Tired (whining)

[Ref]

I am so tired of dealing with SD and BM. It has been a long hard 12 years. SD is now 16 , flunking school, doing drugs, drinking and having sex. Her mother sanctioned her missing over 20 days of school.

DH got a call out of the blue tonight from SD. We thought it had something to do with a package that DH sent her that they had made 3 delivery attempts. Nope. It was 30 minutes of chatting about movies and laughing then the bombshell. "I don't want to see you this summer".

Damn. It was going so well. DH blew up. He told her she wasn't mature enough with all the drinking, drugs and flunking she is doing to make decisions like that. It turned into a fight.

She said that her mom could take her to the airport but she didn't have to get on the plane. Double Damn. She figured it out. DH said he would fly down there and put her on the plane himself. She had all the excuses in the world. "I want to work, I want to be with my mom...."

I'm tired. Our money has gone to this girl. I think about ways to help her constantly. I just want to fix my house and have a family of my own.

We have 2 years left, assuming SD graduates highschool. Maybe then I can have what I deserve. I love her and I still worry about her but it is becoming really difficult. It seems like she is becoming her mom. Sad.

I would love any advice. I don't think there is any out there except to keep busy and keep letting her know we love her.

Sorry about the whining. I know there is much more difficult things in this world to deal with.

Ref

[MixedBag]

you have a pm with a thought.

[gemini3]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bummed right now.  I wish that it were easier for you.  The only advice I could offer is to let her walk her path.  Regardless of the poor decisions she may be making, she is old enough to make her own decisions.  And, she's old enough to do what she wants regardless of what you and her father say.  Let her go and make her mistakes.  Hopefully she will learn.  If she doesn't, there's nothing you could do to save her from herself anyway.  You'll just make yourself miserable trying.

I came from a divorced family.  My father hit the road when I was 15, and I didn't see him for 10 years.  By that time all the dysfunction had already done a number on me, and I was doing all the things you're saying your SD is doing.  I ran away from home, I was drinking, using drugs, dropped out of school.  No matter what my family said or tried to do, I wouldn't listen.  I was bent on doing things my way and (in retrospect I realize that) I was PISSED about what had happened to my family.  Your SD is probably feeling the same way.  

The good news is that I finally realized what I was doing to myself and got my stuff together.  I got my high school diploma, went to college, and now I have a great job, my own home, and I am about to get married.  She still might turn out ok.  She most likely sees her mother for what she is, but it's her mother.  She is probably dealing with all kinds of stuff, and at 16 she doesn't know how to deal - and I'm sure hasn't gotten the best example from her mom.

Keep showing her that she's loved, and set a good example for her by loving and taking care of yourself.  Set clear boundaries for her and don't ever cross them.  But most of all, you and your husband take care of yourselves.

Good luck and hang in there!

[Ref]

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I was the same way. I drank, did drugs, slept with a few too many guys. I dropped out. I know why. I had terrible self-esteem. My mother was controlling and critical. My parents were divorced and my dad backed away. I had a very distant relationship with my dad. I believed every PAS thing my mom said down to thinking the mirrors in my room were 2way and my dad was spying on us. Reality was, we (me and my little sister) were my mom's spies. She was very subtle, sometimes, but now that I am older I can see how she emotionally rewarded me for rejecting my dad.

SD is walking in my shoes. She has it worse. BM nover made her go to school if she didn't feel like it. She raised her with such a sense of entitlement. Grrr. I don't know if she will fair as well as I did if we back out now.

I remember being 16 and haveing ANOTHER huge blow-out with my mom. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I knew I couldn't live with her. I called my dad and left him a message crying and pleading to let me live with him. He never returned my call. I suppose he thought it was some weird teenage fight and it would blow over. I moved out on my own and dropped out of school 2 months later.

I always think about what struggles I could have avoided if my dad took me in then. Even if he called me back and was a sane voice over my mom's craziness, I think things could have turned out differently.

