Can I beat my husband in the head?

[Ref]

It gets so aggrivating! DH has not called SD since labor day weekend. BM is attempting to PAS SD and there is a court date set up in October that will undoubtably provide fodder for BM.

SD got horrible grades last quarter, so I sent emails OBO my husband to all her teachers asking for progress reports this past period. Only a few responded. No follow-up was done. No thatnk you to the teachers who provided the info and no second requests from those who didn't respond.

I know he is busy, but so am I. I know it is harder for him emotionally, but damn it, it is HIS KID! BM doesn't bother helping with SD school. DH can't do much because of distance, but he can keep aprized of what is going on with her grades.

Then, when I suggest that he does something, like call her teacher or send an email, he gets upset with me because he is too busy. GGRRRRR. He thanks me when I do his secretarial work, but if I suggest he takes steps on his own, he gets all worked up.

I love him, but WTH?

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[mistoffolees]

People take the time to do what is important to them. He's told you what his priorities are. You may not like them (nor do I), but you can't force him to love and be involved with his daughter.

As hard as it may seem, you can't control him. You can only control your own actions. Therefore, you have to make a choice - do you continue to try to act on his behalf for the benefit of your SD or do you step back and leave it to him (in which case it won't happen).

To complicate matters, you have essentially no rights to do anything yourself (which can be annoying as a stepparent, but that's life). If his ex finds out that you're doing it and your husband doesn't back you up by saying you did it for him, she could probably make your life pretty uncomfortable.

I've been in a similar situation, although my wife wasn't as detached as yours, she was still recovering from the end of her first marriage, so I had to pick up a lot of the pieces that she couldn't follow through on. I don't regret the time I spent. You MAY, however, regret time spent trying to change your husband because he's not likely to change.

[dipper]

I agree with this response.  This situation can lead to resentment even.   My dh is not computer savvy.  He is about 14 years older than I am...and is old fashioned to a point.  In two years, it has been up to me to find out laws and legal maneuvers, etc.....  I type everything.  DH tends to lean on me alot.  I realize though that I have the ability and my job simply allows me more leeway for taking care of things.  

DH can not go three days without talking to his son.  So, I dont have that problem...he is definitely a hands-on father.  It's just the technical stuff that is out of his realm.  

Still at times I felt like I was doing too much and he wasnt doing enough.  I became angry at him.  

In your situation, I totally agree with the responder that you cannot change your dh.  Whatever his reasoning is, he is the only person that can change his ways.  

I know it hurts and is frustrating, but you need to do only what you feel comfortable with and from that point, remind yourself that it's his kid and if he wont do it, there is nothing you can do....let go as much as possible...  

[Ref]

Dh and SD live 1500 miles apart. For the first 5 years after BM moved away he had to cope with BM refusing communication by answering the phone and hanging up when she knew it was him and then taking the phone off the hook. The called-id just made sure the calls were screened without haveing to pick up the phone. She taught SD that she didn't have to talk to him and could simply screen the calls.

For about 3 years they talked almost every day. BM would leave her home alone every day and SD would call us to talk for anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours.

Now that SD is a teen and one that WE busted smoking pot and drinking on mom's watch, she is very bratty towards DH. Half of the calls are "why are you sueing my mom". "Mom had to pay all her savings on a lawyer instead of getting us out of (section 8 housing)." All lies. It is really emotionally difficult for him to deal with all of this.  Unfotunately this is the most important time for him to talk with her regularly.

I guess I am getting tired now. It has been 12 years and sometimes I miss her horribly and I want to talk to her. BM flat out told me I was not to call or write to SD, so I have to have DH call and then have him pass the phone.

Last night I had a dream the SD died. It is just making it worse. I miss her and I really wonder how she is doing. I had a webpage that she used to visit that was basically a letter to her. She hasn't gone on it since her mom "fixed" her computer. She also hasn't been on IM.

Thanks for all of your advice.

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