Have a different kind of problem now............(long)

[Kitty C.]

It's been a long time since I've been on this forum with the issues related to our family, but one has arisen now that I have no idea how to handle.

Up until a year ago, BM thought I was the proverbial wicked SM and barely gave DH his court-ordered visitation.  The only way he got more is if it were for her benefit only.  Then she got divorced last Nov.  Since then, those issues have literally made an about face.  Her and I have talked at length about ADHD issues with SS and we've had more time with SS than the previous 3 years put together, it seems.  

She works at a factory where they work 12 hours shifts, so her days are S-Tues and every other Wed. 6 am-6 pm.  So we came to a verbal agreement that she would have SS come over on Sat. nights, then she'd pick him up Sun evening (this is EVERY weekend), then drop him off to me Mon. mornings at 5:45, and I take him to my mom's (right across the street from the middle school) on my way to work.  With this arrangement, SS and DH have spent more time together than they ever had.  

In the meantime, my DS has been thru hell and back.  He got in trouble a year ago (it had been building to this point since his dad passed away 4 years ago), I sent him to 'Brat Camp' over last winter, and he ended up in juvenile detention at the end of April. He got an eval. in May and  was eventually ordered into residential treatment which he started on 10/3.

But SS's behavior has steadily declined as well.  He's been reprimanded in school quite a few times already this year, once for getting on a teacher's computer and a 'totally inappropriate' website.  Then on Columbus Day, he had to spend the day home alone and BM came home to find him playing with matches and candles on the stove.  Come to find out, he'd been doing this since this summer.  Then just this week, he got so mad at another student at school, he threw down a water bottle so hard, it split open and splashed on other kids and supposedly swore at the kid he was pissed off at.

The problem arises with DH.  Every time I bring up the subject, he says 2 things only:  One, he says he'll talk to SS about it, tho nothing that he ever says has made a difference so far.  Two, he brings up DS and all the problems DS has caused that he feels I didn't pay attention to and didn't listen to DH's advice.  I feel that DH might be throwing the issues of DS back in my face by not getting involved with SS.  I've reminded him that, tho I may have been in denial on some of DS's issues, that's no reason to let SS suffer the same fate.

We have an opportunity to let SS see what can happen if he screws up too much.  The RTC where DS is at has told me that they will allow a child to stay for the day, kind of a tough love/scared straight kind of deal, to experience what it would be like if he had to go there.  I've brought it up to both DH and BM and explained that they would have to jointly agree for him to spend the day there, and I have offered to take SS there myself (it's an almost 2 hour drive to get there) and then spend some time with DS myself.

Hindsight is certainly 20/20 and it's much easier to see things when you're on the outside looking in.  I know I've made mistakes with DS, but I just can't sit back and watch SS make the same.  He's told BM that the reason he set the fires is because he's mad that he doesn't have any friends.  BM, misguided as she is, told me she told SS friends right now aren't important, that he has plenty of time later on in life to make friends.  I just haven't had the chance to talk to her and tell her that now IS the time he should be making friends as this is the time he is learning the important social skills he needs later in life.  

So SS is obviously angry and I have a few ideas why (BM, her new BF, the lack of attention from BM years ago when he really needed it, not seeing his dad very much for so many years, never learning how to make friends and now forcing himself on others who don't want anything to do with him...the list could be long).  It's just convincing DH that we need to do something now, before SS ends up in the same boat as DS.  Anyone been thru anything similar?

[lucky]

Been through enough of it, I'd say.

I think the day at the program is a wonderful idea, whether it'll help or not, who knows, but it certainly can't hurt!

It was hard reading your post, Kitty.  So much of it hits home.  My dh also throws one of the other kids up whenever he doesn't like the direction a conversation about a kid is going (usually about ds who isn't treated nearly as loosely as oss was).

I have little advice, but can empathize.  We brought ds home from his second residential treatment program 2 weeks ago - he's now in a day treatment program but things are difficult still.  We brought him home because he wasn't showing any progress.  Fortunately for us, we placed him there so we could take him out and didn't have to worry about any "well-meaning" social worker or probation officer interfering.  Guess you can tell what I think of most of those people, huh?

Good luck.  He definitely needs some serious counseling for his self-esteem.  Also, see if he can get into some kind of social skills class at school -- all of our schools here have them now.  It might help, it might make him feel more alone.  It's hard to say, we had kids who did well with the social skills help and then the same kid turned around and did poorly when they had a different moderator.  But you won't know unless you try.

Tell your dh that we had three in treatment and correctional programs and a fourth one who probably should have been.  The issues those kids face(d) with childhoods like ours have experienced can EASILY screw those kids up and they won't get help when they grow up if they still have the issues, I'm experiencing that as well with dd and osd.  We started voluntarily with ds MUCH younger in the hopes that we can turn him around before it's too late.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Sherry1]

nm

[Kitty C.]

Sorry about that!  DS will be 18 in April and SS will be 13 in Feb.

[Kitty C.]

Thanks for the support, Lucky.  It really means a lot.  Most parents, thankfully, never have to experience what we've been thru and going thru.

I certainly have some issues with some of the 'professionals' who have been involved with DS's care, especially in JDC.  They have a GP MD on staff (who lives and practices locally to the JDC) who makes arbitrary prescription changes on kids without even conferring with the original prescribing MD or knowing ANYTHING in the child's medical and psychological history!  This guy even had the unmittigated gall to tell me that DS's being there was basically my fault!  To top it off, this guy has had NO training, NO tools, and NO education to make any diagnosis of ADD/ADHD or any other psychiatric or psychological diagnosis.  He just yanks kids off their meds if they 'appear lethargic'.  And DS told me he was bored!  I ain't finished with him yet, even tho DS is outta there.  I won't finish with him until he's fired from that job!

