Thanksgiving vent...kinda

[Ref]

Here goes...

I answered the phone on Thanksgiving when I thought it was SD. It was BM. She asked for DH as usual. He was shaving so I asked that he call her back. She huffed and puffed. I asked if it was an emergency and she said no but she had some things to talk to me about. UHOH...

A little background. I have had 2 conversations in 12 years up until this point with her. The first when I first met her and she was drunk (about 11 years ago)and the second when SD told BM that I spanked her 4 years earlier and BM believed it (SD was 10 when she said I spanked her when she was 6).

She accused me of trying to be SD's mom. She will not allow me any contact with SD when she is at her house. No letters no phone no IM no internet webpage no email. She throws out any letters and has blocked electronic communication. SD is with BM 75% of the time. I insisted SD call me SM of the past 10 years out of respect for BM and the fact that I am WAY too young to have a kid her age.(joke). DH and I only married legally last year but we were together since SD was 5.  SD seemed easier for her to handle and not as offensive to her mom as her calling me mom.

Anyway, BM said I called myself Mom to SD.  I explained that she has always call me SM here and by my first name when she went back down to her home.

She accused me of being around too much when DH had visitation. I have always made it a point, for the benefit of Sd and DH and as a way for me to run away from family life, to give them their space. SD always insists that I come along on trips when I ask if she wants to spend time alone with DH.  I could care less. More time for me to do what I want when they are off on their own.

I do ALWAYS go to Florida when visitation is there. It wasn't always the case, but BM lies about everything, so it is as a witness I go. I would be fine to go off on my own while I was there if the 2 of them want to have time alone. I really could care less. Sd always wants me around.

She accused me of helping DH with the court case that they just went through. I said "I AM his wife". I said "oh the bogus contempt charges you filed?" She said "they weren't bogus". I said "they were and that is why the judge threw them out". She had no other arguement there. She said "I don't make stuff up" I replied "I don't believe you". She said "I don't lie" and I replied "I don't believe you". She said "I don't manipulate" and I again replied "I don't believe you". She had nothing left to say on that.

Then she accused me of getting in the middle with serious conversations Dh has had with SD. She says Sd doesn't like it.  I would be a little shocked if that were at all true. Lately Sd is repeating accusation he mom says to Dh which are infuriating. Sd should know better. Accusations like he spend her CS on our wedding (he has never EVER missed a payment in the 12 years he has been paying). How inflamitory is that? If I wasn't there to step in, Dh might have said all sorts of things about BM lying and he might get carried away and give SD a little more truth than she should hear. DH sent Sd back to Florida a week early this summer so that she had more time with her friends. We booked our honeymoon to be right after. (I wanted to fly out the same day but DH was concerned that there might be a problem with SD's flight and wanted to wait an extra day). Sd accused him of sending her home early not as a favor but because of our honeymoon. At the court hearing BM's attorney made the same accusation... Wonder where both of them got that idea from??? I think with those accusation I act as a buffer and it benefits SD to have me there.

DH was done shaving so I told BM I had to go. I asked if DH could call SD at their apt or if they were not going to be there. She said they wouldn't be there but she wouldn't talk to me about it. I said OK that I would hand her over to DH. I told her that we had to leave though and not to start anything. Wow did that hit a spot. I already had the phone passed to DH but she was screaming and yelling. Yikes! I don't know what she said but I am sure it wasn't nice.

She accused Dh of innundating SD's teachers with emails. DH just sent out emails on progress reports for SD. She is bombing 3 of her classes and he wanted to see if there was anything he could do to help. He has sent the teachers 4 emails this year. One for each progress report and one each thanking them for their response. She accused him of telling Sd's teachers that they should give SD more work. This was a twist in him offering to help SD with any extracredit when she comes up this winter, if it will help her grades. BM said "she is struggling enough!!!" (Always the protector of SD against evil DH....sigh). SD only handed in 65% of her homework and flunked 2 quizes in her worst class. Even if she got 100% on the homework, she would flunk and it has nothing to do with struggling.

I tell you, that woman is nuts. She was screaming and yelling and throwing in zingers. She acted like a child. Neither Dh nor I raised our voices. We were as cordial as possible. She said "you talk just like DH". Good. That means I am rational and reasonable.

The thing about this discussion I had with her was, it was fine. It was actually very theraputic for me. After all these years helplessly listening to her beating up everything DH does, hearing her screaming over the phone when Dh has kept his cool, reading the attacking letters she sends him, it kinda felt good. It was easy to standup for myself because I was honest and I have always put the needs of SD above myself and no matter what accusation she could make, I knew the truth and I knew the truth ment nothing to her anyway.

Thanks for letting me vent and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

PS. SD never called DH. We had to settle leaving a voicemail on SD's phone.

Ref

[gemini3]

Wow.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with that on Thanksgiving!  It must be hard for her to have held on to all of that anger for so long.  You did a good job of staying calm and not letting her get to you.  

We were lucky because the kids were with us for Thanksgiving, and the BM was unusually cooperative.  As I suspected, it was only because she and my fiance had court scheduled for the following Tuesday, so she was sure to be extra nice the week before.  Of course, things didn't go the way she wanted them to, so she slapped him with a nasty e-mail as soon as she got home, and another one a few hours later telling him he could only have 48 hours on his weekends with the kids.  Can anyone say "inflexible"?  How about "uncooperative"?  

The sad thing is that he is going out of town for six weeks for work, and neither one of us will get to see the kids while he's gone because she refuses to let me see or talk to them while he's out of town.  So, she'll have six weeks to fill thier heads full of lies.  Last time it took a good two months to get the kids back to normal.  They were really distant, and the youngest had a lot of temper tantrums while they were with us.  

I guess, even though we have the silly ex's to deal with, we still had plenty to be thankful for.  One thing I'm thankful for is this board - it's been a HUGE help ever since I found it.