parents never married--Colorado

[Gram]

My daughter and her 18 mo. old daughter live with my husband and me. I provide all daycare for my granddaughter at no charge. The biological father never married my daughter, they never lived together, but he is named on the baby's birth certificate and admits paternity. They have temporary court orders and it's time to file for permanent orders, but the father is requesting the assignment of a child and family investigator to determine what's in the child's best interests. The father is always late for his visits, cancels visits often, and argues every little thing in the temp. orders. It doesn't seem possible for the two of them to share decision-making or agree on the parenting time. Can anyone tell me what to expect from the C&F Investigator? The baby has never spent the night away from home...are overnight visits with the father appropriate for her at this age? Thanks for any help you can give.

[Ref]

I have never been in the situation you are in, so my opinion is simply based on my experience as a non-custodial stepmom.

First, your daughter is extremely lucky to have you at this point. There are so many grandparents that are in your situation that don't get the appreciation that they deserve.

In my opinion, this is going to be a very long 18 years for the three of them, and probably you too. It would be in their very best interest to make sure EVERYTHING is spelled out in the perm. orders. Visitation times, dates, location of pick-up and drop-off, ability to call the child, who determines what schools and extracurricular activities the child may go to, who pays, who makes medical decisions and pays for the bills, who carries insurance for the child.

You can go to the home page of this site and look at articles. In the you can find parenting agreements. Remember, the more specific, the better when parents don't disagree.

My husband's parenting agreement has him notify the mom if he is going to miss visitaiton with at least 48 hours notice unless it is an emergency. She also doesn't need to wait for him if he is over 30 minutes late for visitaiton without a call.

I can't imagine if you have a pretty health family that you have much to worry about with the investigator. He/she is obviously going to be looking at the best environment for the child. I would hope that if you live close to each other and both houses a healthy that you would have 50/50 custody.

As far as when the baby should be allowed to go on visitaitons is concerned, I think now is just fine. It isn't a slumber party, the child will be with his father. Every parent has their first time alone with the child and 99.9999% of them do just fine. If you are concerned about supplies and feeding times and the like, make a list and tell him that you don't want to seem bossy but you thought this might help him out.

You have a situation where you can use your own personal experience to help your daughter and her ex lean to act like adults with each other. I am guessing both are fairly young. Try to support relationships with both parents and talk kindly about daughter's ex when the child gets older. This is the best way, in my opinion that you can help.

Good Luck!
Ref

[Gram]

Thanks for your input, Ref. I agree that it's important to have everything spelled out in the permanent orders, and I know how important it is that we try to stay positive about the father in talking to the child. Maybe I'm naive about this, but I just don't think 50/50 custody is good for young children. My granddaughter has never lived with her father. She has spent every night of her life right here with her mother and grandparents. The BF lives in a dumpy bachelor apartment and has no crib, highchair, etc. Right now all of his visits with the baby take place at his mother's house. We know he'd just leave her with his mother if he was allowed to (the temporary orders forbid this now.) Why is it considered a good idea to have young children shuffled around from house to house? This shouldn't be about what's "fair" to the parents, but about what's good for the child.