

And now....we filed for court again to clear up some of this mess.....she was threatening to file for two reasons.....and I am sure she will counter when she gets our papers.....

[Genie]

just be fixed and a nice big family.  Doesn't happen.  Sorry to say and sound harsh but did you really think she would go away? Did your DH "go away" when she wanted him to?  So why would she?

Did you think she would stand back and let DH and you say what happens and doesn't?  She has been CP for many years and she isn't going to just step aside and let someone else raise "her" child.

So go back to court. Get the issues clarified in SPECIFIC WORDING that leaves nothing to the interpretation so when she tries to say you are wrong, you can prove by transcript ect that you are not.  

You could bring up the issue of her involved with a married man and SS being there in that environment. You could ask for a morals clause. You could bring up that this the moral issues was one thing that caused you to get custody.  Try it.  It may work and make sure he doesn't spend nights with this man spending nights as well.

And on your homefront, you teach SS that adultry etc etc is wrong.  But do it without pointing your finger at BM or you will just raise more issues with him and BM.  Teach him all he needs to know about right and wrong.  But remember, you can't dictate most of what goes on with SS in her home just as she couldn't dictate or you didn't want her to dictate what you did with SS when she was CP.

It's not going to be an easy road and many have found this out after getting custody.  You think the sks will move in with you and you will change them and mold them into better people.  That won't happen over night and sometimes not at all.  It is very hard to change the habits and thinking of children when that has been how they have been raised till now.

Good luck.  Maybe counseling would be good for SS with some of the issues.

[dipper]

Genie, ss is in counseling. That is court ordered.  For four months she had him in counseling and would not give dh any info.  DH notified her on phone, and in writing within one week of ss going...gave all info.  She made a big deal about it...and then when he sent her an appt time that takes place while ss is with her - with the request that if she cannot take him just let dh know so that he can reschedule, she fusses because there is an appt during her time.  So, dh said he will reschedule then....And I know she will fuss saying he is keeping her out of appts....You cant win.

 We knew she would not behave better...but, she has came out with some unexpecteds...like demanding the court order gives her more rights, though it is the exact same court order with only roles reversed.  See, she admits that dh never had those visitations because she didnt allow it -but says it doesnt matter, she gets them.

She is also still attempting to control every issue.  Threatens dh all the time.  

DH has filed for a show cause on the cursing him in front of ss.  And actually, the moral clause is already in their order....it looks as if now the married bf has told her that his wife is coming out of jail and he is goign to try to work things out with her.  The issues we debate about in her home are things forbidden in the court order.

We thought the stress would lessen because she no longer can control every aspect.  The court order has been ignored while she had him....Her control issues have just gotten more intensified.

[Genie]

by DH's role in SS's life.  The role she tried to keep him from.  And old habits do not die easily.  She feels the need to stay in control at any cost right now.  Will it get better with time.  Hopefully but I wouldn't count on it.

I can see this becoming a huge stresser in your marriage.  It is only at the most 3 more years till he is 18 yrs but it will be the longest 3 years of your life if this keeps up.  Don't let it ruin your marriage.  Start counseling the minute you see any problems between the 2 of you.

It is funny and I can't help but laugh as I read your posts b/c she has totally flipped from the CP denying role to the NCP victim role immediately.  As you stated, she did all these things when she was CP but doesn't care and doesn't want them done to her.  In your post above, she thinks you guys are denying her by SS asking her for more time with you and says you are using him as a messanger.  This is something CP's get accused of all the time.  Many times it is correct but it is strange to see how the NCP can think this when it isn't actually true and there is no changing the NCP's mind even if it is validly the child's request.

I agree with others who say do not deviate from the court order at all.  And I would try to do as much communication as you can in writing by either certified letters or through email.

And it may not be good that court date will be for her swearing at DH and now she will say he has done that to her and sight your conversation.  Your DH has to keep himself calm and in check at all costs or she will have alot to use against him and blow it totally out of proportion to make her point.

Good luck.  Get your DH a punching bag to beat up for times of conversations with her.  She's not going away that's for sure.

[dipper]

Yeah, genie, I am wondering if dh should withdraw the show cause now.  I mean, he did not curse her and certainly not in front of ss. The order says not in front of the child.  But, the judge really didnt care the last time this was brought up - her cursing dh in front of ss......her lawyer asked dh if he had EVER cursed her.  Dh answered maybe years ago....and he said that was the pot calling the kettle black.  the judge thought that was very funny.....even though the court order says no derogatory names in front of child, judge did nothing.  

But, she has admitted twice in court of doing this..and this would be a third time with witnesses....so, we were hoping the judge would finally do something.  

She and I exchanged words yesterday when she was telling dh that their sons is none of my business - telling dh to tell me that, so he said, tell her yourself.  She was still fussing when I got on the phone.  She does not talk to me - I am a nonperson in her eyes.  She told me that its none of my business.  I told her - dh was not trying to take her time, she would get her weeks..and this was ss decision, not dh's.  I also told her that her actions are what have made her children choose to live with us...She hung up.  then called dh back to tell him that I am not to talk to her like that.

But, as I am a witness..and I know she will lie about what I said, that may hurt.  And as dh did curse the situation, she will lie about what was actually said.  The only difference is she has nothing to back up her story, where as we have us and the two teens that heard her....

Yes, she is definitely feeling like she is spinning out of power.

by the way, I fully agree that decisions are to be made by her and dh. But, as I take care of her sons...and certain things effect us as a family, dh and I are married, and the children live here....I think I do have a say-so.  Just not final authority......

[skye]

hey dipper ...are ya'll communicating by phone? you know its always word against word that wayand we had so many problems with that I found something that helped a lot..

//www.coparentcalendar.com

make sure anything you add you make a copy of and keep it in a file that way you have proof of everything...you invite mom by her email...and she chooses her user name and password...

[skye]

Its free ...

[dipper]

That is the problem exactly Skye...she plays games when she knows there is no proof.  just like with the counseling appt recently.....She complained so dh told her he would cancel it during her time.  So, then I call to reschedule and I am told she called and cancelled already.

Days later, she calls and reschedules it for the original date, different time....and acts like she doesnt know why it would have been cancelled.

Today, we found out that the counselor she had been taking ss to for months, she never paid anything to.  They have sent dh the entire bill, and he wasnt the one who authorized payment.  DH is only court ordered to pay 50% of counseling.

But, I will show dh that calendar....that may save a lot of headache.....

Thank you!