Looking for a better way.....help

[FFCTOF2]

 
   To All -

 I am a 32 year old father and a "non-custodial" parent of two beautiful children. In dealings with my ex-wife it seems that I am always the parent that acts for the children, always the one that keep's his cool. I hear of some of the things my ex tell's our kid's and it tears me up inside. I can't believe that she constantly put's those kid's "in the middle". I keep asking her to keep the kid's in-mind, and to watch what she say's in front of them, but it never help's the sitiuation. I've tried being silent and non-confrontational, I've also tried to voice my opinion......neither way work's very well or at-all.
 I'm looking to see about getting custodial custody of our kid's. I know this is near impossible for fathers and also very expensive, but I have to try. I feel that if I don't do something all will be lost. If anyone has any suggestions or comments please let me know. Thank-you for taking the time to read this.
 
          Thanx again - Aaron
     
       

[nosonew]

I think you need to research the term PAS.  One of the personality traits common in dads who's ex PAS's is passivity.  If you are a passive person, always trying to make the peace and GIVE IN just to help the kids, you are your own worst enemy.  My hubby was like that, and I said, Okay, so how is giving in helping?  All it does is encourage the behavior.  Then I read a book on PAS by Richard Gardner, and he said the same thing.  

You have to keep a firm stand on things, and your kids will benefit from your ability to NOT SWAY to her demands.  She is digging her own grave putting the kids in the middle.  You have to document everything, record everything you can, and build your case.  It may take awhile...but put EVERYTHING in writing.  If you have email, sign up for readnotify.com, it will prove you sent emails and she received them, never put anything in writing (email included) that you wouldn't be proud to display on the front page of your newspaper., or have your judge reading!

Never state anything negative about ex, but if you have to state something contrary to what ex has told children, just state that you have a different opinion that she, rather than telling the kids she is nuts.  (KWIM?)  

And, always watch your back, don't use real names on the internet, all she has to do is a search for your name, and your post can come up.  DON'T DO IT unless you want her here! And knowing all you say!

Good luck, I am sure you will get alot of other good advice!

[Peanutsdad]

It sounds as if you have tried to be reasonable in the past. I wish you the best,, here are a few links to get you started.

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm

Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm

Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm


http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vassiliou.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner06.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-navarre.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner01.htm

THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand01.htm - size 40kb - 20 Oct 2003
12. Mediation And Parental Alienation Syndrome by Anita Vestal
This article looks at parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is a complex manifestation of mental and emotional abuse resulting from conflicted parents fighting for custody.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vestal.htm - size 52kb - 20 Oct 2003
13. Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children
PAS is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has described three types: mild, moderate, and severe, each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner02.htm - size 54kb - 20 Oct 2003
14. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Studies of target parents who are falsely accused of abuse report they tend to be less disturbed than their accusing counterparts.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand12.htm - size 53kb - 20 Oct 2003
15. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand11.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
16. Parental Alienation Information Archive
All the information on the SPARC site regarding Parental Alienation has been consolidated on this central reference page.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm - size 17kb - 20 Oct 2003
17. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II) (cont.)
In the following case, the accused father was an officer in the military. Testimony on PAS by the defense expert provided the judge and jury with some alternative explanations as to the reasons the children accused their stepfather of abuse.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand13.htm - size 31kb - 20 Oct 2003
18. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand02.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
19. Expanding the Parameters of PAS
The newness of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) compels its redefinition and refinement as new cases are observed and the phenomenon becomes better understood.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm - size 32kb - 20 Oct 2003
20. PAS: How to Detect It and What to Do About It
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-walsh2.htm - size 24kb - 20 Oct 2003




One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.

[Bolivar OH]

I am a NCP trying to get the custody status of 50/50 physical custody.

First – it is very, very difficult to change custody.

It will be very difficult just to go from NCP to shared parenting (50/50 time).

Therefore - get more time with your children.  Take the children every weekend,, what ever it takes to get more "parenting time" with your children.

Take parenting classes, CPR classes, get involved in PTA, your children's after school activities.

Currently I am working with:

Steven Carlson
ChildCustodyCoach.com
Orange County, CA
(714) 379-0850
//www.childcustodycoach.com
[email protected]


His fees are worth every penny.

[gas]

Hello Aaron,

I recently won in court to get 50/50.  It was not as difficult as I would have envisioned.as many courts in California are much more progressive...they examine who IS the capable and responsible parent..regardless of gender..Very expensive (pretty much bankrupt me)  but how do you put a price on time with my kids?  One of the best elements of 50/50 (at least here in So. Cal) is NOBODY was labeled a CP or Primary Custodial Parent or NCP or anything else. the court order simply states "EQUAL SHARED PARENTING" This take ALL control away from "controllers" and levels the playing field.

What is your current parenting schedule and visitation %?  How close do you live to the irresponsible ex?