Joint Custody of 11 month old son in Chester County PA

[Lovingdad]

I am a very proud, and loving, 33 year old father of adorable 11 month old son.  For various reasons, my wife and I are getting divoriced.  In case its relevant, I am the one that filed.  I don't want to go into reasons and will say that regardless of the 'irreconcilable differences' (I never thought I'd use that term in my life) between my wife and I, I believe that wife loves our son as much as I do and is a good mother.

Big problem is, I want Joint Physical Custody, while my wife wants Sole Physical Custody and for me to be an 'everyother weekend' dad.  I don't know if wife is just looking to maximize child support, or genuinly believes its best for the child to see his dad only two days out of every 14.  I genuinly believe that a child needs both biological parents in his/her life (provided they are both good parents).

My wife is self-employed part-time at best... really hasn't worked during our relationship, much to my dismay (I have always wanted her get some sort of job, to lessen burden on me).  Wife was living off alimony (from her 1st, 8+ yr, marriage) when I met her.  During 18 month marriage, I have been great provider for her... loyal, expensive house, new 2004 mini-van, etc., etc.  

Wife is constantly threatening that I will only see son everyother weekend, like my stepdaughter's dad.  Since we will most likely end up in custody hearings in near future, I have convinced myself that I need to quit, or take an hiatus from, my job for the next few months to establish a record of being the primary caregiver to son.  This seems unresponcible on one hand, but seems to be what I need to do for court purposes.

Sorry for long message, any information/suggestions/tips would be helpful and appreciated.

[darkspectre]

You know what, I hate to be negative since I know you're looking for someone to give you something positive you can cling to, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and just tell you that "you're screwed."

You're going to be an "every-other-weekend, one night a week" dad whether you like it or not.

With that said, let's cover some of things in your post:

"I believe that wife loves our son as much as I do and is a good mother."

- That's great, and I'm sure she honestly believes the same where you're concerned. However, on the day you walk into the courtroom she's going to make you out to be the biggest piece of sh*t walking the face of the earth.

"I want Joint Physical Custody, while my wife wants Sole Physical Custody and for me to be an 'everyother weekend' dad."

- Well of course she does. Do you think she's actually going to play fair? She wants your baby and she wants your money and she wants every physical possession you two ever accumulated while you were married. (and probably some you brought into it.) And when she has all that - she's going to want your soul. And guess what? The judge is going to hand it to her on a silver platter.

"I don't know if wife is just looking to maximize child support, or genuinly believes its best for the child to see his dad only two days out of every 14."

- All the above - believe it!

"I genuinly believe that a child needs both biological parents in his/her life (provided they are both good parents)."

- I feel ya, brother. Too bad the courts don't agree with you.

"(I have always wanted her get some sort of job, to lessen burden on me). Wife was living off alimony (from her 1st, 8+ yr, marriage) when I met her."

- Imagine that; a woman living off of alimony. I hate to break this to you but she isn't interested in working. Exorbitant, court-ordered spousal and child support serves only to leave fathers destitute and make women lazy as hell. There's absolutely zero incentive for her to go earn money because if she does, then that will be calculated against what you have to pay her. Do the simple math.

"During 18 month marriage, I have been great provider for her... loyal, expensive house, new 2004 mini-van, etc., etc."

- Your dedication and loyalty are to be commended. She'll be parking the 2004 mini-van in the garage of your expensive house, and you'll be driving a Yugo w/ 150,000 miles on it and parking it on the street in front of the sh*thole you'll most likely be living in.

"Wife is constantly threatening that I will only see son everyother weekend, like my stepdaughter's dad."

- You know how when a whale gives birth to a pup and it comes out and just starts swimming like it's been there forever? Well, that's very similar to women and family court. They don't even have to have ever stepped foot inside a courtroom before. They just instinctively know that they are going to hand you your ass once they walk in.

You're never going to see these kids again!
I'll take everything you own including your retirement!
I'll file a restraining order against you (PFA in PA) and you won't be able to come near me or the kids!

Have you ever heard a woman say anything in her life with more conviction than how they deliver these threats? No, you haven't, because they instinctively know that their octagon is the family courts and they are almost always the one who walks out alive.

"Since we will most likely end up in custody hearings in near future, I have convinced myself that I need to quit, or take an hiatus from, my job for the next few months to establish a record of being the primary caregiver to son."

- Quitting your job now isn't going to do you any good, and it's doubtful it would have ever done you any good. The best thing you can do right now is to stay put in the home if you haven't already moved out.

