Support Groups

[melliebean76]

First a bit of background. I'm new to this group. I hope I can hopefully find the resources I'm looking for.

My son is 2-1/2. For the past 20 months, my ex-husband and I have been fighting through our divorce and custody battle. My son has always been with me as I was granted temporary primary custody in April of 2006.

I followed everything as my attorney directed during the 18-months prior to trial. I allowed extra time if he requested it, we didn't fight, when I was required to travel for work, I always asked him to care for our son prior to seeking outside help. I worked, he didn't. He paid the minimum state support in Nebraska and half of daycare expenses. I cared for our son ultimately.

In June, we went to trial. We presented well. I felt even better after trial that I would still be the primary parent. The judge told us he was planning a family vacation 7 days later and the ruling would be issued after his return. It came in early. I lost. My ex-husband was "awarded" full primary and physical custody with visitation to me six days a month.

I'm struggling with this. I'm emotional, I'm working on pulling together money for an appeal that is believed a strong chance and as much as friends and family are there for me, I'm looking for others in my situation to talk to and network with.

Does anybody know of a support group for non-custodial parents? Fathers, mothers - it doesn't matter to me. I live in Omaha. I can't find anything.

Just looking for someone to talk to.

Thanks -
Melanie

[Kitty C.]

One thing everyone can say here is that there are 2 sides to every story.  Be that as it may, you contradicted yourself right out of the gate first with 'For the past 20 months, my ex-husband and I have been fighting through our divorce and custody battle.', then in the next paragraph you state 'I allowed extra time if he requested it, we didn't fight, when I was required to travel for work, I always asked him to care for our son prior to seeking outside help.'  Well, which is it?

Another thing many will tell you here is, if you've had temp. custody for the past 12+ months, there would have to be some pretty extenuating circumstances for a judge to overturn that.  Because the 'general' rule of thumb is he/she who gets temp. usually keeps perm.  My feeling is that there is much more to this story than what you've already mentioned.....

[Sunshine1]

I am sure if you had been awarded physical custody, you wouldn't bat an eye at Dad only getting 6 days a month would you?  My guess is that you would not be that upset, and that is the harsh reality.

I am ecstatic for your ex that he was able to overturn the "norm" of the mother retaining custody.

You could always try and work out a plan between yourselves that allows you more time, because more times than not ( not always) fathers are more willing to work with the mothers over visitation than the mothers are.

I agree with Kitty, this doesn't sound right so maybe some more background information would be better so we can get a handle on the whole picture.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, losing time with your child is hard to swallow for both parents.

[mistoffolees]

>One thing everyone can say here is that there are 2 sides to
>every story.  Be that as it may, you contradicted yourself
>right out of the gate first with 'For the past 20 months, my
>ex-husband and I have been fighting through our divorce and
>custody battle.', then in the next paragraph you state 'I
>allowed extra time if he requested it, we didn't fight, when I
>was required to travel for work, I always asked him to care
>for our son prior to seeking outside help.'  Well, which is
>it?
>
>Another thing many will tell you here is, if you've had temp.
>custody for the past 12+ months, there would have to be some
>pretty extenuating circumstances for a judge to overturn that.
> Because the 'general' rule of thumb is he/she who gets temp.
>usually keeps perm.  My feeling is that there is much more to
>this story than what you've already mentioned.....

I agree completely. Something is undoubtedly missing.

However, to answer the question, there are lots of references on other parts of this site (go to the home page of deltabravo.net and look for the articles, for example). I'm not sure, but I believe there are links to support groups somewhere on the main page.

Good luck.

[melliebean76]

There is a book I could write about the entire case, but my post was regarding the need to find others to network with, to discuss issues and concerns and attempt to grieve the loss that I feel.

I too would be happy for anybody out there that was granted custody, whether its the father, the mother or the support services of the state - its all dependent on each circumstance and whomever the children are to live with IF it IS truly best for the child.

This is my biggest fear. People stereo-typing me. People are surprised when they hear this, I'm a professional 31 y/o female who has done nothing but provide for her child and let the good 'ol boy network screw me.

I refer to it as a fight, because it has been nasty in court. We didn't fight in front of our child. We actually worked well when it came to our son. Behind the doors of our attorneys and in a courtroom though - it was ugly.

I left because of my unwillingness to put my child in an abusive situation. My husband is Bipolar. He quit taking medication, quit sleeping, and was down-right irrational for six months after our child was born. His parents have money and pay for whatever it is he needs. My first warning sign was he lived at home until he was 37 and came to live with me.

Anyhow, I volunteered to take drug tests randomly over a six-month period. The longest between being requested for a new test to the time I actually went and did it was 75 minutes. After eight urinary tests showing negative, they asked me to submit to a hair folicle test that goes back 90-days. I complied. Again negative results.

