Caught in the Middle----(long sorry)

[prince13]

I am looking for some advice.

I will try to paint a brief history of the situation.  My bofriend has been divorced for nearly 5 years and has 3 children who are ages 13, 11 and 7. The oldest being a girl and the younger two both boys. Since the divorce his ex (Sybil is my nickname for her due to what I think is a multiple personality disoder) has taken him to court numerous times in an effort to reduce his parenting time to nothing. And it has worked because at the time of the divorce he had every weekend, every other holiday and all summer. We also live 4 hours and one state away from Sybil  and the kids. BF drives back 4 hours to see the kids for his parenting time.

The most heinous of the court battles began in the Spring of 2003 and at that time Sybil alledged abuse of both a physical and sexual nature. Judge saw right through her crap; however he still managed to eliminate some of his summer parenting time with his daughter. That got reduced to 4 weeks. That summer was HELL as Sybil pulled multiple stunts that i won't expound on as it would make you want to vomit. Then beginning in the Fall 2003 Sybil began denying weekend visitation. This went on until the Decebmer 2003 court date. BF missed 10 weekends with his children including his Thanksgiving holiday that year. In court in Dec the Judge again reduces pareting time to one weekend per month, and orders BF and kids into counseling to repair their relationship. The one good thing was the Judge did rip "MOTY" a new one in court and did threaten to change custody if this crap kept up. We tried to get her for comtempt, but that didn't fly which is no big surprise give the favored status of women in family court.

BF and kids start couseling in Jan 2004 and he begins to see them one weekend per month. The kids behave like nothing ever happened and are all love and hugs for their Dad. Go figure! The counselor did discover that Sybil and BF are not able to communicate so wants to meet with them together. I do have to add a funny in this...counselor told BF that he thought Sybil was "crazy". The biggest problem with her is that she is afraid of BF for whatever reason (can't think of a reason why?) and since the kids spend so much time with her they pick up on that and act in kind. The counselor has made things better for us, and this past summer was great. During the Spring when Sybil and BF met with him to do the summer schedule Sybil even said she would give BF his weekend back that he lost in court last Dec. We were shocked by this, but kind of thought that it would only be so that she could get her weekend parenting time during the summer months. The therapist also mentioned that those children need to spend at least one of those weekends per month during the school year here and that Sybil should meet BF 1/2 to facilitate this.

This brings us to this fall and my dilemma. She did give him is EOW and things have been going well thus far. However, she has those kids involved in so many damn activities that she is now balking on them coming her one weekend per month, but did tell BF that if he wants them here one weekend per month he will have to do all the driving. Grrr. that would mean that he would have to drive 16 hours in 3 days by himself! And she is also hinting toward reducing the summer parenting time for the 11 year old now, too. The kids are he are meeting with the counselor next weekend to do a post summer follow up and then the two of them are going to meet with counselor too. After that meeting, which BF thinks will be ugly, he plans on meeting with his atty to file more court papers. Thus my problem....every time they go to court she tells those kids, esp oldest daughter, everything and they react to her anger etc... etc.... refuse to see their Father and so on. Since things have been going so well (ok as well as we can expect with her) I am not sure this is a good idea as it will impact his relationship with his children yet again. And I CAN'T go through the living HELL I went through last Fall for a second time. It will kill me!

This is what he wants to file in his papers (some of which I agree with because if you don't have it in writing it will bite you)
1) to use the counselor as binding aribitration for their disputes

2) to get his eow back into the court order (he has been getting it again since August)

3) to get one of his weekend per month at our home and have her meet him 1/2 (normally he stays at his Mom's as she is in the same area as Sybil)

The things I don't agree with because I feel he is just waging a war to get back at her for the false allegations etc....

4) his weekends back that he lost last Fall

5) more time with his daughter in the summer ( I feel ex will use this to get less time with the son for the summer as if we ask for 7 weeks and get it then she will say son to only have 7 vs the 10 now)

6) ex to pay expenses for all his driving last Fall and he didn't get to see the kids, and for her to pay for his atty and court fees and reimbursment for all the couseling since we now know that it wasn't his fault for all the problems during 2003

7) if her crap keeps up he wants the kids in foster care and a home study to be done etc...( I think this was just him venting, but you never know)

How do I get him to see that he needs to tread carefully, as it is about what those kids need (more time with their Dad) and not about putting her through the wringer even though she deserves it. I know that I can't make those decisions for him as they are not my children, but as the psuedo sm of those kids I feel completely caught in the middle. Some days I wonder if I shouldn't just walk away from the realtionship as I am only along for the ride stuck in the middle not being able to do a damn thing. Frustation! I feel so stuck because I am under undue stress just because I choose to fall in love with someone who has 3 great kids and is a great father, but a psychommy? How do you disengage and still keep your sanity?

[MYSONSDAD]

Sounds like PAS. Her having the kids so involved with activities is only, in part,  to keep them from their father.

Hope I don't offend you, but they are his kids and it is his choice on what to do. Run this thru his attorney before he proceeds. I would also have a Parenting Plan ready to go.

