Counseling Dilemna

[dipper]

Soc,

I had written earlier this week about disatisfaction with ss' counselor.  The counselor seems to favor bm, makes excuses for ss not being made to do homework, and even tells ss reasons he should prefer living in  a big town to living with his dad.

My dh wrote a letter explaining facts such as that ss is consistently getting in trouble, not doing any homework, that we have not received any information as to a diagnosis or treatment plan, and he included that bm had been allowed to sit in on a session, and that comments were made to encourage ss to remain in Richmond during this session.  DH also revoked his consent as he felt ss possibly would benefit more from a psychiatrist who could prescribe meds if necessary - as ss has ADHD.

Counselor wrote back taking exception to every point, and then ended with the fact that in her opinion, ss is not emotionally stable to make the decision of who to live with.  She feels that his loyalties are torn.

She also stated that maybe he isnt in more trouble - just that the school system there is more disciplined - which would make it look like a better school system.

SS has never waivered on where he wants to live.  He may have been hesitant when he had his bm and counselor setting there double-ganging him on how life 'there' is so much better.  I feel that her putting statement onto the letter to benefit bm - and then sending it to bm is further reason to believe she is bias.  However, that would be impossible to prove in court.  

BM had told ss all about this before bringing him down yesterday.  She told him that she is still going to take him to this counselor UNTIL trial.  

1)  Is there any way to undo this damage or make a case that this counselor was making statements to persuade ss to choose that life?



2)  As ss has never waivered in his preference, and in fact, had begged his dad to take full custody last year even before his mother made any comments about wanting to move, show that he is not feeling guilty about his decision?



3) As consent was required by bm and dh, can the counselor continue to see ss after dh revoked his consent?  

[socrateaser]

>1)  Is there any way to undo this damage or make a case that
>this counselor was making statements to persuade ss to choose
>that life?

I don't know. I would need to read every word written by both the counselor and you before I could comment.

Assuming that the counselor has made statements that affirmatively encourage the child to remain with the mother, you could point those statements out to the counselor and then suggest that this appears to be bias on his/her part and then ask directly: Why are you favoring the mother? Then you could state, that unless you receive a response that directly addresses this question of favoritism, that you will be forced to file an ethics complaint with the counselor's regulating authority.

>2)  As ss has never waivered in his preference, and in fact,
>had begged his dad to take full custody last year even before
>his mother made any comments about wanting to move, show that
>he is not feeling guilty about his decision?

When you use a word like "begged," I infer that the child is desparate and in extreme distress to escape from his mom. If that is really the case, then you need to take the child to another therapist who has credentials that are far more impressive than the counselor you currently have. If the therapist requires consent from both parents, and the other parent refuses, then you will need a court order.

Bottom line is that you need an expert to rebut the existing expert's opinion.

>3) As consent was required by bm and dh, can the counselor
>continue to see ss after dh revoked his consent?  

Depends on the laws and regulations under which this counselor practices. Once again, I'd need to read all of the correspondence between the counselor and you, and the counselor's notes, before I would consider filing a complaint.

You walk a fine line. If you are too aggressive, you may be perceived by the court as hostile. If you are not aggressive enough, the counselor won't get the message that this case is too not good for his/her financial health.

[dipper]

HI soc, my ss is the type to make the best out of everything.  So, he cant live here - yet, in his mind - but he has fun where he is at.  To him, everything is going to go as he wants it in january....

(Text of letters deleted by moderator to protect parties' privacy interests)

Now, Soc, I know – its ugly and there may be no help.  I am only hoping for some redeeming qualities from this that give us some hope.  

Okay – as to #1 – homework, yes, its true that this is not a sudden problem.  Son has been with his mom 4 schoolnights a week for 3 years, and he has never consistently done homework.  Not more than has.  But, his classwork grades have proven that he can make A's and B's, not C's and failing.  We are true believers that you have to teach your child to take things seriously, and even an adolescent can be made to do it – punishments and rewards Also, the mother promised in court that she would be helping him do his homework.  As a matter of fact, my hubby had commented that my daughters are honor roll students and that one is son's grade level and can help him – they remarked, yeah – he says they will help, but then he wont be.  With his mom, she will be helping him do his homework every night.

A - .  IF she cannot get him to do homework at 10, 11, 12, or 13, what happens when he wants to go party at 16?

#2 – counselors words were that some kids get in more trouble, so son wasn't that bad.  Also, we told her up front that son would go for months without getting into trouble and then WHAM!  (so her comment to the contrary is not true)  

B- And – does she really need to express her thoughts that there school system is stricter?  She has no idea what our school systems are like.

