DH's bad or BM bad?

[steprealmom]

My DH just took my SD home and once again BM wasn't there (at her house) because he was a few minutes early.  BM is never there until exactly 8pm or later on Wed. nights.  If DH is early he has to sit and wait until BM gets home.  Very frustrating when he also has to be back to pick up my son by 8:30.  I would but we rather have other younger siblings (8 y/o & 18 mon. old) in bed at proper time instead of taking them out at 8:30pm.

Anyhow, tonite he was there at 7:30 and so he said to SD that they weren't going to just sit there tonite that they were going to get a snack.  SD got snotty and said that her mom wasn't a bad mommy.  DH asked SD did I just say your mom was bad?  Well no but (and then silence).  DH tried explaining to her that step-mom and I are always home before her step-brother and sister are dropped off by their bio-dad and he just feels that her mom should be too.  That mom and dad are different in alot of ways.  He then asked her not to speak to her BM about this because what we talk about stays between us and what BM and her talk about stays between them.  Talking to BM about it will just make things worse for SD.  

BM is currently take DH to court because DH spanked SD once and BM wants visitation to be changed to supervised only.  Posted this situation earlier in month.  Explaining to SD about that is a big NO NO!  SD just doesn't understand the more she tells BM the more likely she will never see dad or us again because BM will twist things whatever way she can to get her way, which is us out of SD's life and total control of SD.  I know DH is wrong in thinking the way he is about the supervised visitation if it were to happen but he wants no part in it.  They wouldn't be able to agree on a person to supervise it and he says he won't do it because of that.  He feels he parental rights would be being violated by supervision only.

I know BM is just doing nasty things she does to get DH upset about her but is it talking bad about BM when you are just really trying to teach your daughter the right and wrong way to act so she doesn't turn out like BM?

[jilly]

How long does it take your DH to get to the pick up place for your son from BM's house?  If it takes more than 30 minutes to get there, I can understand why he would need to drop SD off earlier.  In that case, maybe he and the BM need to change the drop off time so he can pick up your son on time.

If he knows the drop off time for his daughter is 8:00 why is he getting there 30 minutes early? Of course, this may be tied in to your answer to the first question!

Not trying to be a smartaleck but if I was the BM in this situation and knew my DH was dropping our daughter off at 8:00 I most likely wouldn't be home if he dropped her off 30 minutes early. I'd probably spend that time getting caught up at work or having dinner with friends.  I'm not condoning the other actions of BM, I'm just looking at it from another point of view.

[steprealmom]

It takes 30 to 35 minutes to get to the pick up place for son.  He usually only gets there 15 minutes early and she is still not there.  BM will not change anything let alone talk/communicate effiently for anything that would not benefit her directly.  Doesn't even matter if it would benefit her daughter it has to be good for her.

I respect your point of view but can't say that I agree.  Being a BM of three children of my own (2 from previous marriage) I would and do always make sure I am at least home 15-30 minutes before they would be home.  The children always come first not work or my own friends.  I also can communicate with my ex so if I won't be home I just let him know and he brings them early or later if possible for his schedule also.  It is very frustrating that this BM is so selfish that she refuses to communicate to DH or me for that matter.  Even though DH and I have been married 5 years she refuses to even acknowledge me without swearing.  Whole nother vent there. Sorry!

Thanks for responding!

[jilly]

Fair enough.

I do understand how you feel about the BM as I have to watch DH deal with the PBFH, especially now that she and her 2nd husband are separated.  She has started going back to her old ways.

I had a talk with SD last weekend just to see how she's holding up through all this.  Turns out she's not doing good at all. But, as kids will do, they don't tell you this stuff unless you coax it out of them. SD misses her SF very much.

The PBFH and the SF thought it would be best for him to just gradually fade out of the picture. For a while he was coming over every night after work and it has been decreasing since then. As SD told me, SF and her Mommy tell her that he's coming over in X number of days but to her it feels like it's forever.  Instead of making it easier on SD they are just prolonging the agony.

I asked her how she would feel if her Daddy just went away and she never saw him again. Her reply: "I'd be glad for a while but then I'd be really sad."  I asked her who she loved more...her SF or her Daddy. Her reply: "SF". (This answer nearly broke my heart and I will NEVER tell my DH about this part of the conversation. I did, however, tell him the rest.)  When I asked her why she loved SF more she told she loves SF more than her Daddy because her Daddy smokes when she's riding in his truck and that he told her that he was going to stop smoking and he hasn't.  She also said that when he smokes in the truck it makes her nose stopped up and hurts her nose and when she gets home she has to keep blowing her nose.  I told her that as much as I would like for DH to stop smoking that it would never happen and that I couldn't imagine him telling her that he was going to quit smoking and that he wouldn't stop smoking even for me.  She asked why and I told her because #1 he's been doing it for so long and #2 he likes smoking.  I didn't point out to her that when DH goes out on the enclosed backporch that she will go out there to sit with him and talk with him while he's out there smoking.  I'm sure you can figure out where this "logic" is coming from.

