Sudden move across country...

[hatewelfare]

I'm not sure really were to post this but here is the skinny...

As some of you know a few years ago I won custody of my son, he is 13 in April. X had custody for 10 years. She kept screwing witth my visitation and decided to move from MN to Iowa with her mom. I fought that move and lost. The judge warned her though any more interferance would be grounds to reverse custody. 1 year later she screws up big time and acusses me of 'touching' him, I win that one and it goes to court, along with the past history of everything, I win custody. Visitation: every other weekend, Holidays split on even and odd years. and she gets summer visitation.

Now fast forward to this weekend...She tells me (in front of our son) that she is getting married and moving to New Mexico!? She wants him for the summer and is going to fly him back at the end of her time.

This is the first I her of it and apperently the first our son hears of it. I am at a loss...should I be celebrating or what? I wanted custody becaused I believed we both should have shared time with him...and I did that, I gave report cars, updates etc etc.

Now she is going to give all that up to move across country with someone that apparently niether my son or me have meet, have him there all summer and I'm suppose to be OK with it?

Has anybody delt with this before?

Part of me is worried that she is rushing into this and dragging our son into a potentially bad situation all the way across the country. The more I think about it the more questions come to mind.

Should I allow her summer visitation in New Mexico without even meeting this other guy?

What if she meet him off the internet?

I can't afford a plane ticket. Can I demand to see a copy of the round trip plane ticket before he goes?

Do I even have to allow him to go without more info?

Am I over reacting to be worried or wonder??

Please any advice....

[Jade]

>I'm not sure really were to post this but here is the
>skinny...
>
>As some of you know a few years ago I won custody of my son,
>he is 13 in April. X had custody for 10 years. She kept
>screwing witth my visitation and decided to move from MN to
>Iowa with her mom. I fought that move and lost. The judge
>warned her though any more interferance would be grounds to
>reverse custody. 1 year later she screws up big time and
>acusses me of 'touching' him, I win that one and it goes to
>court, along with the past history of everything, I win
>custody. Visitation: every other weekend, Holidays split on
>even and odd years. and she gets summer visitation.
>
>Now fast forward to this weekend...She tells me (in front of
>our son) that she is getting married and moving to New
>Mexico!? She wants him for the summer and is going to fly him
>back at the end of her time.
>
>This is the first I her of it and apperently the first our son
>hears of it. I am at a loss...should I be celebrating or what?
>I wanted custody becaused I believed we both should have
>shared time with him...and I did that, I gave report cars,
>updates etc etc.
>
>Now she is going to give all that up to move across country
>with someone that apparently niether my son or me have meet,
>have him there all summer and I'm suppose to be OK with it?
>
>Has anybody delt with this before?

I haven't.  But then I wouldn't move that far away from my kids or take my kids that far away from their father.


>
>Part of me is worried that she is rushing into this and
>dragging our son into a potentially bad situation all the way
>across the country. The more I think about it the more
>questions come to mind.
>
>Should I allow her summer visitation in New Mexico without
>even meeting this other guy?
>

It would have been nice if she had done this in a more mature manner, but she didn't.  Even if you don't allow it now, a court will allow it.  From what I have read about long-distance parenting plans, the child(ren) spends most of their summer with the parent who doesn't have residential custody.

>What if she meet him off the internet?
>
>I can't afford a plane ticket. Can I demand to see a copy of
>the round trip plane ticket before he goes?

Since she is the one moving away, she should be the one who bears the brunt of the cost.  

I would definitely get it in the court order that they have to provide proof that they have purchased a non-refundable return ticket before he is allowed to go.

>
>Do I even have to allow him to go without more info?

Personally, I would get the parenting time modified, clearly spelled out and signed off on by a judge before any of this happens.

>
>Am I over reacting to be worried or wonder??

While you aren't going to be able to stop the visits or prevent him from meeting his soon to be stepfather, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to worry about how this will affect your child.  It is rather abrupt and can be difficult for your child to handle.  


>
>Please any advice....
>

Be there for your son.  Don't pry, but make it clear that you are there to listen to him whenever he wants to talk to you about what is going on.  

[Mamacass]

I think you should ask to meet the soon to be stepdad.  She told you she is planning on moving, which means she isn't gone yet so hopefully the guy is still in the area too.  If she is looking to remarry and move, you can't stop her but you have every right to meet the person she is marrying so that you can feel more comfortable with the whole thing.  If you are worried that he is an unsavory charactor, look him up in the courts systems online.  Speeding tickets, and all other charges are public record and easy to look up.  

Obviously, she won't be able to keep up with the eow visitation, but the rest of the schedule seems about right from what I've heard of long distance visitation.  You cn always ask to adjust it through the courts, but not a big deal.  

You sound really worried that she'll keep him in New Mexico.  I don't know that there is any way to alleviate that fear.  Seeing a return ticket doesn't prove that she will put him on the plane.  But since you have custody, if she were to try to pull something like that, the courts are on your side.  I'm not sure if there's anything you can really do to prepare for a situation like that, so my advice would be don't worry about it unless it happens.  (Which I fully understand is easier said than done.)

[notnew]

I posted a response to you on Soc's board. Just letting you know since you've got it posted on two separate forums.

[mistoffolees]

>I think you should ask to meet the soon to be stepdad.  She
>told you she is planning on moving, which means she isn't gone
>yet so hopefully the guy is still in the area too.  If she is
>looking to remarry and move, you can't stop her but you have
>every right to meet the person she is marrying so that you can
>feel more comfortable with the whole thing.  If you are

Sorry, but I have to disagree.

