Am I wrong???? kinda long.

[lucky]

Here's the scenario:

OSD is 20, lives with her bf - visits mom whenever, visits dad whenever, attends family gatherings as she wishes - like most adult children do.

OSS is 18, lives with mom but is waiting for his friend to turn 18 so they can get their own place, (this is the ss who has been homeless for the last 18 months because mom lived with her bf and told ss that bf didn't want kids living there and ss refused to come here, mom refused to sign custody over) - visits dad whenever, attends family gatherings as he wishes.

YSD is nearly 16, lives with us and visits mom per the court ordered visitation.

8 years ago, we went to court to get specific court ordered visitation because mom's family planned all gatherings on dh's weekends - e/o weekend was an agreed upon thing at that time, not court ordered.  We let the kids go because it's important, but mom refused to trade weekends and, when it was dh's family planning something on mom's weekend, she also refused to let the kids go to it.  The court specified weekends and holidays, etc. and we stuck with the co to the letter and the kids missed a lot on both sides.

We told the kids that it was mom's time, we didn't plan it and we were sorry.  We also told the relatives when our time was and that if they wanted the kids there, they'd plan it then which they tried to do.

Mom told the kids that they didn't get to go and it was our fault because we hated her family.

Fast forward to now.  We've traded weekends over this past summer with mom because her family had weddings that fell on our time.  Ysd said she wanted to go, so we made arrangements for that.  On other occasions, both ours and mom's, we've (dh & I) told ysd that if she wanted to attend, it was her responsibility to ask the appropriate parent for permission, i.e. if we have something going on during mom's time, ysd needs to ask mom and vice versa.  This has worked well and mom never had a problem with it till now.

Dh is turning 40 on Christmas Eve.  He's never had a "special" birthday because it's ALWAYS been celebrated with Christmas, growing up he even got a combo birthday/Christmas present under the tree -- not separate gifts.  I want to have a surprise birthday party for him - on a Saturday.  Fridays won't work because too many people have to travel a long distance, plus I get up at 4:00 am and NEVER am awake past 8:30 on Friday nights.  Sunday won't work because everyone has to work on Monday and I won't get up at 4:00 am on Monday if I'm partying on Sunday (neither will dh).

The first two Saturdays in December I will be out of the country for business reasons -- and I can't get out of it without jeopardizing my job.  As important as this party is, it isn't THAT important.

The third Saturday is open but is mom's weekend.  

The fourth Saturday begins the Christmas celebrations.  For 30 years we've celebrated Christmas and my dad's birthday on the 23rd (his birthday) and it's planned already for this year too.  

The fifth Saturday is the 30th and I have a social work thing planned for that day that was planned months ago.  Plus mom's family always celebrates Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas.

Going into January isn't an option because I have a baby shower to throw for osd & dd on the first Saturday and more travel for work later in the month.

So, for me, Dec 16th is the only open day that I knew I could do and that I thought the stepkids might be able to make.  Obviously the kids will be going to mom's Christmas celebration on the 30th.  So I planned it for the 16th.  Osd and oss are definitely coming.  But all hell broke loose with ysd because ysd wants to come and asked mom for permission (it'll be a total of about 2 hours on Saturday early evening).

Turns out (and I DID NOT know this) that one of mom's nephews is getting married on the 16th.  So mom blew up on osd AND ysd about how I "always deliberately" plan our family stuff on HER time to screw her out of what little bit of time she gets.  Seems she's pissed off because the kids would prefer to go to dh's birthday party instead of the wedding.  When I found out about the wedding I looked AGAIN for a different day/time.  I even considered a Friday evening or Sunday afternoon, but on the FEW dates that are available, I can't get a party room anywhere in town.  Having it at home is not an option for financial, personal and legal reasons.

Mom also ragged on ysd about when I was going to ask permission to have a party on HER time so I called mom and said that I didn't intend to ask because I'd told ysd that I was having it that day and if she couldn't go, I was sorry, but I couldn't do it on any other day and if mom wanted ysd at the wedding, then ysd would go to the wedding.

Mom was NOT placated.  Mom went off on me about how I always plan stuff on her time so that she never gets to see ysd (btw, mom usually works Sat & Sun on all weekends till between 3 & 6 pm, then spends most Sat. evenings at bingo, we make ysd go anyway as mom never asks for different days/times).  I didn't know there was a wedding, honestly though, it probably would not have affected the date of the party because I CAN'T do it any other time.

Now, ysd is caught in the middle and she's ticked at mom because the wedding is IN TOWN, the dinner is at 4:00 and the dance goes till 10:00.  Dh's party is from 6:00 pm till ?? with him showing at 6:30 (most people will probably leave around 8:00 or so I expect with the diehards moving into the bar area by 9:00).  Osd & ysd have asked me why they can't do both.  My answer is that osd can do as she wishes, but it is mom's time so ysd has to ask mom for permission.

Am I in the wrong?  If I hadn't sent out invitations I'd have just cancelled it, although that's not really fair to dh either, but still...



[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Ref]

Keep your plans. You already said you were sorry to BM. There is nothing else you can do. Don't cancel something special for DH because of his ex. If the kids miss it or part of it, it would be a shame but not the end of the world. You can always celebrate his half-birthday in the summer when it is more convienient for the kids and palitable for BM.

Good Luck
Ref

[wendl]

I agree do not cancel the party.  It is so bad that mom cannot let her attend both, if she is their for the ceremony and a short period of time at the reception she could show up a little late for dads party.

But who the heck knows with these crazy people.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[dsm]

The person in the wrong is PB plain and simple.  There is no reason why both SD's couldn't do both functions on this day.  FCOL, this is a couple of hours that we are talking about, not the entire weekend, and does not mean that YSD can't attend the wedding/reception!

I see a small victory in this for you.....at least your YSD has her frustration thrown in the right corner - and NOT at you!  

Methinks your two SD's could work together and find a way for both of them to duck out of the reception dinner and come to theid dad's bday party and then back to the wedding dance......of course without your knowledge of anything!  *evil grin*

Let PB spew and rant and rave.  And just keep letting  your YSD know that there is no problem from you with her attending both functions.


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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 10; BB - 3
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