Another thing SD told me is that her Daddy is being mean to her Mommy and saying things that aren't true. When I tried to get examples of how her Daddy is mean to her Mommy of course she couldn't give me any. She just kept saying how he's being mean to her Mommy and how her Daddy has a bad temper. (That part is true. He does have a pretty bad temper.)  She finally did say that her Mommy said that when her Daddy gets mad he starts throwing things. (That part isn't true.)  I replied "Well, you've been here when your Daddy and I have had an argument. Have you ever seen him throw anything when we were arguing?" She didn't answer this question because the answer is NO...she's never seen her Daddy throw anything when we were arguing (which doesn't happen very often).  I then told her that sometimes grown ups argue with each other but that doesn't mean one person is being mean to the other...it just means they can't agree on something. I told her that whatever happens between her Mommy and her Daddy is grown up stuff and she has no business knowing about it or hearing about it and that her Mommy shouldn't have said those things to her.

We were still talking when DH got home from work and I told her that maybe she needed to take some time to talk to her Daddy.  So they talked for awhile and I could hear SD just crying her little heart out. She was telling DH that she didn't understand why this was going on between her Mommy and SF and DH explained to her that just like he and her Mommy had problems they couldn't work out that her Mommy and SF had problems they couldn't work out but that none of it had anything to do with her and it wasn't her fault. SD has always referred to SF as "Daddy", which just burns my DH up.  He asked SD if her Mommy had told her to call SF Daddy and she said no.  He then asked her if her Mommy had told her it would be OK for her to call SF Daddy if she wanted to and she told DH that her Mommy had said that lots of times.

Needless to say, DH was furious after all this because once again the PBFH is thinking of nobody but herself and hurting SD in the process.  She is so intent on getting back at DH that she doesn't care what effect it's having on her daughter.  Makes me want to beat her swiftly about the face and neck! LOL

He was going to talk to PBFH about all this but I told him he might want to reconsider because SD would be the one catching hell for it since she's told not to tell us anything that goes on at her Mommy's house. It's really one of those Catch-22 situations I think.  I think that PBFH and SF need to know that what they're trying to do isn't working and it's just making things harder on SD.  But, at the same time, he's been a part of her life for 3 years. How do you go from being there all the time to just going away?  I don't know that there's an easy answer to that one. When DH and PBFH separated she was only 2 years old so she doesn't really remember a time when they were together.  This is different because she's old enough to see and hear what goes on.  Bad situation all the way around for everybody.

[Stepmomnow]

Jilly

I don't know your situation, but is there any chance you could ask SF to see SD on your DH time?  Maybe have him over for dinner?  That way SD gets to see both her dad and her stepdad getting along, and gets some time with someone who seems to be important to her?

Added bonus is that it will really piss of BM, and there is nothing she can do about it.  Or if it makes BM mad at SD, then it is not a good idea.

I know DH will hate the idea at first, but maybe now that SF sees what BM is really like, he can become friends with SF.  

Just a thought - I am very sorry your SD has to go through another divorce.

[steprealmom]

Jilly,
I am sorry that you are going thru your "stuff" also.  I can't even imagine how my two kids would feel if their Step-dad and I separated.  I don't think that will ever happen though.  Our children were 5, 3 (SD) and 2 when DH and I got married. I know that they love him very much but don't believe they love one father over the other.  My DH and I tell all the children that have more than one mom or dad that they are lucky to have so many people that love them.  My son is the only one that remembers when his bio-dad got taken away by police.  He was violent to me.  I am glad my daughter doesn't remember.

My ex smokes too and I think right now he is at a quit stage but he goes back and forth.  It does seem to effect my kids allergies and their doctor told him that and I believe that is why he keeps trying to quit and requitting if necessary.  It helps that his girlfriend is a great person and doesn't like smoking either.

I love your paragraph on how you explained to SD about BM saying that StepF is mean.  You did a great job!  

My SD's BM, as I said, also hurts my SD and thinks nothing but herself.  I just can't imagine how hurt my SD will be if BM gets her way and we are out of her life.  She really loves us all but especially her baby half-brother.  SD won't even realize that she was the one that caused it if it so happens.  Hearing(s) start 11/30/04.  

