She's driving us crazy!

[angel]

Does a father with physical custody HAVE to put up with an ex/gf (BM to son) calling to speak directly with him several times a weekend?

For a bit of background: BM hardly ever gets the child -- about 2 days total in the last two months (her choice, not father's). She also has NEVer called to speak to father about an "issue" actually concerning son.  She calls to:

1. Ask the meeting time for the 100th time (even though it's been the same time for over a year, and could be quite easily tacked on her fridge).

2. To tell him directly WHY she's not getting son that week--even though he's told her many times that all she has to do is leave a message STATing that fact--he doesn't NEED to know WHY.

3. To beg for gas money (he has never ONCE given it to her, as she simply squanders her money on unecessary things--like drugs for the weekend, but she keeps asking).

4. To beg father to drive the whole distance to save her the trip [because she's too lazy and incompetent to do it herself]. (He has not, and WILL not do that, and has told her so many times). To take son up there is simply "leaving him to the wolves" since she just sends son off with known druggies or anybody else she can pawn him off on, so father is quite content with all the more she gets son.

5. Whatever other stupid reason or excuse she can come up with that day.

She is under the impression that because she was the oven for this child, that it grants her automatic "right" to father, even though he doesn't desire it, and has begged her to just leave him alone since she doesn't call to discuss son, but she's almost impossible to get along with if she doesn't get her own way.

This family is about ready for the looney bin because of her. Is there anything that can be done legally to put a stop to this insanity? Or does father just have to keep putting up with this for the next 8 years?

[ocean]

Get caller ID and let it go to voicemail. If she says she is not picking up son than no need to call her back. If he needs to speak to her than say, what do you want? Then he needs to listen to the jist of what she wants and then say "okay, if there is nothing more, I need to go now" and HANG-UP. It will take a while but soon she will get the hint. He needs to make it a business call, period. Can you change over to e-mail? OR tell her you will be taping all calls from now on? (it may scare her a little). You can get a cheap one from radio-shack. Don't let her control your family. She is the BM and should be given all info about son but she does not need to call you all the time either.
Good luck!

[angel]

Thank you much for the reply, but we've tried all those things, and it won't work.  

She absolutely reFUSes to leave a message stating "I won't be getting "son" this weekend", or "I'll be 15 minutes late"....She deMANDS to speak to BF.  So voice mail (which we have) is totally useless.

She absolutely reFUSes to leave ANY kind of message with me other than "Tell him to call me".  She wants to speak to BF, or else.   So we never know whether the message is that she's not GETTing son, or just that she's going to be late....she is using it as a power play against BF, and he knows it, but feels powerless to stop it.

And once she DOES have son up there (which is quite infrequent) she KNOWS that BF has no CHOICE but to call.

I also agree with you that BM has the right to info about her son, but she has never ONE time called for that.  In three years she has never once asked what his grades are, she's never once bought school pictures, she's never one time come to see the home he lives in, (and the list could go on ad nauseum here).  

BF is just sick of the made up reasons/excuses to FORCE him to get on the phone--he feels like he's lost all power over his own evenings at home, and he'd sure like to find some sort of answer to her insanity and games.  

[ocean]

You are letting her beat you. I would not return the phone calls until she states her intention. She may call 100 times but let it go to voicemail. YOU never pick up the phone when you see it is her (not worth the power play). Let her demand away....and unless it is close to pick-up time or drop-off I would not give in. Then your DH has to keep it quick and short and HANG-UP.
What is the visitation like now? Maybe tell her you will call every Thursday before the weekend visit (or whatever) to verify pick-up and that is the only time you will be picking up the phone unless it is an emergency and she states it on the voicemail.  (send her a letter with confirmation in the mail stating since the communication has broken down this is how you plan on dealing with this issue). If she calls to speak to child, hand the phone to him and have him call (this also could be at scheduled times) then child hangs up or he says "anything else, no? bye!" :)
Good luck!

[angel]

You were able to see as well that this is a power game on her part, but whether DH answers as soon as she calls, or waits til close to pick up/drop off time, it's still her pulling DH's strings-- so regardless of when he "gives in"-- it's still giving in, and that's all she's after and all she cares about.  

It doesn't matter to her if he's on the phone with her for 5 seconds or 5 minutes--just as long as she's FORCed him to return a call. This is apparently how she gets her jollies--she likes/needs to know that she still has "hooks" in him, and can still make him "dance" and this is the way she does it.

Last time DH told her to just LEAVE A MESSAGE stating WHAT she wanted, her reply was ---(and she screamed this right in front of son) "He's MY "F***ing* son".

Now--we have NO idea what THAT'S got to do with the price of tea in China!  But apparently,  in HER mind, because DH is son's BF, that gives HER the "right" to DH.  She doesn't seem to "get" that  THat birth gave her certain rights to SON, NOT to father.

She RAREly calls to talk to son. In three years, she's talked to him via phone perhaps a total of 10 minutes in all.  It's son's DAD she wants to talk to. If she does talk to son, she's on long enough (20 secs) to say how much she "loves" him...how much she "misses" him, and then "let me talk to your dad".

I was sure hoping that there was some legal way of dealing with it, but there must not be. There certainly SHOULD be in these kinds of nut cases...

DH suggested changing phone numbers, but I know that's not permitted.  The only one she DOES want to access is DH, but she's suPPOSed to be enabled to phone access to son.  

This woman has son in her home perhaps 20 days a year (and it's probably not even THAT much) but she creates more problems for us than anybody or anything!!

Well thank you so much again for your reply, and for the wish for good luck--we're going to need it-- we have 8 more years of having to deal with this psycho.  

Here's to a wonderful day!

[ocean]

Maybe changing numbers except one would be good. Either change your home so she is only calling a cell phone or change the cell phone number so she is forced to call the house only. You have to give her ONE number to contact you. You and your DH have to learn to laugh it off and continue to make the conversations very brief and then hang-up.  For 20 days a year, you should be able to cut the phone calls WAY down and if you know it is not an emergency then call her the next day especially when the child is with you.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

[Mamacass]

Has she made any threats toward anyone in your household?  If she has you can get a protective order, which means that she would no longer be able to call your house without breaking the order.  However this also means that you can't call her house.  The only way for communication then would be through a thrid party.  For example, you could have your sister call her to see what time she'll be picking up your son.  
Not sure if it works the same everywhere, but that's how it is in VA.  Also,  you may want to check what the harassment laws are in you area.  

[cathy]

STOP answering the phone!  Why in the world are you, or BF, answering??  You have caller id I assume?  So what if she refuses to leave a msg?  Too bad for her.

Ok - so you do need to know if she is coming to get son or what.  So here's a thought.  Next time BF talks to her, he tells her that the excessive phone calls are to stop.  HE will call her on between and she needs to be able to tell him if she is getting son or not.

Then BF calls her then AND ONLY THEN.  If she isn't there, too bad.  Just go on with your business till the next week.  

She can only drive you crazy you you give her the power to drive you crazy.