getting married- opinions, please

[KathyNY]

I've been posting about my current situation under the "Father's Issues" topic, but I have a different situation I'd like some advice on, and it doesn't fall under that category, although it is slightly related.

Quick background for those who haven't read the above referenced postings...
My fiance's ex wife (divorce JUST finalized last week) is trying to move the kids out of state, we go to trial in two weeks.  She got married this past weekend (was only engaged for 6 weeks, got engaged AFTER her boyfriend accepted a transfer that is the reason they're moving).

Here's a part no one knows yet- including anyone in my FH's family and his ex's family (except her mom)...
FH and ex really got married 1 yr. earlier than when they had their ceremony & reception that everyone attended.  Ex had a daughter from previous relationship (2 yo at the time) whose Medicaid was denied and since they'd gotten engaged the month prior, my FH suggested they go ahead and get married right away to put the kid on his insurance plan (he has the BEST & cheapest insurance in town).  So they did, but kept it secret.  I didn't even find out until I noticed it on their separation papers and confronted FH about it- BIG blow out at the time...

Anyway, while I respect him for doing that for the kid, I hated the fact that they kept it secret, but on the other hand it was the ex's mom's choice as she paid for their wedding.  

Now, FH and I are paying for our entire wedding ourselves, no help from anyone.  We've bought my dress, paid for his tux rental (to get a promo of BOGO free cruise tix), and bought the favors.  One bridesmaid has paid for her dress.  All the other plans have been made but nothing else has been paid for yet.  

So here's the deal...now that the ex is remarried, FH is taking her off of his insurance policy (he would've kept her on, per an agreement they'd made before, as it only costs him an extra $1/wk for family coverage).  He pays $84/month for FULL family cov (health, dental & vision) and I'm paying $136/month just for single health & dental.  When we get married we'll save not only the $136 month (cuz it won't be a change in premium to take the ex off and put me on) but we'll save in prescriptions- I'm on a couple of monthly maintenance drugs and FH's plan has cheaper co-pays than my plan.  

If we go to city hall and get married as a technicality only, would it be wrong not to tell anyone?  And would it be wrong to still have our wedding & reception next year?  

The ex rushed getting married this time, hoping it will help with the relocation case.  I don't want anyone thinking we're doing the same thing (in terms of rushing) just because she did, and if we get married now it won't affect our case.  I hate that if we do this it will be the same as what she did (in terms of getting married one year early).  As a woman I want it to be "my own."  And it was hard enough to deal with when we realized she got the same engagement ring I did- I don't want to turn around and use the same sequence of events for my vows...do I?

I asked a few people their opinion- one guy in the office (who was asking this morning how things are going w/ the case) said he can definitely see our point cuz our insurance rates are crazy.  My twin sister is completely against the idea- she said not only am I the youngest in our family and the last to get married, but (and she says she doesn't mean to sound selfish here) but she doesn't think it's fair that she should have to pay for her dress (matron of honor), her daughter's dress (flower girl), and her husband's tux (groomsman) if we're already going to be married!  She says since we already have our wedding attire, why don't we just wear that now to get married if we want and we can all go to dinner, because they want to be there the first time I say my vows- then we can have the "party" for our anniversary or something like that.  (This is what I did for them- they had a quick JP wedding cuz she got pregnant quicker than planned, so I threw them a surprise reception on their 1st anniversary).  

What do you think?  I welcome any outside comments, suggestions, opinions, from objective points of view.  
THANK YOU!

[wendl]

Why wouldn't you want to tell anyone??? This is suppose to be an important day in your life.

Their is nothing wrong with going to the JP if that is what you really want to do.  And you can always thru a reception later on.  But I wouldn't want to keep it a secret, what purpose would that really serve.

JMO

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[KathyNY]

It's just one of our considerations that if we get married now (and it will be by a JP no matter when and where we do it) just by the two of us going downtown and signing the paperwork- no fuss, no muss, no family, that some people won't want to come to a reception a year later.

And, because we would do it like I just described, and not have our entire families present so it isn't a big deal, we'd have to keep it quiet so as not to hurt feelings of anyone we keep out- so we might as well just tell no one.  We'd really only be doing it early for the legal purposes.

But we have no idea what we want to do- me especially.

[KathyNY]

...my best friend, and bridesmaid, asked me if we "elope" now and have our "wedding & reception" next year for family & friends, what date would we consider our anniversary?

So FH and I discussed this this morning, and since we would need to go downtown to elope on a week day, and our "planned" day for next year is Sept 1st, that day falls on a Friday this year.  Now, we need 3 days in advance to get the marriage license so that means we'd have to go get it on Aug 28th- THAT'S LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY!  Yikes!  :)

The trial starts the 29th so if I leave work early on the 28th I can say it's for a meeting with the lawyer, and even if we end up having court on Sept 1st, our lawyer says Family Court trials never run more than a couple of hours each day, so we'll be downtown anyway that day- and can go to the other building (unless it's in the same building, I have no idea!) and get hitched!  