Isn't funny how our SD's tell BM's everything that goes on at our houses but we never hear what goes on at the BM's.  OH I take that back we do hear about all the parties that she takes her too or Sea World or Zoos or Disney World or other amusment parks.  Where does she get the money to do these things when we can't afford a single one and she has SD living in a low income housing project.  Just doesn't make sense.  Like you said not talking to your BM about the SF and SD thing is a good idea.  BM would probably just start screaming at your DH and tell him that it is none of his business.  I know our BM would do that anyhow.  

Thanks again for the talk/posts.  It is nice to know that we are not the only ones suffering thru these types of things.

 

[steprealmom]

stepmomnow:
Good idea as long as it won't hurt SD or DH.  BM's have a way of making people suffer when they are unhappy.

My DH and my ex get along better than my ex and I do.  He has even invited my DH fishing out on his boat with the kids.  DH hasn't gone though just isn't quite ready to be buddies since they have such different values and morals it will be hard on the two dads in this situation to really ever become real friends.  Friendly yes, real friends probably not unless ex changes some of his ways which I don't ever see happening but you just never know.  It really helps them though that the kids see us all get along like adults should.  Too bad SD's BM can't act like an adult too.

[jilly]

You're assuming I cook! LOL  
There's no animosity between DH and the SF but I don't know if either one of them would be comfortable in the others presence.  A few weeks ago when we took SD home the Ex wasn't home and SF was there. You could tell he felt really awkward.  It was pretty much an awkward moment for all 3 of us. SD and DD were the only ones that didn't seem fazed by any of it! LOL  It would be nice to really piss off the Ex.  Not sure if she would take that out on SD or not.  DH would definitely hear about it!
In theory, it's a good idea. Just don't know if it would work in practice. You also have to take in to consideration that Ex is giving (or appears to be giving) SF more rights to SD than she gives DH.  Their Parenting Agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.  He does have her EOW and they alternate holidays. SD is with the respective parent on Mother's Day/Father's Day and their birthdays. SD's birthday just depends on when/where it falls for that year.
Thanks for the suggestion.  I will pass it along to DH to see what he thinks.  It does stink that she's got to go through this again. :(

[jilly]

Actually, SD was told that her Daddy (not SF) was being mean to her Mommy.

SD used to say how lucky she was because she had 2 daddys and 2 mommys and how she had so many people to love her.  We had told her this before because she had talked about getting confused sometimes about who was who in her life.  Sometimes she "forgot" and thought I was her real Mommy but then she'd remember that her Mommy was her real Mommy. That's when I told her that I knew it could get confusing sometimes but to just thnk how many more people there were to love her.

DH and I had SD for Christmas last year and when I was taking her home she said she liked doing Christmas at her Daddy's and then going to her Mommy's because she got lots of presents that way! LOL  Out of the mouths of babes huh?! LOL  So see? They do understand some of the added benefits!!

In our case, as probably in yours, the only reason SD tells Ex everything that happens when she's with us is because she gets grilled during bath time.  We try not to ask SD too many questions but since all this stuff is going on between the Ex and the SF I felt that we needed to talk.  Or more importantly, SD needed to have somebody to talk to. She seems to open up to me more than she will her Daddy. But even with that, she was very reluctant to talk last weekend. It's a shame that a child can't talk their Daddy for fear of retribtuion from a psycho Mommy if she finds out about it.

It is nice to know that there are others out there who have to deal with the same issues and we're not as alone as we think we are. The great thing is....this too shall pass!  One day the kids will be old enough to make their own decisions and sort through all the crap and decide Mommy needs to get a grip!

[Kitty C.]

Sounds like the SF is dealing with some guilt.....the question is why.  Maybe he realizes now just how important your DH is to SD, now that he's in the same situation.

What I would suggest is for DH to make the step forward and ask SF to meet in a neutral location, maybe somewhere for coffee or something.  Just to clear the air.  Regardless of whom SD calls what, your DH realizes just how important SF has become to SD.  Has SF been a bad influence on her?  Because nowadays, kids can't have TOO many people to look up to and respect and if he was a positive influence in her life, it would be easier if they could still have some contact.  

Cutting this kind of contact off at the knees for kids is devastating to them.  Even if all you do is gradually assist her in phasing SF out of her life, it would help her tremendously.

JMO, but the reasons for the discomfort is probably jealousy on DH's part for her calling SF 'Daddy' and SF for realizing how far he got in between her and her daddy.  If they can overcome that for her sake, it would do her a world of good.