What happens to the kids?

[curious564]

When my DD was almost 3 years old my ex started a huge custody battle.  It was my belief at the time that he was actually interrogating her for information about anything that he could find out about, and he made accusations about everything he could think of in order to try to win custody.

DD went to psychologists for evaluations, doctors to see if she was allergic to something in my house (probably me), evaluations to see if she were sexually abused, sherriffs offices to testify to whatever else my ex would bring her there to accuse me of.

I am not uneducated, nor am I trash, I take my kids to the doctor when they are ill and pay it all myself without trying to stick dad with the bill.  I think I did a pretty good job of trying to live with what my DDs dad created.  I eventually signed custody to him - he got the weeks and I got the weekends - only to make it all stop.  (Um forgot that I would have to pay child support)  $100 a week - I drove the same car for 13 years until I could afford another because of child support - so I feel for everyone on this board.

So he got what he wanted and then he got remarried and DD didn't get along with the SM.  So ex doesn't tell me - he just starts letting her stay at grandma and grandpa's house 3 of 4 nights while she is growing up.

DD is now 15, almost 16.  She has been living with me since she was 11 and could finally get away from him.  She is an emotional wreck.  I believe that it may be just that the combination of trauma and neglect when she was so little may have had something to do with all of this.

Has anyone else seen this where the kid is just so emotionally trashed when they grow up after a huge custody issue finally plays out?  She's been in therapy for four years now and doesn't seem any better.  I've tried medicating her and not medicating her - no combination seem right.  She is brilliant and does well in school but she is ugly tempered and gets herself in trouble.

I know a lot of you have younger children, but does anyone have teens?

Curious  (needs badly to talk to other teen parents where the kid has been through a rough situation and custody procedings)

[Kitty C.]

DS could be a poster boy for the outcome of NOT having a positive, consistent male role model in his life, along with having to deal with this kind of BS.  Along with going thru a nasty LD custody battle when he was 4 (he went thru SEVERE separation anxiety because of that), he's ADHD (dx'd at age 8, now 16), only saw his father every summer and EO X-mas, had to deal with an alcoholic SF for about 5 years (HEAVY guilt on my part), then lost his own father to cancer 3 years ago.

DS also has other issues he's been in therapy for, has been on ADHD meds for 8 years, and still sees the same psychologist for the past 8 years.  I'm desparate, too.  Unfortunately, DS is also doing VERY poorly in school, to the point that if something doesn't change, he will not graduate.  So for the past year I have been vigilantly looking for alternatives.  One promising alternative for DS is a wilderness therapy program....but no matter how well it fits with DS, there's no possible way we can afford it and don't qualify for ed. loans.  I'm still searching.

I am seriously considering having him seen at the university where I work....they have an excellent psych dept., but my ins. never covered there till now.  All I can tell you is do NOT give up.  The resources are out there, the hardest part is just finding them.  Keep trying different practitioners until you find one who can really do something for her.  But whatever you do, don't give up on her!   :-)

[wendl]

My son is 13, we never went thru a custody battle BUT he has gone thru a lot due to the lack of involvment of his father.

I however have been lucky, I met my dh when he was 8, but we still stuggle at times because he gets so mad cuz his own dad is a smuck to put it nicely.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[4honor]

My parents did not divorce until I was 17, but my mother started alienation tactics against my father long before (1976) they separated in 1982 (divorced in 1983 - served on 1 APRIL 1983).

I was "brilliant and did well in school but I was ugly tempered and got myself into trouble." Alcohol - lots of it - and promiscuity were problems in my years from 16-22. I had a child out of wedlock and finally began to run with a small crowd of "armed career criminals" (30 yrs in jail kinda guys who beat the sentence on a technicality). It was not pretty.

Quite frankly, the therapy meant nothing until I became a Christian. You cannot heal the SPIRITUAL scars that result from believing your parents betrayed you (from their actions -- or their inactions) with mere words. All the talking in the world will only open the sores and allow the infection out. It is only a start. It takes some divine intervention.

Your child probably has a problem with her emotional nerves being raw. EVERY feeling hurts... so she shuts down all the good ones as well as the bad ones. The only feelings that get through are the explosive ones. And it is likely that there is an issue about not having self control... so she is likely to create (bad) situations where she DOES have control. I fear she may intentionally self destruct (I imagine you do too.)

My honest advice is to pray over your child. Every morning pray for her healing. Pray that opportunities which could be harmful to her do not present themselves to her consciousness. And I will pray along side you. The Bible says that wherever two or three are gathered together in Jesus name, He is there in the middle of them and that the fervent prayer of a righteous (wo)man accomplishes much. If you cannot believe, then I am sure there are others here who can stand in the gap for you.