Right of first refusal long distance

[pickupsticks]

Hi Soc   HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Overview: I have joint legal and physical custody of child. Mom has primary physical. She moved  500 miles away. I am taking her back to change visitation and travel expenses etc. I have been making the drive to see my child one weekend a month and staying in a hotel. She refuses to pay and does NOT think it is a good idea to be visiting on weekends as our current court order states that I see our daughter the first and third weekend of every month and that I am responsible to pick up our child and drop her off.

Court Order states: In the event either parent must leave the CHILD with a third party for more than four hours, then before leaving the child that parent must make a good faith effort to contact the other parent as far in advance as possible and offer the other parent the opportunity to care for the CHILD during that time period.
The father shall have Custoday not less than one eveing per week for not less than four hours. If the parents cannot agree on a specific night, then the FATHER shall be entitled to physical custody every Wednesday evening from 5pm until the following morning at school or daycare. The mother is encouraged to allow the FATHER to have liberal and reasonable time to spend with the CHILD at any time that is mutually agreeable.

Circumstance: I have custoday for the holidays from Dec. 26-Jan 2 because she made plans to fly to see her sister during her court ordered Holiday visit which I  am going to bring up in court. (I lost Christmas day this holiday which was court ordered as mine) I requested to deliver our daughter back to her on January 4 2005 because our daughter is out of school until January 5 2005 and Mom has to work Jan 3 and 4.  She is planning to leave her with her sister or her grandma for two days. I told her that really I should be the first to supervise her if she is not able to and she LAUGHED at me and said YOU CAN NOT GO BY THE AGREEMENT BECAUSE WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE SAME COMMUNITY. YOU CAN NOT BE MY BABYSITTER 500 Miles AWAY.

Question: Is there an interference problem or contempt problem in that she is denying me the two extra days with my daughter?

#2 She claims there is no judge in the WORLD that is going to agree to weekend visitation that far away. Is she correct if I am willing to make the drive? She doesn't want to split those costs but I want to see my daughter once a month. I don't believe that because she moved I should be forced to see her just three times a year.

#3 How do I present the proposition that I do understand that our daughter who is eleven will need to be spending weekends in her school vicinity because she is involved in sports but I would like to see some of her extracurricular activities as well therefore I am willing to drive and stay in a hotel if SHE is willing to help out with some of the cost since she moved to be closer to her married boyfriend ? They are no longer together but she now moved closer to her Mom and Dad.

You are the best SOC. THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping us all out. YOU ARE APPRECIATED.

 

[socrateaser]

>Question: Is there an interference problem or contempt problem
>in that she is denying me the two extra days with my
>daughter?

Yes, if the other parent makes other plans for the child during your time, then that's technically a willful violation of the court order and contempt.

>
>#2 She claims there is no judge in the WORLD that is going to
>agree to weekend visitation that far away. Is she correct if I
>am willing to make the drive? She doesn't want to split those
>costs but I want to see my daughter once a month. I don't
>believe that because she moved I should be forced to see her
>just three times a year.

Did you contest the move at the time it occured? If you did, and the judge allowed the move, and now the mother is depriving you of even more time, then I would expect the judge to slam the mother pretty hard.

If you didn't challenge the move, then the judge will probably wonder why you're complaining now, and the mom will probably get a slap on the wrist.

I'm guessing that you didn't object to the move, because the judge would have ordered transportation costs in your favor at the time it occured. Or, maybe your current hearing is the soonest that you have been able to challenge the move.

I'm missing important info -- I don't know how you got into this mess in the first place, or what your current order says about the other parent moving, so I can't really comment with any certainty on how a judge would rule.


>
>#3 How do I present the proposition that I do understand that
>our daughter who is eleven will need to be spending weekends
>in her school vicinity because she is involved in sports but I
>would like to see some of her extracurricular activities as
>well therefore I am willing to drive and stay in a hotel if
>SHE is willing to help out with some of the cost since she
>moved to be closer to her married boyfriend ? They are no
>longer together but she now moved closer to her Mom and Dad.