Is there any current CO in place? If so, I would think she would be in contempt. I hope he has been keeping good documentation.

Having the arbitrator in his favor should help. They need to have someone mediate over this crap.

My opinion only, but it is war, a fight for his kids.

I do feel for your situation, but he needs you more then you know. And like you said, you fell in love with him and he is a great father. All of us here are under undue stress, day after day, it never ends. We can only hope that we can get the kids thru this and keep fighting for the child's right to both parents.

Keeping good thoughts for you and your SO...

P.S. I think he is lucky to have you!

"Children learn what they live"

[nosonew]

Prince (lol)... I know this is tearing you up, but i sincerely doubt his attorney will let him do some of those things...but I think those things should be brought to the courts attention when discussing item #1.  She agreed this past Spring in mediation to meet eow 1/2 way, which your bf did (met her when he had the kids), and now that he gets them, she is saying no, no...backing out on her end after getting what she wanted.  Also, he needs it binding regarding eow...as she has a history of refusing visitation, and he needs sanctions placed if she does it even one time.  I personally would ask if she doesn't meet as c.o. or have the children available for his weekends, she be FINED, 300 for his driving times and other costs, plus 500.00 for every day missed, to be garnished from her paycheck. (Not as payment for missed time, but as punishment to her for being in contempt).   Requesting sanctions when proof of past history is there (hope you get the same judge), is reasonable.  

His #7 is just silly. He is just mad and venting. THAT IS NOT in the children's best interest at all...and will only serve to make the kids mad at him, not at the cause of these problems.  

Since counseling is now split 50/50, it is unlikely to be changed.  VERY doubtful the judge will do that.  Esp. since it has worked to his favor in the past.  Although he could request that if he is not notified in a timely manner about a meeting, thus being unable to go, he should not be liable for 50% of that meeting.  

Regarding atty fees, it is reasonable to request she pay for THIS time, since it is obvious she is not doing as the court asked and is renegging on her previous agreement (after she got what she wanted out of it).  

Being able to completely disengage is just not possible...because you don't want him to be making poor choices, etc.  You are head over heels for this guy and you make a great team...he just needs to learn to catch the ball when you throw it to him.  

He also needs to realize that as the kids get older, they will have social activities that will take priority over EITHER parent...when his daughter gets a bf of her own, she will literally HATE being away from him.  Have him think back to when he was 14-15-16...I know I hardly ever even saw my parents....heck, my dad grew a beard in August one year, and I didn't notice until Christmas! I think I was 16 then... so there aren't alot of years before the daughter will not want to come for long periods of time.  And you know Sybil will back her 100%...

Your bf needs a plan now for the future as well, let me think on this and I will email you....hugs, noso

[prince13]

I know it is PAS. There has always been signs of it since I met him, but it really escalated when the ex got remarried. For the life of me I can't figure that one out. We thought she would finally be happy and stop trying to interfere with everything.

I am not offended. Yes they are his children. However, I am the one that has to put up with the aftermath of his choices both positive and negative. That is where my stress comes in. Last Fall when we lived through the visitation denial I pretty much stopped eating and doing anything that I enjoyed as I could only muster the energy to get through the work day. It was awful. I just don't want to go through that again. I fear that is what will come if he pursues some of this through the courts. I know, we can't control what the ex does and we aren't responsible for her reactions to anything. However, since we know from past experience how she will react when challenged all of this scares me.

 And yes, he is going to run all of this by his attorney who I hope talks some sense into him about how to approach this. I don't think what he desires is wrong, I just think there are some better ways to go about it without having the ex become "major league" upset and take it out on the kids again. JMHO.

The current CO states that he gets the kids one weekend per month and every other holiday. The boys are here during the summer from one week after school lets out until two weeks before shcool starts. His daughter is here for 4 weeks during the summer to be determined before each summer. BF's atty and we both thought she was in contempt in Dec 2003, but unfortunately the Judge did not see it that way. There were 3 criteria to be met for this to be found true and she didn't meet one of them which was something about having the ability to maintain the co. Judge basically said she can't force the kids to go with their Dad if they don't want to....BS if you ask me.

The therapist is not really in his favor or her favor; he is in favor of what is best for the kids. Which we see as actually being in his favor as we SEE what is best whereas the ex doesn't see that at all. It has always been about what is convenient for her and no one else.

I hope that he feels as you do that he is "lucky to have me" as some days I think that he thinks I am a pain in the butt for trying to tell him what to do in regards to the situation.

Thanks for the good thoughts.

[MYSONSDAD]

I can tell with what you write, you love and care for those kids. They know it, but might be afraid to show it. Hang in there. Children know deep down who loves and cares for them and I would be willing to bet, your bf would not have gotten this far without you. He would have given up or just would not have the fight in him. So many fathers just give up after a length of time dealing with this crap.

When you get to court, ask that an 'enforcement sanction' be placed. This will give local police an order that they will have to follow thru with. They will have an court order to make sure his visitation is no longer violated.

