trying to do the right thing- a little vent

[Mamacass]

Some of you may know that we got custody a few months ago.  SS has adjusted pretty well, but once in a while (especially after spending time with his mom) he will make little comments that just grate on my nerves.  I hope y'all don't mind but I've got to do a little venting.
Saturday when I was getting ready to pick up my niece for a sleepover, my SS and my son both wanted to come along.  I had to tell them no b/c I don't have enough car seats for the two of them and my niece.  SS informs me that Daddy can't go with me then b/c "it's illegal to leave kids home alone".  Well DH and I jokingly told the boys it would be ok, and that their 3 month old brother would be in charge.  SS then tell us "Go ahead, break the law.  I'll just go live with my mom."
Oh, the self control to bite my tongue.  A part of me wanted so badly to tell him that his mom is the authority on breaking the law, and that's why he doesn't live with her.  That she's lucky that all her jail time has been suspended, and that she hasn't been in more trouble for her crimes (even the custody judge was surprised).  That she's even luckier that more people haven't pressed charges for the crazy things she does (pulling knives on people and making threats to hurt people).  But it's probably better that he doesn't know what a fruitcake his mom is.  It's just so hard to know that she puts us down when we put SS first and do so much for him.  Meanwhile, she can't take care of herself much less him.  
I'm just glad he's here, b/c its a much better place for him.  Hopefully he understands that, even if he doesn't know all the reasons why.  
Oh and while I'm venting- she tells us how she misses him so much, but she forgot to pick him up for her weekly dinner with him this week.  Told SS it's Daddy's fault b/c he didn't remind her.  she also chose to pick him up on Saturday late mornings instead of friday afternoons on the weekends we let her have him.  she said that since she would have to take him to practice for an hour on Fridays it meant that she wasn't really getting quality time, so it didn't make sense to pick him up on Fridays.  (I think it had more to do with she couldn't borrow a car that often.)  Oh well, I shouldn't complain.  At least that way he got to sleep in in his own bed here, instead of her parent's living room couch.  Can you believe she's actually appealing the custody decision?  What a joke!

[dsm]

It is frustrating.  Here you and your DH are trying to do what is best for him, provide him stability, and give him a chance at a normal, loving family and in one fell swoop or discussion with his mom, all that goes out the window. Or so it seems.

I don't know how old your SS is, but know this.  My SD is 17 now.  We received primary custody of her 5 years ago.  It takes TIME to for these kids to see their parents for who and what they really are.  There is a natural ingrained blinder in each and every one of us that does not allow us to easily have the comprehension that either of our natural parents would ever do something to hurt us or that is not in our best interest.

Are you working with a counselor for adjustment issues?  We found alot of support in this area by having that outlet for my SD.   It also benefitted my Dh and I - we had an outlet for the types of frustrations that you describe here - and were able to gain some coping skills.

I think you handled it well with the side comments.  I'll bet he's testing things to see how you will handle it - you have no idea what twisted things his mom has possibly said to him.

Hang in there and just take it day by day.  Hour by hour if you have to!
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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 10; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[Ref]

but NOTHING come close to hurting as much as when the child repeats them. I am sorry you have to deal with this. SD is 15 and poisoned pretty good and repeats aweful things to my Huband.  I understand.

Best Wishes,
Ref

[Mamacass]

That's exactly it.  I've said it before and I'll say it again- a part of me can't wait till he sees his mom for the mess that she is, but a part of me hopes that he never knows what a nut his mom is.  She's one of those people who can do no wrong, and blames everyone else for her mistakes.  And of course my SS, like any child, wants to believe that his mom is perfect.  Its just so frustrating when we actually put our kids first and she just pretends to.  But it is a sad thing for a kid to realize that their parent is a mess.

As far as counseling, we were all going before the custody change (DH, me, SS and BM).  The counselor he was seeing at the time wasn't really worth much though.  And honestly, with all of us in the room, it was more drama than SS needed to witness.  We normally talk to BM as little as possible b/c she takes everything personally, blows everything out of proportion when it comes to HER son (he's ours too), and is very defensive.  It takes very lttle to make her fly off the handle, so we only talk to her to discuss her visitation time and when something realy big comes up.  Anyways, the counselor he was seeing didn't really know the whole situation, and I'm sure she told him things were much different than they were before we started coming along, so I think it probably did more harm than good.

We are currently on a waiting list to see another counselor in the practice (who comes recommended, so I hope will be better than the last one).  Unfortunately, the earliest appointment is in february.  So now we are not sure whether to wait for someone we know is a good therapist, or take our chances on someone else.

So for now, I just bite my tongue when he's around, and once in a while vent on here.  It helps to read the crazy stuff other people deal with and know that we aren't alone.  Also, my family is a wonderful support system for me and I can always call them when I need to vent.