I am so proud of myself - kinda a vent

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I was such good councel to my DH last night.

Background:

BM & SD live in FL and we live in PA. SD is flying up according to Parenting Agreement, 1 hour after school until 6pm the last day before the holiday break. SD gets out of school on a half day on Thursday (today).

When we went to court last time BM attempted to get it in the PA that all flights must be midday. It is stated explicitly in her filing. The judge did not see grounds for that and it was dismissed.

BM also requested that no flights are to be the last flight or the first flight of the day. Seems obvious that the only option she is trying to give DH is midday.

In October BM wrote DH a letter telling him that she is making holiday plans and that SD should be up with us between 12/22 and 12/30. Fair enough. Dh will miss a half day w/ SD but most of it will be sleeping time anyway, so no biggie. DH agrees that that is fine.

DH books flights about 3 weeks ago. He has SD fly through Charlotte if at all possible because she is flying on her own now and went through there alot when she was an unaccompanied minor. The other major choice is Atlanta which, if you fly alot, you know is huge and hard to negotiate for many adults.

He books the flight midday (11am) out of Florida and landing at 3:30 in PA. Ofcourse I called it. BM just started working at the age of 39. She is so proud of working for over a year straight! I knew she would use this as an opportunity to brag about her career, although it really isn't anything to brag about.

DH emailed the itinerary as the judge ordered they communicate through email. A week later BM opened the email and responded the next day. She flipped out about how she now has to work and needs information sooner to accomidate his "requests". She complained that Midday is not convenienet and how she needs for him to consider her job. It was ranting and annoying.

Dh replied immediately stating that he believed based on her filing in court that she wanted midday and that she picked the 22nd. He stated that he was trying to accomodate her requests and because the airport SD flies out of is so small, there are very few options other that midday, if she is requesting it not be the first or last flight of the day.

He stated that he emailed her a week earlier and had not gotten a response and that he tried to give her plenty of notice. He said that sometimes the flights will have to be inconvenient to one or more of them if they can't be the first or last of the day.

Well, when he sent the email, the server must have sent it twice, so BM got two identical emails. We've had this problem before but most sane people recognize it and delete the duplicate. No biggie right?

A few days later BM responds with an email telling him that she just got the email because she doesn't check it often (every week or two). She said she never requested midday (how come it says it on the filing?) and she never requested the 22nd (how come it says it in her Oct letter?). She said that he should have asked her a couple weeks prior to ordering the tickets if the times were ok. She also said that there are plenty of flights out of her airport. (She never flies EVER).

She also sent a reply from the duplicate saying "One is enough!". Ugh

DH was furious. Especially with the stupid one line reply. He wanted to email her back telling her she was being immature and this is not the way to communicate. I calmed him down and told him not to send an email back. He wanted to because she was so obnoxious. I told him that he wasn't going to change her and that by replying he was only guarenteeing that she will keep this useless conversation going. He calmed down and agreed that he would just "hang-up" on her and not respond.

I am so proud because I really wanted to ream her out. SELF CONTROL RULES!

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[dsm]

Good for you!!!!  And for your DH for listening to you!!!  :)

Truly, the arrangements that need to be made in order for kids to go back and forth are not always going to be win-win for all parties.  Someone ultimately is needing to use some vacation time, go without pay, etc.

I would just keep things short, simple and to the point - don't indulge or engage her when she starts spewing.....use it as an opportunity to reflect on how sad her life truly is.  *evil grin*  

Have a good holiday!

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[melissa3]

Awsome job!!!

I completely understand how hard it is to "take the high road" sometimes. Especially when they're yelling at YOU for their immaturity and stupidity!!

I try to remember that Bm gets off on getting ANY kind of reaction from us. Ignoring her completly is the best way to get "even" but, to be honest, I'm still learning to master that technique!  =)

[dipper]

Good job!  I try to question us, "will this change anything?"  

You were right, a reply would just keep it going.  The stuff about midday flights and the actual date - her refusing ever saying those things.....so typical.  Drives me nuts when you have the proof, but she will still deny it if you point that out....

When your dh is feeling especially edgy, tell him to write it and save it as a draft.  then go back and revisit it a day or two later.  He will probably have calmed down and feel better just typing it out....

