How to disengage

[prince13]

As most of us here all know, especially us Step Mom's or Step Dad's dealing with their spouses ex can be a challenge and cause conflict, anxiety and a host of other things. I am learning to disengage by using the mantra, not my kids, not my ex, not my problem. While I still support DH in the background I have given up being on the frontline.

What has helped me to do this you ask? I made DH change the password to his email account (we both used it) and got my own. That way I don't have to deal with any correspondence from the PBFH and I don't have to worry about DH responding, or not responding to her in a timely matter or what he is going to do or not do.

Guess what? This was the best thing I ever did in regards to this. I feel liberated! I just wanted to share what is working for me. Granted, I still have my moments as it is too easy to get caught up in the drama, but it is much better for me now that I have done this!

[joni]

This book saved my sanity:

http://www.miguelruiz.com/agreements.html

I disengaged from the Ex wife December of 2003.  It was liberating, haven't seen her since.   I stopped answering the phone when she calls (calling against the court ordered times) and stopped going to the pick ups/drop offs.

[kitten]

It is so very difficult to disengage, but we have to for our own sanity.  It is a hard reality to come to the conclusion that as a step parent, THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO aside from just loving the skids.  It hurts to see our loved ones hurting, we want to protect them and take their pain away.  We can decide what WE would do in a situation or how WE would feel, but in reality no matter who the person is, we can't truly know how they feel inside and what course of action is best for them.  I chose him for who he is and I can't tell him how to feel or what to do.  I never imagined that he would or could lose his kids and I never imagined the suffering he and his children go through.  My first course of action was to suffer with them, to take on the burden when he could not.  That only made it worse.  No matter how much I love them, they are HIS kids.  She is HIS ex-wife and the mother of these children.  I still struggle, but I think before I speak and quietly support him when he needs me to.  

[junglechicken]

In my case that's bm too.  The kids are great - no need to disengage from their care.  It was bm.  I felt FANTASTIC when I stopped answering the phone if she called, going along to pickups or dropoffs "just because", etc.  

Good for you!  :)

[prince13]

That is so true about THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO. I found myself offering unsolicited advice a lot of times, and then getting frustrated when DH would chose to take some other course of action and so forth. Difficut to disengage because I care so much, but if I don't I won't be able to live my life the way I want. It is too easy to get caught up in the drama sometimes. So at times, it wasn't so much her ( of course if she wouldn't do 1/2 the crap she does I wouldn't have these issues), but it was the way I thought DH should be handling things that caused the problems for me. I am letting go now, and it feels pretty liberating!

My mantra to tell myself is now "NOT MY KIDS, NOT MY EX, NOT MY PROBLEM. If I repeat it enough times then maybe it will finally sink in.

Thanks for everyone's support here, as I know you have all been there.