PAS and parenting issues

[mango]

We shae joint custody of my 10 year old SD. She loves to be in our home, as she also has two (half) siblings that she loves to play with. Her mother has been in and out of her life, and we have always been there. But for some reason the courts gave the mother once last chance to be stable, and gave her the school district too.

The mother has been programming the child and teh relationships are growing apart as the she gets older. The mothers programming has been working in her favor. The child had her name changed last year to carry the mothers (hypenated) instead of just the fathers name. Now she is trying to reduce our parenting time by filling or time with activities on our parenting time. It's obvious to everyone but teh courts.

We tend to walk on eggshells when it comes to parenting, because we know she will go home with complaints, and it further convinces her mom she is "so misearble" in our home.

My question is how do you parent properly when you fear the outcome or that she will go the easy route and leave us?

[nontrad mom]

How was your SD able to legally change her last name?  I thought you couldn't do that until you were 18?
  My SD is only 6 years old but she also exhibts symptoms of PAS.  It's difficult to be the one to discipline but I believe that as long as the relationship with the child is well balanced between discipline and fun times the child will also remeber the fun times as well as the ones that are not.
Pictures help a lot.  Get a cheesy camera and take pictures all the time.  This way the child's memory of good times are reinforced by tangible evidence.
Books at the library can help a lot too.  Especially books about divorced parents, movies can even help.  A good one I would recommend is "Secondhand Lions" or "Whale Rider"  it help because it reminds children that they are not alone in the world that do not have the "traditional" two parent home.
Things for court is to keep a record of all parenting time that has been decreased or deleted.  
Sometimes these situations are mostly dependent upon faith.  You know you are parenting properly- and hopefully with time you can teach her to make the right decisions in life.
Good luck

[Kitty C.]

As for the name change, unless your DH gave written approval for it, it is NOT legal.  Check with the school to see what they have listed, because they are required by law to have the child's LEGAL name on all official paperwork, especially in the child's personal file.  If they don't take your CO and her birth certificate in with you and demand that they correct it.  They do NOT have to ask the mother permission, either.  It's the law, not her say-so.

And if the mother changed it 'legally' by giving false information, you can get it overturned.  If the child wants to change her name legally and BOTH parents do not agree to it, she will have to wait until she's 18 and an adult.  And this is federal.

[mango]

She took us to court over the name change, and the courts granted it. My DH tried to prevent it but the courts say that the name historically is carried by teh father since teh father finacially supports the family, but since the child is supported by both homes and parents the child is entitled to carryt the heritage of both names, therefore he granted the name change. She is only ten years old, and now carries a hypenated name.

I have seen on her homework assignments smiley facees in the O' of her mothers name and mad angry faces in the O's of the fathers name. Yet when she is in our homee she acts like she loves us, and skips and hopes and seems genuinly happy as can be.

But it seems as a show for her mom she reflects a different story when over there. I just fear that she will eventually not want to be with us, becaue of her motehrs constant disapproval of her time with us.

Her mother is clever, and has many ways to interfer in our parenting time. For instance last night on our 3 hour Wednesday night visit, she sent her over with homework. We have a (3hr) 5-8 visit, and 35-40 each way drive between the homes. So it is two hours, one hour is spent eating (we have a family of 5). and then she wants to play with her brother and sister and visit some.

We told her she should be geting her HW done right after school, but her mom keeps her busy so she doesnt have time.

Now, if we ignore the HW, we look as if we don't care about her school. If we cater to the HW then there is no visit to speak of, which is what the mother wants.

I wonder if it a motive of the mother to say the visits are intrusive to her studies, or something.

It never ends....

[junglechicken]

Hi mango
I'm a lurker on these boards, don't post much (ok, at all) but I wanted to suggest something that might combat the mother's tactics re the kid's time with you and homework:

This could actually work in your favour.  How feasible is it for you to have the kiddo overnight?  My sds are with us approx. 40% of the time, all overnights.  On school mornings, dh drops them off at school on his way to work.  We're 20mins away, as opposed to 40, but is this possible?  if it is, see if you can get it changed, formally or informally, citing a wish to be involved with school as the reason.  :)  If bm is trying to use school to screw things up, perhaps you and your dh could use it to your advantage.  Now, instead of it being intrusive to go to dad's, it's beneficial.  What do you think?

[mango]

It would have to be through the courts, right now the mother already dislikes the fact tat we get 3 hours, andy extra would put her over the edge.

But it would solve the problem, and ease the hecticness of the drive.  FOr teh SD it's 30 mins each way for the DH its' double that, drive to pick up and retun home, its' 2 total hours of his night. It almost is not worth having the visit at all, but we keep doing it just to keep contact on that off period.

[glross]

>It almost is not worth having the visit at
>all, but we keep doing it just to keep contact on that off
>period.


PLEASE keep up with this thought process!  :)  I have the same problem.  I'm NCP BM living 45 miles away and I've done the drive every Wednesday for 5 years(since the divorce).  My visitation time is from 6-8!  I drive 2 hours for a 2 hour visit.  Luckily my mother lives close to them so we go there for dinner and time together.  This doubles as time with their grandmother. My ex and his wife have made it miserable for me in the hopes that I will stop doing it altogether.  I refuse to give them that satisfaction and the kids see how hard I work to see them and how important I think the time is with them.  It will mean a lot to them.  They will never forget the effort you put into it and neither will you.

[kiddosmom]

Luckily my sd is so young she cannot be PAS'ed. when the bm had custody- my dh called once and heard in the background the bm and her flavor of the month saying to the baby 'who is that? you dont know who that is do you?" Now that dh has custody the bm doesn't even bother calling to speak to sd, and try to get cs from her? HA, not going to happen. hopefully the AG will change her mind.

[mango]

I think my SD does see that my DH does work hard to ensure his visits. He never complains either. We do enjoy the few hours we get, but it just sucks that the mother can't accept us as important in her life, that she constantly tries to find some way to disrupt. Whether it is an activity, homework, or who knows what is next.

But I guess we shouldnt complain, there are some folks on here that make a farther trek, and less time. Thanks for the input.

[mandi]

I know how it is!!!  We have s simuliar situation and it is my opinion that these kinda of mothers need to put their jealousy aside and let the fathers of their childern do their jobs.  
*~Mandi~*