Best wishes for a great visit this holiday!

[mistoffolees]

Not really a response to your issue, but I think it's well worth while to have a rule where the kids don't fly on the last flight of the day.

I fly 100,000 miles per year and know first hand that airlines are terribly unreliable. We learned the hard way that our unaccompanied minor daughters (ages 16 and 17 at the time) had no rights when their evening flight was canceled. The airline wanted them to just sleep in the airport. It was only after about an hour on the phone with everyone I could get to that one of the flight attendants agreed to let the girls stay in her room for the night (which was a great thing for her to do!!!).

For now, my stbx and I are staying in the same town, but if that ever changes, the thought of turning my daughter over to the airlines scares me. I will certainly not let her go on the last flight of the day - unless it's a nonstop.

[Ref]

that BM acts as though DH has no regard for SD's saftey. He never flew her out on the last flight and wouldn't do that anyway. It was just one more way she was acting as though she was protecting SD from DH. Dh and I both fly on a monthly basis. BM hasn't flown in 15 years.

My sister and I grew up having visitation in other countries where my dad lived. We never had any major problems with the exception of my sister (age 16 at the time) was flying to the Carribean and there was a storn that kept her from continuing to the final destination. The airline got her a hotel room and bought her dinner and she continued the trip in the moring after the storm passed.

Also, the latest flight SD was ever booked on was one that BM booked herself.

It just makes me annoyed that she always implies that we don't know what we are talking about and that she is the only person looking out for SD....


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[Ref]

Sd's flight was cancelled this morning. Not weather related. We really don't know why. Sd was upset and the airline was telling Dh that Sd would have to take a flight that would get her in after 9pm. Sd immediately got on the phone to her mom all upset. Meanwhile Dh talked to the ticket person to have them squeeze her in on the next flight out.( 1:45pm instead of the 11:30 am flight.) He told Sd to wait until they figure out what is going on to call Bm.

After Dh pulled his magic, Sd called BM and told her that she was hooked up an a new flight and wont be so late. BM asked what the flight #'s were and for all the details. Sd gave her the info.

As soon as Sd got through security, dh texted her  to make a joke and make her feel better. She was much better anyway, but he wanted to have her leave happy.

Soon after we got a call from my mother telling me that my brother's wife is in labor. DH texted SD to tell her her cousin will be born soon. Sd got the message during the connection and there were some problems with the connecting flight. She texted Dh to let him know what the problems were. He called her right back to make sure it was going smoothly.

Shortly after Dh straightened everything out, his cell rang. It was his ex. She was calling to complain about him texting to Sd's phone. She said the costs add up and that she intentionally cancelled Sd's old phone and didn't give him Sd's new number on purpose.

Dh bought Sd a phone for her bday last year. It cost BM nothing. BM called it when SD was with us, and we never complained evne though she called multiple times in a day. BM threw it out the first chance she got and purchased Sd a new phone that cost her $30 a month plus texts and out of plan calls.  Dh called Sd on it when she was flying between our homes and BM got in a dizzy. DH bought a $10 recharge card so that BM couldn't complain about the costs. She cancelled that phone and bought a 3rd phone and informed Dh in a letter that Sd's old # was no longer valid.

DH only calls Sd between flights and texts her only when she is travelling. Never any other time. He probably contacted Sd $2 worth in the year she has had her own phone. Seems to me he has an $8 credit to his name.

She also yelled at him for not telling her directly about the flight! Dh asked to speak to BM but she said no. BM asked sd all of the information directly. What was he supposed to do, tell SD to not say another word and grab the phone out of her hand?

Did I mention sd has been to the dr multiple times recently and was prescribed medication? She has missed 4 months of period and is seeing her first gyn soon. She has missed several days of school. BM never contacts Dh about any of this. I am sure he will get a bill for all of this soon though.Ugh.

It also has on the parenting contract that BM is to pay for all long distance out of her home and Dh is to pay all long distance from his. Dh got an 800# many years ago for Sd to call here. He did this because he knew BM would just keep SD from calling if he didn't. He never asked her to pay him back for these calls.

She is such a B*tch.  I can't wait the 850 some days til this is over

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