Tuesday Funny..............

[Kitty C.]

Had this e-mailed to me and JUST had to pass it on!



ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.  The man replied, "Well your Honor, it
was like this:

            *

              When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice
              her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The
              Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

            *

              Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's
              Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

            *

              Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
              "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
              contain myself.

            *

              BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
              under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have
              prevented this Accident." I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!"

[lah101]

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer face and followed him into his bedroom. One of
the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed
me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! what are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my
wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you
pulling on its...its...teeny little... " she gasped for more air to bellow
in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know
Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter.
[em][font color=660066]"Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it's worth more than gold!"[/em]

[Kitty C.]

Oh, you're KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got people looking at me strange, too, LOL!  This is a CLASSIC!!!!!!!  

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

[Kitty C.]

Just got this off another Dad's site, it's priceless!



Smart woman + smart man = romance
smart woman + dumb man = marriage
dumb woman + smart man = affair
dumb woman + dumb man = pregnancy

A man will pay $2 for $1 item that he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about her future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot, and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot, and not understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Old relatives used to come up to me a weddings, elbow me in the ribs and whisper, "You might be next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Have a nice day.

[lah101]

(As answered by elementary school students)


How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10
[em][font color=660066]"Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it's worth more than gold!"[/em]

[wendl]

OMG lah that is sooo funny, I was busting up, kids were looking at me  wonderig why I was laughing so hard.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**