#5 – My hubby had already informed counselor of suspension on Friday, December 10.  And, in fact, counselor had stated to me on the phone a few weeks ago, that mother is to inform her of any problems between visits.  I had actually found myself defending hubby during that conversation.  Hubby had requested opportunity to take son to session.  BM agreed – only when we called to confirm appt., counselor told me that she wasn't going to be in that date and another session had already been made earlier that week.  Then, without any comment from me about the mom, she started talking about how the mother is so willing and so interested in counseling – how she is always willing to work out appts.   I told her at that time that my husband would be glad to bring his son in, but wasn't allowed to.  Then she began how she had to keep the best interest of son in mind and couldn't get into that.......
#6 – While she takes exception to the fact, she never explains her comments.  Firstly, she had told ss not to be discussing his choice until he went to court.  And then in the session with his mother, she asked where he wanted to live – he said with his dad.  She then asked 'Why?  There is more to do here."  She also told him that there are more jobs there.  (he is 13, he doesn't need a job).  The definition of persuasion is to try to make someone think the way you do or do what you want them to do – by threat or reasoning.....  Sounds to us as if she was trying to reason why that town is a better place to live.....

C – can we make a case here that her questions could be considered persuading as she is in a position of authority?

#7 – MY daughter had a counselor.  She saw him less than nine times.  During that time, he did an initial interview with me.  After 1-2 sessions, he saw me again to tell me how she was.  Then had another interview later to discuss how his work with her was going in detail – and what he was trying to accomplish.  And then....he had another meeting to discuss ending therapy as he thought she was doing great.  

D – She is the professional, should we have requested this information, or shouldn't she have provided it?

Also, I was the one who brought up conduct disorder when we first met on Sept. 24.  I had did my homework on children with ADHD before we ever went to session.  Now, she is saying Adjustment disorder with disturbance in conduct.

E – Could this work in our favor that mother had been requested on August 30 to obtain counseling – and did not feel that he needed it – and nothing was done until we obtained counseling?  (shouldn't she be alert as to the needs of her child?)

F – Would we be roasting ourselves to ask what she basis her opinion as far as him being torn in loyalties, and not being emotionally mature on?  (he has never waivered in six months.  He had asked his dad last year to get full custody of him.  He even told his bm's mother a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to live here.  And – he does not feel guilty about wanting to live here.)


G – Also, since this was more information than necessary, it seems to have been done for Bm's benefit alone.


As for the comments regarding insurance, hubby did want insurance to know that he was not responsible for bills.  Never meant to imply that he was trying to show her up to insurance.  He pays the premiums, so he did not want his insurance being used for something he doesn't want.......
 
Also, I looked up her diagnosis.  Says it's a temporary situation.  'The conditions associated with adjustment disorder develop within three months of the beginning of the stressful problem.  An adjustment disorder usually lasts no longer than three to six months.  The condition may persist, however, if an individual is suffering from chronic stress such as that caused by an illness, a difficult relationship, or worsening financial problems.'




 






 

[socrateaser]

>A - .  IF she cannot get him to do homework at 10, 11, 12, or
>13, what happens when he wants to go party at 16?

This is completely outside the scope of my expertise. I never did my homework. And, the only time I was successful in getting my kids to do homework was when I actually did it with them, but that was for an art class, so homework was drawing.

Ironically, now I work from home alot. Go figure.

>B- And – does she really need to express her thoughts that
>there school system is stricter?  She has no idea what our
>school systems are like.

I am not reading anything in the letter where therapist expresses this as a fact or opinion -- maybe I'm missing somthing.

>
>C – can we make a case here that her questions could be
>considered persuading as she is in a position of authority?

You are reading a lot more into the counselor's letter than I am. The things that you are claiming simply are not within the four corners of the therapist's letter.

>D – She is the professional, should we have requested this
>information, or shouldn't she have provided it?

Never assume anything. If you want something specific, then ask for it.

>E – Could this work in our favor that mother had been
>requested on August 30 to obtain counseling – and did not feel
>that he needed it – and nothing was done until we obtained
>counseling?  (shouldn't she be alert as to the needs of her
>child?)

The child is in counseling, so the mother must have changed her mind, and that's what she will argue, even if you were to corner her on the witness stand.

>
>F – Would we be roasting ourselves to ask what she basis her
>opinion as far as him being torn in loyalties, and not being
>emotionally mature on?

I think that this entire therapist episode is of little value from the view point of a  custody. If I were handling the case, I would try to get a more credentialed therapist to discuss the boy's need for a strong male role model, and that no such person is available in the mother's home, therefore the child's main home should be changed, in order to facilitate this part of the growth process.

And that is the ONLY thing, along with the child's personal preference, that I would focus on.

One of the most important things in presenting a case, is finding the most compelling issue and hammering on it. You can touch on other things, but not to the extent that it distracts. The case, then, becomes simple for the trier of fact, and if you prove your case, then you win.

Think about it.

PS. I'm gonna delete the text of your letters, because I think it a bit too personal for a public discussion.




 

[dipper]

"I think that this entire therapist episode is of little value from the view point of a custody. If I were handling the case, I would try to get a more credentialed therapist to discuss the boy's need for a strong male role model, and that no such person is available in the mother's home, therefore the child's main home should be changed, in order to facilitate this part of the growth process."


Thank you Soc.  I had come to the realization that the therapist does not in fact endorse the bm in the letter.  There is some concern that the bm will have her for trial, but that would imply that the therapist was in fact, not neutral as that was not what her purpose was for the son.

If the bm does not seek a psychiatrist before trial, I think that is something else we will need to seek through the courts if she retains custody.  

Once again, Thank you (that includes for deleting text of letters.)