I offered settlement, ex's attorney wants to meet. Any help, ideas, advice, ect.

[lissa68]

Melissa(lissa68)  For my husband:)

Ok, basic facts:

Iowa Court
Me, dad Pro-se

filed in Jan 04 petition to modify existing custody to 50/50.

filed in April 04, citing contempt of court orders, OSC, and Amended petition to me having sole custody and ex having visitation.

Judge set trial date for July 13, 2004 on all issues.

Ex, attorney...................denied everything in all petitions and contempt order and OSC.

I, thought I'd see if settlement could be reached, as this is getting hard on our daughter, as mom is filling childs head full of crap, offered settlement to original petition, but included tons of remedies, and things excellent for myself and daughter.

Ex's attorney jumped on it, wants to meet Thursday afternoon.

Thinking maybe the passing of Iowa's new JC law got him, or he actually seen all the proof I have submitted and will submit 5 days prior to trial as overwhelming as it truly is.

Any hints, ideas, stategies, ect you dads whom have already been through this could give me?

Any help and advice is greatly welcomed.

Tony James (lissa68's hubby)

[Peanutsdad]

I can only go on my own experience with trying to settle.

My ex's attrny( when she had one), also jumped on it,, yet,, his idea of settlement,, was my complete capitulation. Thus,, no settlement.


his first offer is going to be to maintain the status quo,, count on it. Dont get upset , simply ask for for what you know you wont get at first,, then start haggling.

I would start with an offer to them of sole custody for you,, and greater than standard visitation for her,, then slowly work towards joint and 50/50.

Keep in mind,, the longer he's there haggling,, the higher her bill goes.

[mudbunnies]

Sit down, type out details or sketches on every topic so that you know what you want, and in the midst of negotiating you wont forget anything... then work from there, yes I agree, start a little high, or for the most that you want and work to a middle, however, set your high ground and middle ground before you so that you dont lose your thoughts.  We have an entire agreement stored on our computer for when we go to mediation over everything we could ever ask for to be modified... good luck... bring a recorder or take lots of notes so that if you do agree and someone else types it they dont change what you agreed to... ensure you have plenty of time to review the document and dont be afraid to suggest changes even after typing, its not binding until everyone signs.....

[lacunar]

Well, I would take this approach, just as I do in all my negotiations.  Positions are futile, forget them.  Instead, decide what your primary interests are, and then find out the other side's primary interests.  With this information, you can then reach an agreement that will meet your primary interests.


Then make sure you have plan B ready to roll.  In this case, plan B is to go to trial to win.  Make it clear that you are not there to play games.  You are there to decide the primary issues and meet both sides interests.  Your willingness to settle  rather than pursue primary custody is in itself a gesture on your part: tell them you expect the same spirit of mutual benefit from them. If they take an adversial attitude, challenge the attitude.  My repeated phrase was, "Are you here to settle or declare war?" (or demonize, or wahtever stupid tactic they were currently trying).

See if you can uncover their real agenda, and then play to that agenda while staying focused on your true interests.  In my last negotiating session, my ex was so focused on trying to demonize me that I was able to get everything I asked for while just ignoring her attempts to get a rise out of me.  I also was able to get almost 50 50 custody without calling it that, by setting out a schedule that seemed to concede their "position".  (The major point of their positions was limiting weeknight overnights during the school year.  But if they ever did turn to overnights, it would in fact be year round 50 50 custody.  They were able to keep CS maxxed, but I see my son enough now where he nevers needs to feel like I am missing from his life.)

Its only recently sunk in what she has agreed to, and she is angry about it now.  But I know from experience that she will adjust, and that ultimately my son is the winner, keeping both parents.  They key was playing to their agenda while staying focused on what was most important to me: frequent, substantial custody.  

Meanwhile, I had the nod from the custody evaluator if we didnt settle, but knew the judge was leaning towards my ex based on her disability benefits and my need to work.  So going to trial would have been risky for both parties, but she had more to lose.  

Still, settling is the best option if you can manage it.

[lissa68]

Melissa(lissa68)
Thanks for the insight and ideas.



Lissa68