I hadn't touched a drug in many years but because in the "courtship" of our marriage, I told my husband that I had smoked pot before, that I enjoyed smoking pot. Period. Nothing more, and haven't touched a thing in at least five years, we married due to pregnancy only months after meeting. It became a he-said/she-said in court and he claims to have witnessed such behavior.

I've been diagnosed with Adult ADD. I take medication, and I continue to see a psychiatrist as recommended for maintaining my treatment. It was brought into court, along with his non-medicated bipolar diagnosis and lack of treatment. My diagnosis effects my job, not my ability to function. One thing that stabbed me in the back was I quit going to therapy-which I started attending prior to leaving my husband in an attempt to understand him more, work on us more, etc. I quit not because I wanted to, but because I was supporting my child on my income alone. I needed to feed and clothe him.

My ex-husband on the other hand, hasn't taken medication in almost two years, and quit seeing his doctors altogether. But I'm accepting and learning to deal with my fear of his irrational behavior.

I have worked since moving to this area for the same company now for 3-1/2 years. I have worked myself up into management and am required to travel for work from 2-4 days five times a year and one trip requires 7 days. I know all of these dates at least 4-5 months in advance.

My ex-husband on the other hand when we went to court to determine temporary custody after he pulled an ex-parte order regarding the safety of our son and got caught in a tremendous amount of lies where he claimed he had custody and I didn't return my son to him after a weekend, when I proved with daycare affidavits and receipts that I was the ONLY one picking up, dropping off and paying for daycare for the previous three months - well after the temp hearing when I was granted full custody, and he was ordered to pay child support, three days later he quit his job. That was May of 2006. He just obtained employment in March of 2007.

We live 45-minutes apart, but, because I had to travel for work, because with each time I had a trip, I called him, or his parents if I couldn't reach him and asked if he/they could care for our son in my absence. I asked him to work with me on weekends that were mine when I traveled and we always made it work so we both had quality time with our child.

I wasn't willing to move back to the good 'ol boy town and return to my 1.5 hours of commuting a day so we could live in the same town and have shared custody. Especially not until I knew he would take action to medicate himself properly.

At trial, doctor's notes showed that his family tried to check him into a mental hospital on over three occasions. My ex admitted to being fearful of what his parents would think or say if he tried to reconcile with me in the beginning as they never liked me.

He couldn't and still hasn't found a job that makes more than $8 an hour, his hours are all over the board including evenings, weekends and days, seven days a week. There is no structure. My son is with his grandparents, with daycare, with his aunts and uncles and "lives" with his father in a one-bedroom apartment.

I was docked in court for not having my family close by. There are over two hours away. I depend on nobody but me and my tight circle of supportive friends. I've never HAD to get a sitter outside of my standard Monday-Friday, 8-5 work hours. In fact, I never did get a sitter. If invitations came on weekends I had my son, I passed. I valued the time I was able to spend with him. I was docked for this. For being to disciplined and structured. Explain that one to me.

I've maintained residence in a two-bedroom apartment, followed the temporary court order (excluding my work travel, but those were always communicated) and provided for my son.

Oh lets see. His parents are long time citizens of the small town in which we lived, in which the case was heard. Since he has obtained custody and began putting my son in a different daycare, I've come to realize that the daycare provider has the same name of the family of police officers that run the town.

So, yes, there are two sides to every story- this I am very aware of. I hope my story gives hope out there to the people who weren't granted temporary custody - there is hope for you. I was told the same thing that the judge's decision rarely changes once temporary is granted. If I had been granted permanent full custody, I would have been happy. I would have continued doing what I'm doing and working with my ex-husband to make the best of the situation so that we can both spend time with our child.

My son is very lucky. There are so many children out there who aren't wanted and cared for by either parent. There are many people who don't pay their child support and provide for the betterment of their children's lives.

I'm hurting. I'm angry. I'm paying almost half of my monthly income to help support him, continuing to carry his insurance and pay half of his daycare expenses. I packed up the majority of his clothes and gave them to his dad so he didn't have to buy more. I gave him many of the things my son would use on a day-to-day basis rather than on every other weekend.

I love my son, but I'm not done fighting for him. He has two parents who adore him and all I did by posting on here is look for others in a similar situation who would understand the grief, the lonliness and the heartache of not seeing your children.

If I learned anything in the past six weeks its that stero-typing those you hear who "lost" custody isn't a fair judgement to make. But again, life isn't always fair is it?

[mistoffolees]

I'm sorry if you felt that I was saying that you were unfit or something. That wasn't my intent - I was merely saying that there were obviously a lot more facts that impacted the situation - and you've confrimed that.

As for your original question, check the main page on deltabravo.net. I'm pretty sure there are links to support groups there as well as quite a few articles that might help.

Good luck.