While it would be nice if the people could meet, the CP has absolutely no legal right to meet the ex's future spouse. Divorce means that the ex can marry anyone she wants. And the BM is the one with visitation, not the future spouse. Her visitation rights do not depend on her marital status.

>worried that he is an unsavory charactor, look him up in the
>courts systems online.  Speeding tickets, and all other
>charges are public record and easy to look up.  

Yes, I would do this. If you can prove that the new spouse is a problem, you've got a case. But you can't assume that this person is a problem and interfere with the BM's rights.

>
>Obviously, she won't be able to keep up with the eow
>visitation, but the rest of the schedule seems about right
>from what I've heard of long distance visitation.  You cn
>always ask to adjust it through the courts, but not a big
>deal.  

This is where I'd start. Pull out the divorce agreement and make sure that you're following it to the letter. If it says 'every other weekend', let her know that you're still going by the agreement - even if it's hard for her to use.

Whether she suggests it or you do, there's going to have to be some change in the agreement. You're in the stronger position here since she can't use the current agreement very well and she can't unilaterally change it. I would not agree to ANY changes until you've negotiated the entire agreement and gotten the court to approve it. If she asks to take the child to NM for the summer, I'd say 'not until we have a court-approved agreement' (but you can only do this if your current agreement doesn't allow her to do it). Stick to a rigid reading of the current agreement and insist on following it until you've negotiated a new one.

Personally, I don't think I'd go for all summer in NM. He's getting to the point where he probably has lawn mowing jobs (which start in the spring and end in the fall), sports, and perhaps other jobs. I'd shoot for perhaps a month in the summer if you can get her to agree. You'd probably also have to give up spring break and at least some holidays. Being away from friends and family for the whole summer is a problem for a 13 year old.

[Mamacass]

I agree that the BM's marital status doesn't change her visitation, and I agree that she has the right to marry anyone she wants.  However, the BF should be able to meet the guy if he is in the area.  When DH and I got serious, I fully expected my SS' mom to ask to meet me.  She actually waited much longer than I would have, but she did decide that she wanted to meet me eventually.  
Maybe there isn't some legal right, but they should be able to work it out.  He has the right to ask.  Also, if he wanted to push it, he could ask to go to mediation to rework the visitation schedule, and then he can always ask to have the stepdad come to mediation so they can meet.  
I'm not suggesting that he assume the stepdad is a problem person, just that if he is concerned about who is going to be around his child, to his own background check by running a search on the courts website.  Hopefully he doesn't find anything, but it can make you feel better to know your childs stepdad isn't some loser who can't stay out of trouble.  

[hatewelfare]

Thanks for all the advice!  But I now found out the guy she is marrying. It throws a wrench into everything now...Back a few years she dated and moved in with a guy for a few years(when she had custody).

She then was going to suddenly move out of state, I then filed a motion restraining order to stop the move and get a court date. She in response moved into a woman's shelter and played the game that her boyfriend was the problem she moved out and they couldn't get along. (in court she described a incident that he spanked my son for something minor)

Well I lost that case and she moved to Iowa because she couldn't stay in the woman's shelter and couldn't move back with her boyfriend so she had to move to Iowa with her parents.

Following so far?....A year later she pulls the fast one and accuses me and eventually I win and get custody after 6 months of court.

Now for the kicker...she is moving in and marrying the same guy!? She told me she made a mistake then and if she knew what she did now then she would have stayed and gotten married along time ago.

Whether or not this guy was "abusive" or not never was really dug into while in court. I got him on the stand but there really wasn't much testimony as he became a 'non-issue' as he was out of the picture and the main reason was stopping the move to Iowa.

She has expressed that she is getting married down there an wants our son to be in the wedding.

Whether or not this guy is abusive or not I'm not sure...I think my ex just has a big time mental problem. lol

The GAL thought this too and ordered us to take that long mental test (forget the name but its big bucks!) She refused and I took it and passed.

Now I know it sounds silly, but I firmly believe that my son needs to see both parents. That's why I fought for custody in the first place. I would like to not have any fears about this an stay out of court...but she is asking allot of me.

What if things go bad down there? What if she 'over reacts' again? This woman is like a snake...I knew something was coming this summer.

I told her if she gets the judges blessing she will have mine...but until then I am having problems with this.

I'm afraid if we go to court now that I could really slam her hard by getting back together with this guy and wanting our son there across the country with them, with so many unknowns and past history that the judge may order no contact with her. Which would make my son bitter towards me.

I don't think she is really 'bad' for him...but she isn't really good mental wise for him either. She is damn good at making my life hard and I always feel like my son 'reports' back to her.

The move would be a good think as far as taking her control away...which is why I wonder why she has 'given up' or if this is just part of a bigger plan of hers???

Sometimes I think I may go nuts.

Should I allow the summer visitation?

Should I hang tough and insist the judge make a ruling on the visitation?

On a move away like this is it common that the parent with custody still split the cost of visitation (plane tickets)?

How would the Judge look at me just signing a mod. for visitation only to find out it was with this same guy?

[mistoffolees]

I am basing this on the belief that you believe that your ex and her fiance are really a risk for your son.

In that case, I would not probably not change anything at this point. However, as soon as she asks for more visitation than your agreement allows for, I would deny it.

She'll have to go to court for a change in visitation. You would then cite the MMPI2 test (presumably the one she refused to take) and the history and say that you are opposed to unsupervised visitation. I would argue that you will be as flexible as you can due to their new situation, but that you can not allow her (or, particularly, her new husband) access to your son for a long period of time.

If she takes him under her normal visitation schedule and you see any new incidents that concern you, then YOU should be the one to file for a change in visitiation - asking for supervised visitation only.