Your court orders are based on parents who live close together.

HOW is it that you permitted the mother to move around at will without a challenge?

[pickupsticks]

I didn't think I could contest the move when it first happened because it doesn't state anything about her not being able to move in the court order.I had done research at the library when it happened a year ago and there was not any evidence of the father winning custody or preventing a move so I thought my hands were tied. I was devistated but didn't have the funds to take her back for a case that I didn't have a chance in winning. I learned my lesson. Below are the only things I can see in the court order that have anything to do with moving out of state:
1) Mother agrees to meet Father as close as four hours from her residence should Father relocate from the area at least 3 times a year.
2) Each parent shall at all times keep the other informed of his or her place of residence, his or her place of employment, and his or her home phone number and work phone number. (She did tell me she was moving one month ahead of time)
3) Neither parent nor any other party will remove the child from the state of Georgia without notification to the other parent.
   
I wish I knew then what I know now. Never been in this situation before and I didn't think anything could be done about it nor did I realize that she was going to interfere with custody.

What do you propose I do? Send her a certified letter requesting that I return our daughter two days later? She already said NO verbally and then she laughed at me for thinking that I could be her babysitter 500 miles away. I understand that part but feel that the basis of that court order is to make sure that the mother understands that time with father is more important than time with another relative should she be presented with that decision to make. I'm crazy right?

[socrateaser]

>What do you propose I do?

You write her and state that you will be exercising custody/visitation exactly as it states in the court orders, and that if the child is not transferred to you on the date and time specified, that you will call the police, file a report, and then file a motion for contempt against her.

In the alternative, you will agree to return the child two days later, however, if she wishes to make this agreement, she must provide you with a signed letter stating that she agrees with your alternative.

Then, if she doesn't cooperate on either end, you will either do nothing, and she will win, or you will file for contempt and hold her to the court's orders.

Obviously, you need to modify the parenting plan, but since you permitted the move without a fight, you're at a huge disadvantage now.

Nevertheless, if you want time with your child, you're gonna have to start defending your rights, or you'll just keep on losing. Not that this is necessarily bad -- it's all really up to you. Plenty of Dad's just give up trying, if for no other reason than it's just too much of a pain in the butt. Others fight like hell until the other parent gets the message that Daddy is not going away.

I am not making a value judgment about what should be the preferred option. Like I said, it's all about what you want. Not what I, or anyone else thinks that you "should" want.

[pickupsticks]

Thanks Soc. I plan on fighting for my rights. I will not give up on my daughter.  I know someone my age who's Dad gave up on her and to this day this person still thinks that her father simply didn't love her enough to fight to see her or go the distance to see her.She and her father are not very close to this day.
 I wish it didn't appear to the judge or anyone else that I didn't care about the move back then. I simply didn't know enough to make the proper decisioin. The court order doesn't state that she couldn't move...am I right?

I guess  the extra two days is not really contempt correct? I understand that she is in contempt for  not giving me the correct week of Christmas that is court ordered but the extra two days....that's not really contempt or interference..is it? That part is just me wanting to believe that she SHOULD willingly give her to me based on the fact that I can only see her 23% of the time instead of the court ordered 50% of the time that we agreed upon when she lived here.

Maybe this will encourage the judge to give me a more liberal visitation based on what works for me because I am making the drive and spending the 40 hours round trip to get there and not her. Don't know. I have requested a weekend that didn't fall on my court ordered 1st and third weekend because it was a four day weekend off of school(teacher work days) and I could spend more time with her for my 40 hour investment in driving time and she denied me this because it wasn't my weekend but then she also thinks me driving there for a two day weekend is not a good idea either. She told me that the judge will not agree to weekend visitation with 500 miles distance between us. Should I keep asking for the 4 day weekends that my daughter gets from school or simply stick to the two days until we go back to court. My daughter asked me if I could travel both weekends to see her and I simply told her that I can't do that but I will try to negotiate for longer weekends. Mom refuses me every time. I'm stuck.
 
