Advice, comments regarding my daughter

[StPaulieGirl]

My 21 yr old daughter has been with her bf for 4 yrs.  She's left him several times, and she keeps going back.  I've tried to stay out of it except to suggest counseling.  They have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in March.

We've been battling the flu, both at my house and at hers, which is 2 hours away from me.  Yesterday morning, she called crying, saying that she couldn't breathe.  This kid doesn't whine.  I thought about packing everyone up in the car and going up there, but I'm still feeling the flu after a couple of weeks.  My glasses are also pretty old, so I don't feel comfortable driving in the dark.  Too dangerous.  Ok, so she calls back and says it's getting worse, but her bf told her to just tough it out.  I told her to call an ambulance.  If she doesn't qualify for healthy families or MediCal, she can make 10 buck payments on the bill every month.

She has severe flu and acute bronchitis.  I called my friend who lives next to them, and he told me that he saw them put her in the ambulance with a oxygen mask.  I called over to the house and no one answered.  I called the hospital and checked on her condition, thinking that her bf followed the ambulance to the hospital.  Heck I took a guess as to where they took her and got the number from 411.  Lucky guess, it was the right hospital.

This is where I have a really big problem....not only did her bf NOT go to the hospital to check on her, he expected her to walk home when she was released!  5 or 10 miles, people! And it's freezing! I got a couple of phone calls from her in the hospital, and there wasn't any transportation available that time of evening.  She took a taxi home, and her bf bitched her out because it cost 10 dollars.  She called me this morning at 12:45 crying her eyes out and wheezing :-(

I called this morning, and she is still pretty upset.  He didn't apologize to her, or even ask her how she was feeling.  He does seem to love their little girl.  Too bad he doesn't love her mommy.

Any suggestions?  Taxidermy is not an option.

[Mellybug]

My mother always tells me that there is a nice plot of swamp next to her house that's pretty deep. The right amount of cinder blocks...you get my meaning.

Seriously, though, my mom tends to stay out of my situation (not NEARLY as bad, although he is currently very angry with me about getting my hair highlighted). The best you can do is VERY SINCERELY explain your feelings in a non-confrontational way. My mom would get angry and tell me that she raised me better than that...blah, blah, blah. And that's all it ever meant - blah, blah, blah. It wasn't until AFTERWARDS that I realized she was ALWAYS right.

Now, she tells me that it's my decision, but she's concnered that this behavior isn't healthy. She also keeps reminding me that the only way to be stepped on is to be a doormat.

I never forget that statement. I remind myself that it's hurtful now, but I know IN MY HEART what is best. The longer I ignore my instincts, the more hurtful it will become.

Be supportive, and let her know how much you care. A LOT! (We all love knowing we're loved).

Mellybug

[StPaulieGirl]

Thanks for the advice.  This has been going on since they got into a fight and she missed her high school graduation.  My oldest girl is 24, and unfortunately makes things worse because she belittles their living standards.  This gets my other girl's back up.  I told her quite a while ago, that if something happened, she'd always have a place to go.  I get along with her bf, because he doesn't pull anything when I'm around, and I want to keep the peace. He went too far this time.

[JAFO]

Until she's had enough and makes the decision on her own, Mom, there isn't much you can do.  Jumping to the rescue all the time isn't always a good answer because she needs to figure this out for herself.

Keep your ear open to her and the door available as well.  Then step back and let them make decisions.  Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they learn from their decisions.

[Peanutsdad]

StPaulie,

Personally, I would offer you a nice desolate stretch of west texas desert to use as you see fit for ,, shall we say,, disposal? ;)

In any case,, its quite obvious that he doesnt give a tinkers damn for your daughter, and she should be able to see that quite clearly. Leaving is up to her,, just be ready to help pick up pieces.

[StPaulieGirl]

I'm moving back up to the CA high desert anyway.  So many holes, not so many rangers  ;-) I wanted to get a place big enough for them to move in with me, so I could keep an eye on things, but THIS IS RIDICULOUS!  I just spoke to my friend, and he's pissed off at the whole thing.  I told him not to get involved, but he has Motrin that he can give her.  We had to talk about how he was to casually walk over and give them to my girl.  There is NOTHING in that house. She needs that Motrin!  When I visit, I have to buy damn near everything.  I paid their rent last month.  My friend wonders where the hell the money is going,  besides pot.

I just had a wonderful phone conversation with the bf.  Nothing out of the ordinary. I told her to get rid of him when he got in a fight with my girl, and she ended up missing her hs graduation.  I told him that he was no longer welcome in my home, so dumbass(self esteem-what's that) moved out with him.  Yeah.   Back to the phone call, where I tried to explain when someone can't breathe, it really isn't a good idea to wait 24 hours.  What if she died?  The flu is kicking everyone's ass!  As usual he argued with me, and Kathie is trying to yell at him.  I could hear her in the backround.  Luckily my 9 yr old's friend's mom beeped through.  Kathie knows what to do, but it's hard when you're hooked up to a manipulator.  


This guy was her first,and only steady bf; but there are a lot of people in her old circle of friends.  Deep Creek is truly a "deep creek".

Disclaimer: I'm pissed off at that arrogant asshole.  I don't have the time or energy to give that piece of poopoo what he deserves....

Thanks for listening.  I'm worried about not only my girl, but my grand daughter.