We may ask his aunt & uncle (the uncle is the best man next year) to be our witnesses, or we might just keep it completely secret and have only city officials sign for us.  

But this way we get it done, save the $, I get the better insurance plan, and we keep the same anniversary date.

[Sunshine1]

I really can't believe what I am reading here.  You have let this woman ruin your entire life and it hasn't even started yet.  She has consumed you to the brim.  Believe me I am fully aware of the warning signs of BM Consumption Syndrome.  You have got to stop including her in any plans that you have.  You are outraged she got married and has the kids with her.  There is no way you are going to change that she is their mother.  She is, you can wish all you like that she dies, impales herself, finds a stray bullet or whatever, but she will always be their mother.

It sucks you are doing all the raising of these children and no matter how shitty of a mother she is to them, they will always in fact be her children.

Now as for this wedding.  You are seriously willing to sacrifice your beautiful, memorable day, for cheaper insurance?  Are you kidding me?  This doesn't even sound right.  Why?  Is this your first marriage?  What is the purpose of getting it done before court?  I strongly urge you to disengage from the BM, she is making you crazy and you aren't even married yet.  Do you really want a bunch of strangers to be your witnesses, get married on your lunch break, and then head back to work?

Not exactly how you had it planned as a little girl is it.  I say you stop  Stop STOP!  Plan your wedding, without any little mention of BM.  Its you, and FH, and the little ones, not you, FH, the little ones and what BM will do next.  Your families are coming together to share in your big day, being married for a court appearance is for all the wrong reasons.

[KathyNY]

This decision has absolutely nothing to do with BM (except for not wanting anyone to think I'm doing the same thing she did).  

It's not just "cheaper insurance."  Health insurance is a big deal for us, and we could really use the extra money right now- not only for planning the wedding, but for the kids, and some other stuff.  

There isn't a "purpose for getting it done before court."  Since we would want to keep it secret, to not hurt anyone's feelings for not being included, and I've been taking so much time off of work for court & now soon the trial, it just so happens that it will fit into our schedule next week w/ having to get the marriage license 3 days before hand.  We were only speculating that, since the trial starts on the 29th, we may have court on the 1st (our lawyer said they don't necessarily have the trial every day or all day) so it's not like we can't plan on eloping on the 1st, because we'd be downtown anyway, was the point.  

BM doesn't factor into my wedding plans at all.  Besides her having the same engagement ring as me (complete coincidence), I decided immediately after finding out she was engaged that I wouldn't be bothered by her getting married because I had my whole wedding planned before she even got engaged, so if anything else ended up even remotely similar, it too would only be a coincidence.  But now that BM went and got married so quickly, she won't have a wedding anything like mine anyway.

I don't think I'd be sacrificing my special day cuz we're just getting married by the JP either way, and we'll still have the ceremony & reception in front of family & friends.

If FH and I decide to elope, it will strictly be for legal reasons, a decision made based on the two of us, only.  No other factors.  Thank you for your opinion.

[4honor]

If you two are ready to take the headlong plunge RIGHT NOW, then do it, but you will be dealing with the timing of your wedding for many years to come.

I have a friend that did the wedding a year before they told anyone about it. They were both military. They had not known one another very long and to avoid a nasty scene with his ExGF over his son... and to avoid the possible problems with discrimination he feared from his family, since he was from a distinguished African American Kentucky family and she was a self proclaimed white trailer trash YANKEE. (She got her father's OK to marry her fiance by drinking her Father under the table.)

BUT in this instance, your Fiance and his family have met you and apparently approve of you and the same with he and your family.

Do what you want to do, but don't be surprised if BM finds out and makes it a problem for the kiddos. If the kids were present, they would tell... kids can't help themselves. And Vindictive CP's (and sometimes NCP's) have no misgivings about USING the kids to hurt the other parent. Look at the consequences that your timing has on the rest of your lives and the lives of those children. If there is no foreseeable harm that will come to the children or to you or your fiance from this sped up time table, then go for it. But if there is a risk of damage to his case, or to the kids from BM's reprisals, then hold off for now.

[KathyNY]

We've pretty much decided not to do it now, to wait.  We haven't come right out and said it, we just stopped talking about it.  Since we would have to go get the marriage license and do everything next week, and the subject hasn't been brought up in days, I'm assuming we're on the same page, and next year is soon enough for the both of us.  

I think he realized how much the idea really scared the crap out of me.  It's not that I'm unsure of wanting to marry him, or that I'm "not ready" but it's one thing to know you have over a year, and another to think you have less than two weeks!  He's been married before and I haven't, so this is a big deal for me, and I agree with all of you that said I will want to make this as memorable and special as possible.  

It was his idea, originally, but I could see the advantages of eloping, so I considered it.  Thank you all for setting me straight!