Do you forsee the judge taking away the weekend trips or saying that if I choose to make the trip then it will be at my cost. I know you don't have a crystal ball Soc but maybe you could give me a heads up on what I should ask for. I AM willing to drive I simply think that she should have to bare some part of the burden of our  long distance custody.

[socrateaser]

>Thanks Soc. I plan on fighting for my rights. I will not give
>up on my daughter.  I know someone my age who's Dad gave up on
>her and to this day this person still thinks that her father
>simply didn't love her enough to fight to see her or go the
>distance to see her.She and her father are not very close to
>this day.
> I wish it didn't appear to the judge or anyone else that I
>didn't care about the move back then. I simply didn't know
>enough to make the proper decisioin. The court order doesn't
>state that she couldn't move...am I right?

No, but by moving she is violating your rights to see the child, which would be contempt, and you could have prevented it, or at least forced her to pay the transportation costs, had you challenged it at the time it occurred. Now, the court will almost certainly avoid that outcome on the basis that you are also in contempt for not exercising your custody rights as per the agreement.

Custody orders are NOT OPTIONAL for either party, unless the orders say otherwise. Thus, her not letting you exercise custody, is no different then you not exercising it -- it's all contempt (i.e., a willful violation of the court's orders). You have the advantage, because you can state that your failure is not willful -- she moved the kids away, and it is now a practical impossibility for you to adhere to the orders.

She, can only state that the move was in the child's best interests, nevertheless, she's in contempt and you could get sanctions, but that would not likely be an order reversing custody, it would be more like forcing her to pay for ALL the transportation costs.

You could file for contempt now, and explain to the court that you didn't realize until now that you had the ability to challenge the other parent's move. And, that's what I would do. Otherwise, the court will just not address that issue.

I don't know what you ask for in your current pleadings, but if all you're asking for is some modification of your visitation time, you're not asking for enough.

>
>I guess  the extra two days is not really contempt correct?

Yes, it is. See above.

>I understand that she is in contempt for  not giving me the
>correct week of Christmas that is court ordered but the extra
>two days....that's not really contempt or interference..is it?

The orders are what they are. You are both continuously in contempt at the moment. The question is, how will the court resolve the issue?

>That part is just me wanting to believe that she SHOULD
>willingly give her to me based on the fact that I can only see
>her 23% of the time instead of the court ordered 50% of the
>time that we agreed upon when she lived here.

You're not gonna like what I'm gonna say, but you really need to get some backbone. Stop thinking about the past and what other people "should" do. You have rights, and you have the present ability to assert those rights. If you don't, then you'll just keep getting stepped on.

>Should I keep asking for the 4 day weekends that my daughter gets >from school or simply stick to
>the two days until we go back to court. My daughter asked me
>if I could travel both weekends to see her and I simply told
>her that I can't do that but I will try to negotiate for
>longer weekends. Mom refuses me every time. I'm stuck.

Stuck? You're not stuck. You have the right to exercise the court orders EXACTLY as written, and every time that the other parent fails to deliver the child you can call the police and file a report, and then sue her for contempt.

If you want to bring her to the bargaining table, then that is what you will do. Otherwise, she's just gonna do what she wants, and you're gonna keep losing more of your time with the child.

>
>Do you forsee the judge taking away the weekend trips or
>saying that if I choose to make the trip then it will be at my
>cost.

I've already said everything that there is to say. Now you have to decide whether you're gonna spend the rest of your child's minority as a dad or a wallet. It's up to you.

Once again, I'm not making a value judgment. There are loads of dads who are quite happy being a wallet. I know quite a few. I also know quite a few who believe the opposite. Like I said -- this is all about you and how you want your life to proceed.