Regardless of how uncomfortable it is, don't move out! She will cite abandonment on your part and the idiot judge will run with it. Besides that, if you're living somewhere else and paying rent, PA has something called a mortgage supplement that they tack on to support so, you'll paying her spousal/child support plus you'll be paying the mortgage, on top of your own living expenses.

So now that I've probably completely depressed you, I do have a suggestion for you. You need to immediately go on the offensive and file for full custody of your baby. Don't wait until she files and then respond - you need to initiate it. It is possible that you might catch the right judge on the right day and maybe get 50%-50% custody, but you never will if you play the game the same way most other men play it, which is reactively instead of proactively.

Hire a "good" attorney!!!!! If you want to PM me I would be happy to point you in the right direction. I can't emphasize this enough.

If you do stay in the house and she gets the least bit out of control, like throwing something at you or actually hitting you, immediately file a PFA against her and get it on the record so you can use it against her at the custody hearing. I know this sounds like a chicken-sh*t thing to do but trust me, if her own attorney hasn't already, he/she will definitely tell her to do the same thing, and if she wins on it - you're screwed! It's all part of the cycle her and her attorney will painfully walk you through if you don't stay on the offensive.

1) She'll start calling the police on you. (Don't ever touch her) Of course, you shouldn't anyway.

2) She'll file a PFA

3) She'll file for exclusive possession of the house, probably in conjunction with #2.

4) And if none of that works, she may accuse you of physically/sexually abusing your baby. I sure hope not, though, because you are in a world of hurt if she does.

Last thing - if you have a decent amount of cash in the bank I would take at least half of it (if not a little more) and move it to another account that she can't touch. It won't be reconciled until you go through equitable distribution and by then who even remembers, right? Besides, you stand a good chance of paying most of her bills anyway so you may as well keep some cash to the side so you can live for awhile.

Conclusion: I know I probably sound like a know-it-all so I'm going to tell you why I know what I'm talking where you're particular case is concerned.

I'm not going into any details on this site but let it suffice to say that I have been going through a three year custody battle for my two small children in a PA county very close to Chester. To say that I hope you don't have to go through even a tenth of what I've been through would be the ultimate understatement.

To show what a forward thinking state they fancy themselves, the Commonwealth of PA put in writing their modernized philosophy regarding the role of men and their importance in the rearing of children. Believe me, it sounds great when you read it and it gives you hope that maybe, just maybe, you'll get a fair shake when you walk in that courtroom.

However, I'm here to tell you that it's just a bunch of mealy-mouthed lip service. You're going to be treated like a second-class citizen. The fact that you worked full-time is going to be held against you insofar as your participation in your son's life to this point. And every filthy lie your wife spews in that courtroom will be taken as gospel. Conversely, most of what you say will be disregarded or interpreted as a lie.

Go on the offensive, get a great attorney, do nothing wrong, fight, fight, fight for your right to be an equal participant in your son's life, and best of luck to you.

Let me know if you want to hook up via the phone.

[wendl]

Dark as covered many things in his post and good ones at that.

I will share a few:

1) joint legal custody isn't worth the paper its written on, many custodial parents to not make joint decisions with the other parent they just do it.

2) if you have a 401k be sure she will get 1/2 of the vested amount  (I'll sent you and email regarding this as I can't post due to certain people stalking me)

3) if you haven' tmoved out yet DON'T, put any legal paperwork, tax returns etc into a safe place, along with some extra clothings and personal needs as if your ex gets it ordered that you move you, many times you will not have time to gather these things.

4) if you have joint accounts freeze them so she can't empty them.

5) document document document, (many of us will tell you this until you are blue in the face)

6) If you have any skeletons in your closet, be sure they will come out in court

7) don't be suprised if your ex gets a restraining order on you.

8) if you pay her child support prior to court ordered cs, make sure its by check and write CHILD SUPPORT in the memo section, otherwise they can consider it a gift.

9) ask for the sky and settle for the middle

10) find yourself a good board certifed family law attorney, go watch this person in trials to see how they work. Ask how many custody cases they have won for the father.

11) research and educate yourself on your states laws

12) read everything you can on this site

13) expect the worse and pay for something better.

[joni]

it may sound dramatic but don't be naive, do EXACTLY everything the people above you have advised.  it may be against everything in your nature to act like a pr*ck...but you're going to have to.  Any hesitation on your part will be your demise.  And don't move out of your house.  

