Frustrated! Long vent, sorry!

[IceMountain]

My husband is having so many problems between his parents and his ex.  We are both so frustrated and don't know how to 'sanely' handle the situation.

Background:  My husband was divorced 3 1/2 years ago.  From that time until about 1 to 1 1/2 years ago his parents 'hated' his ex.  That all changed when my father-in-law 'found God' again.  At that point he thought he should forgive my husband's ex for the crap she pulled on my husband.

OK, fine, great, forgive her, we could live with that.  We got along 'ok' with his ex and always tried to be amicable for my stepson's sake.

About a year ago we chose to move from the city we lived in to another home about 1 1/2 hours away because there were so many problems being created due to my father in law and his ex's 'growing' relationship.  I know some people will slam us because we chose to remove ourselves from the situation, but we felt it was best to move away rather than deal with all the stress and tension his family was causing us.  We now live about 4 hours from my stepson.  

We thought the distance would help, and it has in alot of ways, except in referring to the relationship between his ex and his dad.  Every time we go to his parent's house all we hear is his ex this and his ex that... she's so wonderful this, she's so wonderful that.  Blah, blah, blah.  They have drove such a wedge between themselves and their son and they do not understand why we are upset.  They have also caused too many problems with their favortism of his ex and comparing her to me.  I've removed myself and will no longer attend family functions.

My husband's ex is a pathological liar and is so manipulative.  Her and my father-in-law are alot alike which is why they get along so well.  He admited to me that they basically just use each other.  She comes around and cleans for them, etc. and he buys her things, loans her money, etc.

They invite her to family get-togethers.  Last year they celebrated Xmas with her and my stepson and gave my stepson his gifts from them without my husband even there.  We did not get to celebrate Xmas with his family with my stepson present.  They did it with her so they didn't feel they needed to celebrate with their son present, too.

Fast forward to now.  My father-in-law not refers to my husband's ex as his 'daughter'!!!  Her daughter is considered their 'granddaughter'.   We are in the process of going back to court to have the decree modified for visitation.  Of course his parents think we are in the wrong for doing so.  I wouldn't be surprised if they paid for her lawyer.

Every time my husband disagrees with his ex she gets on the phone and calls his parents and lies about everything and his parents call and chew out my husband without even hearing his side.  It's so frustrating.  We have begun recording all conversations (about 3 monhths).  It doesn't matter, she can lie and twist everything, they can hear the recording and my husband is still in the wrong.

Does anyone have any suggestions for what we can do?  We are sick of his ex's involvement with the family and all of the lies and manipulation.  My husband's dad refuses to acknowledge the problems he is causing.  He doesn't understand why we can't all just be one big happy dysfunctional family.  We are tired of his parents taking everhthing she says as 'gospel' without even listening to their son.  We know we can't control his parents involvement with his ex, but how do we stay sane in the meantime?

[Peanutsdad]

Im sorry, but it looks as if his family has chosen her over their own son. For what reason?, dunno, doesnt matter, aint gonna change a thing.


What your dh has to decide is how to deal with it from here on out. They apparently believe their son is i the wrong, not only that, but by kissin an makin up to his ex, they get to see their grandchild,, probably more than your dh does.


If it is that intolerable, my personal opinion is to sever contact.

[smtotwo]

before he married the psychomommy, however she insisted that the children have a relationship with gramma(DH's mom).

DH said that was fine as long as it didn't involve him.  Since the divorce psychomommy has built a "beautiful" relationship with MIL.

So nice that MIL paid all attorneys fees for her tokeep us away from the kids.
Even offered -out of the kindness of her heart I'm sure- to be the supervisor for our 6 months of supervised visits.  

Of course the reason for supervised visits were because psychomommy moved the children over 1500 miles away without DH's consent and they didn't know him anymore.

We have no contact with MIL at all. Neither do any of DH's siblings.  
MIL is as contolling and manipulative as psychomommy.  A matchmade on hell!!

[heather2662]

What a load of BS X(   That to me is sick and twisted.
Have you both tried talking to FIL? I mean really sitting him down and telling him how this is hurting you, causing problems, and will cause problems for the child?

Here is what I see: I read the post and thought, why is the bond between the FIL and the DH not strong enough to overcome the bond created by the FIL with the BM?
You said it yourself..."My husband's ex is a pathological liar and is so manipulative. Her and my father-in-law are alot alike which is why they get along so well." It is not very often the you can talk sence into someone like that.
If he says he is just using her then maybe you can sway him to "kinda take your side more" meaning: atleast not let the things she says further damage the relationship between FIL and DH. Along with the stuff she tells FIL should not result in a phone call to DH.

You 2 are in a very bad situation. I am sorry to hear it and I know what dealing with people like that are like. My mother is a psycho and she totally damaged our relationship to the point I want nothing to do with her and never will. Now, my husband, has 3 girls- 13, 15, 17 and their mom is doing it to them.

If you make a truehearted atempt to change things and nothing gets better, you may have to write off the FIL. It sucks but you can't let yourself contine to bang your head against the wall. Leaving youself open to a pattern of being hurt by someone has it's consiqueces too.

I really hope things work out. Just make sure when you have visits with the son that you tell him you love him and make sure he understands "no matter what" cause with people like this you never know what he is being told or overhearing.

Good Luck,
heather2662-IL Step Mom

[IceMountain]

Thank you for verifying that I'm not insane.  My FIL is a very controlling person who thinks he needs to be the center of everyone's life.  When we moved he no longer had the control.  We moved due to the problems, but in some ways they increased.  I think he uses the ex to get back at us.  It's his way of still trying to control the situation.  It's too bad that they are losing their son in the process.

We have tried to sit down and discuss the situation but his attitude (which he shared with us) was he is senior and he doesn't care what anyone else thinks because he will do what he wants anyway.  Needless to say, that attitude put a damper on trying to have an adult discussion about the issue.  But we did try.

After that I removed myself and I refuse to have any contact with his parents.  My husband was at that point the other day, but he is getting softer about the idea now.  It's hard to disown your parents, I understand that.  But his parents have pulled so much bs that I can't forgive, I'm beyond that.  

My husband said the other day that he wished he had parents like mine, supportive and loving... I reminded him that he did... he has my parents!

[Peanutsdad]

It's not yours to forgive, but to support him in the decision.....

[IceMountain]

The BS doesn't start and stop with him.  They've hurt me to the point of no forgiveness.

[msme]

write him a letter stating how you both feel & how hurt you both are. Make sure that you recognize his position as the senior member of the family but also state that that position carries with it certain responsibilities. Some of those responsibilities are to advocate peace & harmony in the family, not to stir up trouble & cause discord.

Then tell him that from now on, in the interest of peace & harmony, all calls & contact will be handled this way. Any phone call that mentions the ex, or anything about the custody or visitation, will be terminated immediately.

Should any visits take place, they will be ended immediately if the conversation takes such a turn. Be sure to tell them that his son wishes to have a good relationship with him but will not be subjected to anymore abuse.

Send it CRR & let the sparks fly where they will. Keep a copy, in case they tell the child a bunch of junk.

Don't know if it will help but it sure can't hurt & it puts you in control, something that will really burn him. I would have your hubby call once a week, just to be a loving son. If they try to discuss something inappropriate, He can just say very nicely, "Sorry, Dad, I have to hang up" & then do it.

I will add your family to our prayer list. Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[IceMountain]

You have given us an excellent suggestion, which I think just might work.  Thank you so much for giving us a sane approach to a difficult situation.  

I truly appreciate you replying!!!