My thoughts at this point are to try to have her come up for 1 more summer. I don't care if she is miserable. When she is with us, she does what she is told. She is only so tough over the phone or in letters. We can get her some summer school. Prep her for SATs and take her on trips to see the world that she won't afford to see if she doesn't graduate highschool. Funny things is that she wants to go to college. She doesn't see herself doing anything else. She just isn't making the connection that her behaviors today will effect her future. I guess she thinks she will charm her way into college. She is in for a rude awakening.

BM called yesterday morning to talk to DH. I am sure it is about this latest fight. She is probably going to try to convince DH to let SD stay in Florida for the summer to hang with her friends.....UGH that woman......

Thanks
Again
Ref

[Sherry1]

my SD stopped coming to see us when she turned 15 but she had a great summer job working for the Forest Service making $9.00/hour.  But she was a good kid, getting almost all A's & B's, she has never done drugs, but had a steady BF she was sleeping with since age 14.  In her case, I really didn't blame her for not wanting to come.

My YSS has a tendency to go down the wrong path.  He is 16 and skipped 21 classes the first 5 weeks of this semester and had 4 F's on his report card.  YSS lives with us.  I am really not sure of what the answer is, if any.  It really is a hard life being a step parent.

[dipper]

She probably didnt figure it out without bm's help.  I think this because she knows enough to cover bm's butt - 'bm doing her part by taking her where she is supposed to be', but bm not being liable for making her physically board the plane.  

I feel for you...but this is the life of a teen as well.  It's all about them, for most anyway.  

[Ref]

I am sure BM had her hand in it. She is evil. The package that I mentioned , was finally divereted back to us after the 3rd attempt failed.

BM wrote DH an email stating that she didn't "refuse" the package, she mearly did not sign for them and threw the slips away. She said FedEx calls the package "refused" only if she tells them she will not accept. What an evil woman.

I don't know how this will play out. I think we will continue to push for SD to come up here so that we can help her. If she doesn't come, I'm going on a nice vacation. Screw it.

Thanks again for all of your help.

Ref

[dipper]

Ref,
I would not blame you and dh if you pushed the issue and made her come.  

However, I also feel there is not much help that can be given because of her going back to bm and bm not making her face consequences of her actions.  It may be more of a headache than the visit is worth.  Will she finally settle in and accept or simply try to make your lives hell while she is there?  

There really is no win situation here as she needs to be taught the right way...but, unfortunately that would take more time than you will have with her...

Not accepting the package - that is just awful....That is just childish...return it and get your money back.  Go out - just you and dh...

[Ref]

The thing is, SD is a whole nother person when she is with us. She is happy and relatively respectful. She follows our rules and doesn't cause any trouble. I am not saying that she is a peaches and cream. She can be a brat, but for the most part she is fine. Her brattiness happens mostly when she gets off the phone with her mom.

I say, if we can get her GPA up to a C+ level and can prepare her a bit for the SATs, I would be fine with a little misery. Shoot. At my age, summers go by really fast. I'll get to summer '08 before you know it.

Believe me, part of me wants to say "to hell with it" and spend out money elsewhere, but she is still listening to us when she is with us, so it seems like there is still hope.

BM has doing the refusing mail and not passing on messages etc for over a decade now. It is nothing new. Just irratating that it still goes on.

Thanks again
Ref

[jilly]

>The thing is, SD is a whole nother person when she is with
>us. She is happy and relatively respectful. She follows our
>rules and doesn't cause any trouble. I am not saying that she
>is a peaches and cream. She can be a brat, but for the most
>part she is fine. Her brattiness happens mostly when she gets
>off the phone with her mom. >

This is exactly how it is with my SD.  This was our year for Easter.  SD was fine all weekend.  Easter morning the phone rings about 9:00 am.  I see Ex's phone number on caller ID and don't answer it. (Payback is a b%(%! LOL)

We leave to pick up DH's grandmother and to go to his parent's house for Easter.  We had to stop at the drugstore so Grandma could pick up a prescription.  My cell phone rings.  It's the Ex.  I ignore the call and she leaves a voicemail.  Later, she called my cell one more time after that.  I listen to the first voicemail and DH tells SD that she needs to call her Mom.

SD calls and talks to her Mom and for the rest of the day she was a whiny PITA.  It wasn't even that long of a conversation either.  All it took was just a few minutes on the phone with her Mom.