As far as their activities, any chance you and your SO can attend some of the events? That would have a positive impact on his kids and he would have a chance to see what their involved in.

She will continue all the crap she can dish out until someone slaps her for it. What is so sad, the kids are getting hurt by what she is doing...

[prince13]

Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated. I know those children love me as we always have such a great time when we are together. Heck, when I go running the 11 year old begs to go with me, and sometimes it is a miler and he STILL wants to go.

You may be right about him giving up sooner had it not been for me. I encouraged him to finally stand up for himself (very passive guy wanting to please everyone). The only problem is that when he started telling her "no" is when some of the problems started. Hey, but he realizes that parenthood is not a popularity contest, unlike their Mother.

What do you mean by "enforcement sanction", as I have never heard of such a thing.

When it is our weekend with the children we do attend all of their acitivities, but sometimes it interferes with plans that we may have had for them which gets really frustrating. During the summer when they are here with us they are in things, too. However, we give their Mom the choice of whether or not she wants to take them to things during her parenting time etc as it is Her weekend time. We don't get the same courtesy.

She does need to be more than slapped to get the message. I think that the Judge verbally lashing her a year ago put some sense into her head, but  not enough for it to be permanent. Our family court system is the most backward thing that I have ever encourted in my life. Why do you have to fight to be a parent just because you are no longer married? That is so dumb, but the way it is. It is just like his ex telling him that she doesn't like the way he disciplines the kids (how come everywhere we go everyone has nothing but praise for how well behaved his children are? Hmmmm...boundaries?), yet when they were married he used the same type of discipline and she didn't have a problem with it then?

Again, thanks for the kind words. It is only the people here at SPARC that help me keep my sanity some days.

[teakae]

Caught in the Middle sounds just like my situation.

My SO is also a passive guy who wants to get along with everyone. Competent in general but likes to follow somebody elses lead. The PBFH walks all over his back and he just pretty much grits his teeth and bears it. I think I am in the situation you were in the previous year. We are scheduled for mediation next month and the court date is far far away.

Every day, it stresses me out to no end. Not just the psycho mommy but my SO's passiveness. I hate having to nag at him to do what is best for his children. I hate having to remind him to go check in with the kids teachers or with the lawyer who seems to be dragging his feet. I can help with the logistics but I have no power to actually DO the things that need to be done. So I end up being anxious about SO's inaction in addition to worrying about what Psycho mommy will or has done.

I don't have any "good" advice on how to disengage to keep your sanity. But the thing I do is try to find out about everything there is to know about custody disputes. "Intellectualization" is my primary defense mechanism. At least while I am studying and learning about it, I can feel useful. I am also diving into his records etc and is working on getting all the paperwork needed for court together. I record a diary of all the PAS stuff the BM does, all the good stuff we do with the kids, the telephone contacts and code them for easy reference. I look through all of the kids school work to see evidence of psychomommy not following up on the kids work. If I find it , I log it and file it.

There is a point when everything you need done at the moment is all done and you have nothing to do. Then I get very anxious and start worrying. I start worrying about the things SO has been procrastinating on and start nagging him, why he hasn't done it yet. He tells me that he appreciates me keeping him on track but I know getting nagged on is not a pleasant thing. It strains us both.

Keep in touch and we can comiserate...lol that often helps me!

[kitten]

Hang in there Prince.  I know how hard it is, first hand.  My SO needs me and depends on me, but at times treats me as if I am telling him what to do.  Sometimes it does come out that way, though I don't mean it too.  I get very passionate about his children because I do love them.  I hate seeing them hurt, I hate seeing SO hurt.  As a mother, it is so frustrating to see another mother hurt her children.  I just don't get it.  
My children are happy and adjusting so well because my ex and I have been able to put our differences and anger for each other aside.  It is hard to watch his children struggle emotionally knowing it does not have to be that way.  My SO envies my relationship w/my ex.  
SO and I talk ALOT about the situation, about my role in this.  The skids need you.  They need to see their Dad and you being loving and supportive of one another.  Where else will they learn how to have their own loving and supportive relationships in the future?

Good luck to you.

[MYSONSDAD]

Talk to the attorney about it. It is a sanction that can be put in the court order. If visitation is denied, the Police are ordered, by law, to enforce the court order. It no longer is looked at as a civil matter

"Children learn what they live"

[prince13]

Like yourself, I too, am passionate about his children. I don't have any children of my own so his children are "my children" so to speak. I am not a mother by the technical definition, but I still feel all the pain of the situation.

You are one of the fortunate ones who has established a working realtionship with your ex. You children are truly blessed because of your efforts in this arena.

I never thought of it that way...that they need to see a loving relationship between us so they know what one is truly like! Ironically enough, we are not married and I would bet that our relationship is better than her current marriage for a variety of reasons. There are days I wish evil upon her and that karma would come around soon, but I know that won't solve anything either.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but you may not discover what that reason is until much later. However, for the life of me, I can not figure out the reason for this one at all. There is no reason for her to be treating the children's Father as she does.