Sorry about all of the posts

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When my family and friends ask how things are going with SD, I say "same as before"... I am actually bored for them because no matter what crap BM pulls, it always seems to come out the same. I guess that is why I write here so much.

Bm left Dh a message on his cell today. Apparently SD is depressed and thinking she needs to see a therapist. Bm let DH know that it was all his fault because he hasn't spoken to SD for months.

Jesus! He has spent the past 13 years fighting for every phone call, every letter and every minute that he sees her. BM blocks calls, blocks emails, returns letters and packages and convinced SD since she was 11 that she didn't have to see DH. Dh is tired. Before it was BM pulling all the crap, now SD is doing the same. It is just too hard so DH just walked away.

He send SD a couple of emails, without any response from SD. He asked her to come up for some of her summer and she refused. SD and BM moved twice this summer and we only got contact info a couple of weeks ago.

He just can't fight anymore. Bm is blaming DH for giving up and saying SD is depressed because of him. What can he do? SD is completely disfuctional. She has very few friends because of her antisocial behavior (same as her mom). She has no family because BM has disowned everyone, even on her side.

I don't know if there is any advice to give, but any ideas? What should DH say to SD?

Thanks
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[MixedBag]

skip listening to the criticism from BM, and listen to the meat.

Therapist.

Find out whom....and work with them.

Never feel like you are posting too much.

SOS -- same ole $hit, different day.

[mistoffolees]

It's not going to be easy - with any luck, SD will eventually realize what is going on. Or maybe not - but you have no control over that. Some people are so messed up that there's little you can do about establishing a relationship until they get their own act together.

At 13+, SD is old enough to hear the truth. If I were her father, I'd sit her down and tell her that you've tried for the entire 13 years to keep in touch but have been unable to due to blocked calls, moving without address information, etc. She may not like it, but it will undoubtedly ring true for her and stick in her mind - maybe to open the doors at some later date.

I would also encourage her to go for counseling - because it's the right thing, not because it will help you at all (it might, but I wouldn't count on it). I would state that you're willing to go with her for one or more sessions if the counselor thinks it would be helfpul (I would not push the idea because then it looks like you're trying to control things).

Good luck.

[Ref]

SD is now 16 going to be 17 soon.

DH and I both have spoken with SD over the past 3 years or so, telling her that what she hears about us is not true and that she will have to understand that when 2 people don't agree on something , sometimes the truth gets twisted around. She flat out said that whatever we say is lies and that she will always believe BM. We told her that maybe someday, when she is older and can understand the situation better, she may see things differently. What more can we say?

We gave SD a SPARC Card that she didn't use for the past 4 years. We have an 800# that we pay low usages fees on now because she never calls. We have the same number the same email the same address.....

BM blasted DH because he told her he wouldn't buy SD a car because he hadn't heard from her in months. She told him he was a terrible person for putting the blame on a child. She said that he should be ashamed because it is his responsibility as a parent to communicate. Excuse me... but how much more can he do? When the last time he spoke to SD she said that she didn't need him and found him annoying and that whatever she needed, she could get herself or through her mom. He sent her an update what is going on here and she read the email several times but never once responded. At what point should he say, the ball is in SD's court?


I have no doubt the girl needs therapy. She is royally screwed up. BM sent her to a friend of hers who is a therapist (BM is also a therapist). She told DH that she was going to send her 3 times a week and he should prepay all the copays to her. SD went 4 times to the therapist over 2 months. BM wouldn't even tell DH contact information, he had to find out through the bills that she sent like the rest of SD's life.

She said she was thinking about sending her to a new therapist (the old one went out of business). DH would LOVE to speak with a third party about what is going on to help SD, but we live 1500 miles away and the damage is so bad now... I don't even know if it would help.

I wish DH had a way to contact SD without having to talk to BM. SD used to have her own phone line but BM didn't get her one for the new apartment. Dh bought Sd a cellphone but BM threw it out and got her a new one and told DH he was not allowed to know the number. So now he has to go through the gatekeeper.... UGH. He really doesn't want to talk to that monster. It makes both of us physically ill even thinking about her (BM) calling us or emailing us.

Part of me thinks this is all happening because DH said that he wasn't going to get SD a car because she wont call him or see him. SD can be very manipulative (what teen isn't?). We'll see.

Anyway, I am going on a tangent. Thanks for listening.

[Kitty C.]

If you're looking for another possible way to contact SD, you might want to try her school.  Do you have contact with anyone there?  Get on their website and access their calendar.........that will tell you about special events that she might attend, as well.  I know that you live 1500 miles away, but if you can get a contact through school, maybe even a letter via a teacher or administrator, it might be a start.  If you know what she's involved in, check the school calendar for that particular event and try to attend.  Just possibilities............

[Ref]

We just found out what school she went to. We didn't have any clue for 2 months! DH asked in April and BM just thought it relevant to tell him last week. UGH. Luckily the Principal of her new school transferred from her old school, and he might remember DH's situation. We will be sending the standard requests.

One problem about contacting the school is that BM has convinced SD that whenever DH has contact with the school he is nosing in on SD's personal business. It just makes him more the bad guy.

I think I might have posted this as an example before. DH asked that his name be added to her school papers, emergency contact etc a couple of years ago. Pretty standard stuff. Well, BM went to remove SD from school early and they had no record of her being Sd's mom or of her having the right to take her out of school. The only record they had was the one DH filled out. Why? BM didn't bother filling the forms out at the beginning of the year. She flipped out at the school and told SD that DH did this to spite her and DH is a total jerk. We saw SD that night and she said she was mad at Dh because he had the school take BM's name off the papers. On the other hand she said that her mom never handed in the papers to begin with... Instead of her seeing her mom as failing to do her job, she saw DH as an agressor.  Sd said that the school admin look at her strange ever since that incident and she blames DH.

Can't win I guess..... I really hope she straightens this stuff out soon.

Thanks for your help,
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[ocean]

At this point I would ignore any info from BM. Try to laugh it off at this point as she is just crazy.
When SD gets away from mom next year (is she going to college?) then you can start a relationship again. In the meantime, send the brithday, christmas cards, so you can show that you tried all these years. The next time you see her, I would pull out anything you have document wise and show her and that you want to have a relationship with her when she is ready. There have been many stories that once the kids are away from the situation they start to have contact and form their own opinions.
Good luck!

[Ref]

We were looking forward to SD getting away and developing her own opinion on things but it looks like that might not happen. BM told SD that she wants her to go to the local community college and continue living with her. She said if SD plans on moving away to school she would move with her.

I feel really sorry for SD. BM is planning on taking over her entire life.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I think we just need to ride this one out.

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