Your wife already knows how to play the system.  Replay the last 18 months and see what she got from her first husband, see how she's treated her first husband while she's been with you....you're next.

File first and the first crucial mistake that you may make is agreeing to anything at the ex parte hearing.  Usually whatever is decided at the temporary hearing sticks at the final.  Especially if your soon to be Ex is awarded "temporary" sole custody....there is no animal.  Temporary is also known as final.

Finally, get an attorney who believes in you and wants to kick the system in the a$$.  My husband got screwed by his first attorney who I think, believed his ex wife's allegations.  This attorney also fell victim to the family courts bias against men motto...."You're going to lose anyway so why just not give it to her".

[Brent]

Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is crucial. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.

[gas]

Loving Dad,

All of the above posts are correct-most importantly you must realize this is going to be a WAR- your ex is only out to take care of one person-and it's not you or your son.  You need to get fight fire with fire-not sugar.  Not matter what your feelings for this woman have been understand she is now your enemy of the worst kind.  Do NOT ever assume you will be honest, willing to negotiate or cares the least about you.  Now with that out of the way, let me share with you some positives about how to win the WAR.

I was in your position 4 years ago except my son(s) at he time were 6 mo. and 2 yrs.  Much more important than getting a good atty is what YOU do- this will have much more influence on the court than anything an atty can do).  The question is what are YOU willing to do  (i.e. sacrifice) to insure max time with your son?

Here is what I did after doing a ton of research and observing how a friend of mine got signficantly more time with his 3 mo. son than the "average" custody ruling-  I ended up with 30% which with an important right of first refusal that gets it close to 35+ and sets the stage for increased timeshare in next round of court.  Keep in mind these are critical factors that tend to "skew" the court towards TRYING to max time with Daddy..."  Even if you can't implement all of these now, START with the goal of checking off as many off the ASAP.

1.  Make sure you live within a 5 min. walk of your ex.  Best case is on the same street.

2.  Get a job that has you working out of your house and give you flexibility to work around having your son during the day.  In my case this required a 50% pay cut and trading home ownership for apartment living.  It also has required to do a lot of work betw 10 p.m. and 4 a.m. to enjoy the evenings/afternoons with the boys.  Again, I ask you, what are YOU willing to do to ensure your future with your son?  Attorneys judges, and ex-wives have nothing to do with these kinds of sacrifices, only you have the control.  This sets you up for a first right of refusal option which says if Mommy is working, you get little boy first ahead of EVERYBODY including her family and any daycare.  This time is significant for you to bond with little boy but just as importantly "rack up the hours" to set the stage for increase visitation as little boy gets older.

3.  After the divorce, avoid confrontation with your ex at almost any cost.  The single most important factor in getting significant physical custody is ability of parents to get along.  That means biting your tongue a lot but it gets easier as you realize your incredible reward reward will be more time with little boy.

4.  Develop a strong support network-not so much for your own morale but to demonstrate your "connections" with other parents of young children, your involvement in school (volunteer, attend every parent/ teacher mtg.)  On afternoons, make plans to get little boy around other little boys with their parents (doesn't have to be other Daddys, Mommys LOVE to see really active Dads that are taking "off" during the day to be with their kids). These connections (read references) will be huge in your ongoing WAR.

5.  NEVER miss a doctor appt.  Don't rely on your sweet ex to communicate schedules on these appts., pre-school or anything else.  YOU make the effort to find out directly EVERYTHING going on in your little boys' life

6.  Start the time-tracker now.  Log it religiously.  Expand on the terrific things you are doing with your son is all aspects of his life.  Note when Mommy misses out on important events such as doc appts., whatever but YOU were there.

7.  Get referals from people in your area on attys but only on those that have been thru SIMILAR circustances.  A supposedly GREAT atty that helped your buddy get more time with his 9 yr. old son is not relevant to your case.

8.  Unless you can prove MOmmy has serious problems (abuse, neglect, etc.)...which doesn't sound like the case, do NOT ask for full custody.  Judges will see right thru it, realize you are trying the win the "nego game" and it will backfire on you big time.  Nothing pisses off a court more than somebody more interesting in "winning" than doing what's best for the children.  If there are two capable, devoted parents, courts want to hear parents' wishes to be max time for BOTH parents.

9.  Regarless of the outcome of "round 1", remember it is only round one and you have (as I have had) the ADVANTAGE of very young kids.  This opens up future opportunities for increased timeshare as they get older.

There's my two cents, I wish you the best, there is nothing quite like a father and a son.......................