But DS's JPO is a piece of work and I have a tremendous amount of respect for her...she's an ex-cop and I would never intentionally want to piss her off, tough as nails and won't take any crap or bad mouthing from any kid.  Back in Aug. at the last hearing, I told her straight to her face that if I had known how difficult it would be to get help for DS, I would have told him to go break the law 4 years ago, since that's when all these behaviors and attitudes started cropping up.  Right after DS's dad died.  You know what?  She didn't bat an eye, because she knew I was right.

We're not rich...but we're not struggling as hard as we used to be, thank God.  But that doesn't mean we have all the money it would take to get DS into the right program to help him.  As it is, I will be paying off an educational loan to the tune of $25,000 for the next 20 years for sending him to SageWalk ('Brat Camp').  So we had to wait until something like this happened for the state to finally say 'Hey, this kid needs some help!'  I just pray that the help has come in time, that he can get thru the program he's in by April (when he turns 18), because I've been told they just show the kids the door on their 18th birthday, whether they're ready to go or not.

As for SS, I may have to put my foot down a little harder.  Right in front of DH this weekend, I told SS that I had lost all trust in him, so from now on, he would be treated the same as DS when he was home:  Our bedroom door would be locked at all times, no access to the computer, no video games, the lock would be put on the satellite and he also could NOT watch TV unless he was with DH or I.  I also told DH that I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone, even for a few minutes.

I have noticed that he likes to change the subject to get the focus off of him.  A social skills class at school would be wonderful, but it's also non-existant in our school district.  Way too small and not enough interest in it.  I'm considering writing a letter to SS's counselor, whom BM has been taking SS to ever since he was diagnosed with ADHD.  I asked SS this weekend if he's ever talked to his counselor about these issues and the trouble he's been getting into and he said no.  But that doesn't surprise me.

I know the issues with SS run deep and probably go all the way back to when he was 2 and DH and BM separated.  I also think it's time DH and I make an appt. to see SS's counselor ourselves.  Maybe then DH will understand the depth of the problems!

[Sherry1]

as soon as possible.  My YSS will be 15 in December and has committed two juvenile felonies, both while living with his mother.  His first felony was committed when he was 12 years old.  Him and his friend keyed about 7 cars.  BM and his friends parents were court ordered to pay back $7,000 in restitution.  YSS committed his second felony last December, he was caught with drugs.  My YSS stole, lied, and just did a lot of bad stuff.  He lived with us for 2 1/2 years from age 7-9 1/2.  He returned to his mothers at that time.  Fast forward to today he is now living with his dad and me.  The custody change is a long story which really isn't revelant to him being the bad boy, he has been with us since August.

Knowing my YSS past I know that it is impossible to force them to change their ways.  They have to want to change.  My YSS is now a really good kid.  He is passing all his classes (after flunking 75% of them last year).  Something inside of him completely changed and he stopped being the bad boy.  His mother takes credit for this which YSS just scoffs at this notion.  YSS has told us he just got tired of always being in trouble.  He spent a few weeks in Juvie and after the last stint in there he made it very clear that he was cleaning up his act because he never wanted to go back and he surely didn't want to go to jail.  He knows if he commits another felony, it will be his "third" strike.

Since you already have a child that has been in serious trouble you already know that it is up to the person to make the change, no one can make it for them.

I think your DH is making a huge mistake by not addressing the issues directly with his son and continually pointing out the problems with your son is not a solution.  Any possibility that you can get family counseling?  It sounds like everyone involved could use an outside person looking in.  

[Kitty C.]

SS is in counseling and I do think that DH and I should see her as well.  Tho I have no idea how BM would react to it.  She's done a complete about-face on us as far as her attitude is concerned since her divorce a year ago, but I'm hoping that by telling her we think this would be a good way to help SS, she hopefully will go along with it.

I think what I will at least do is contact the therapist and ask her if she felt it would be important for her to see us.  As far as I know, she has no clue about all that has gone on tha last few months.  It's kind of like SS telling me in front of BM that he 'forgot' to tell her about the incident in school last week.  I think he's 'forgotten' to tell his therapist these incidences as well.

DH will be home Friday night and we also have SS all weekend, not just Sat. night and all day Sun.  I do believe there will a discussion about this!

[Sherry1]

sessions for both couples counseling and then to deal with YSS.  Especially in light of the fact that your DH isn't addressing his child's issues head on.  When my YSS lived with us before, DH and I were both in counseling with him for couple's counseling as well as all of YSS problems and how they were affecting me.  YSS is going back into counseling now that he is back with us (same counselor), and once again all 3 of us will be going at different times.

Is your DH open to going to counseling?

[Kitty C.]

DH may or may not be able to be there, it depends on whether he has to work over the weekend and they're working out of state right now.  He was late getting home tonight, so I picked up SS and asked BM about it.  DH had called her and told her as well.  I asked her if it would be okay if I were there and DH was not and she said that was perfectly fine with her.

This in itself is scary...her being so eager for us (and especially ME) to be there.  I will even be attending our first school conf. together later this month!  Just a little over a year ago, we not only had to have different times, but different days as well, LOL!

So I guess I will have to wait to see what happens on Friday.  I do plan on telling the therapist about the offer of SS spending the day at the RTC where DS is right now.  But I will feel her out first.  The only problem is that I really don't want to talk to her initially in front of BM.  Because I know that some of the things I would tell her, BM would instantly assume I'm badmouthing her as a bad mother and that is NOT my intention.  We've all made our parenting mistakes, she more than most, tho.  But it doesn't change the fact that I believe things that happened (or better yet DIDN'T happen) when SS was little are having repercussions on SS now.

In the meantime, I'll just wait until Friday...........