Screaming on the phone and court disussions with child

[Ref]

DH's ex is talking to SD about court issues. SD ofcourse is now thinking DH is the devil because he is upsetting her mom. Now she doesn't want to talk to him. BM also starts screaming at DH on the phone when SD is in the apartment. She says wacky things like " SD is a wonderful person!" and "stop abusing me!" These are completely out of context and obviously for the benefit of SD. Now SD thinks BM is standing up for her and getting abused by DH.

What can DH do to stop this. He already told her that it is unheathy to yell with SD in the house. She told him not to tell her what to do. He also told her it was illegal to tell SD about the case. She doesn't care. SD actually spoke with DH and told him that she was mad at him because he was suing her mom and went into some detail about the case and quoted lies BM had told her.

What can we do????

[Astro]

Start taping the conversations.  Find out if your state is a one or two-party state.

This was precisely why I started taping all of my conversations with my ex.  It was like there were two totally different conversations going on at the same time.  She would say some rotten things that were completely and totally out of context--all for the "benefit" of the kids, her parents, relatives, etc. who happened to be in the room with her.  Things like:
Me: "I'd really like to take the kids to the park tomorrow."  
Her: "What?!  You think my dad is an asshole?!!"  
Completely out of left field.  Nobody would have believed me had I not started recording this.  That and the tapes and tapes of nasty messages left on my answering machine.

Also, just by your own knowledge of the conversation being recorded it will help you to remain as civil as possible.  Keep it about the welfare of the kids and don't play games and try to entrap her.  Keep it real.

[BelleMere]

BM in our sitch was like this also. First of all - the kids do eventually get tired of it and see through it. The key with SD is to always tell her things like "It must make you really uncomfortable to hear that about us/your Dad. It's unfair for your Mom to put you in the middle like that." and encourage her to tell her Mom that she needs to keep the discussion between your DH and her.  Give her your side of the story only in a limited way - as in, "Yes, we are taking your Mom to court because we would like to spend more time with you and your Mom won't agree to that without a judge telling ehr to do so." (SD probably is already aware of her Mom;s control issue here) Also if she is old enough, read her the standing CO so she knows what the current status is. My skids were particularly interested in the part of our CO that said neither parent was to bad mouth the other.

As for the phone - I had to work pretty hard with my DH on this, but eventually he got it. When speaking with BM, always have an issue that you want addressed, or end the conversation. If she is anythign like our BM is, she will drag you through a continuous chain of arguments simply to argue . . . there's no point. So your DH must learn, when he senses this, to calmly repeat the issue at hand (i.e. "BM, I called to find out when I could pick SD up. What time works for you?") and if her response is an irrational comment of any kind he is to - again, calmly - say "OK BM, I can see that now is not a good time to discuss this. I will be there to pick her up at 6 (or whatever - alternatively just tell her he'll talk to her later when she is ready to be civil). Goodbye." and HANG UP. Yes, HANG UP. It is rude, but it's the only way. Other options include not talking to her unless it's at a time when you know SD is not home (like she's at school). Finally, it's worth it to tape phone calls. You can get cheap recording equipment at Radio Shack to do this - might want to check if it's legal to do it without her consent. If not, simply inform her at the beginning of each conversation that the call is being taped. That might keep her honest (your DH, also!)

[burrbunch]

In our state it is not legal to tape the phone calls.  However, we do tape the calls and transcribe them on to paper.  Then we have a written record of what went on in the phone call.  Sometimes the conversations can get very heated and it is hard to look back and remember details.  The tapes help us to get it right.  

We also keep a diary of our personal encounters involving BM.  Write it down immediatly!  Having a chronological diary of events is very helpful in court.  

One other thing is to save reciepts.  If you have to go and get the kids, because BM refuses to drop them off and the CO says it is her responsibility, use your credit card or debit card and buy a pack of gum at the closest store.  The date, time, and your personal id (credit number) is embossed on the reciept.

She will flub up when you have this kind of proof.