Required Counseling & contempts

[TwoBoys]

Case is in FL.
We have a 6 yr old son.
He had no legal visitation (never pursued it) until October of 2004 (child was 5 at the time).
Legal CS has been established since child was 1, and the bioDad has fought it every step of the way.
We were never married, but he met someone while i was PG, and married her two months after our son was born. They are still married.

visitation has been sporadic and irregular, (and rare) since child was born.  I continually encouraged and tried to facilitate a relationship b/w my son and his father.  I was always met with a million reasons why he never had time to see our son (he lives 15 minutes away).

As my son got older, the sporadic visitation started taking a toll on my son.  VIsitation seemed to only occur when his bioDad wanted something from me (give him extra time to pay some joint medical bill or whatever).  Finally my son started asking for him, i offered him regular legalized visitation, to which he declined.  I told him he would need to start regular visitation which was legalized, or he would need to legally sign away visitation rights.

Son ended up with a chronic illness (he is allergic to his own blood and has severe chronic allergies to other things as well, resulting in chronic hives) and was diagnosed last year, upon which time huge medical bills were created.  BioDad refused to pay his share.  I filed a contempt and a modification so that son could be added to my insurance as well so that the medical could be affordable, bioDad refused to sign something stating he allowed it (my company wouldnt allow me to add my son without a court order or signed agmt from bioDad).  Part of my petition for modification asked that BioDad set up a regular visitations chedule that he could abide by, or his rights to visitation be removed.

He counter petitioned for a decrease in CS.

He lost his case, and i won everything in mine, final hearing was in january dragged out by BioDads failure to file everything on time (his stuff).

He was awarded exactly what he asked for in visitation which was one weekend a month.

Since then, he still fails to comply with the order, doesnt pay the medical on time, etc.  He exercised visitation for 4 months, and now that the hearing is over, he has asked to cancel all visitation since i wont voluntarily reduce his CS.  He refuses to accept any calls when i try to call re: our son as im required to do in our new shared parenting agreement that is ordered by our court (requires me to give him school updates, etc).

I have tried sending updates by mail, he refuses to pick up the mail from me, or sits on it for forever before picking it up.

1.  Our court ordered shared parenting agreement states that both of us are required to attend counseling should it be necessary to facilitate a coparenting relationship.
How can i go about enforcing counseling?

2.  Court order also states he is responsible for returning the child with clean clothes tthat have been properly laundered.  He has returned the chidl unbathed and in dirty clothes, with none of his clothes clean after each of his past 4 visits.  What can I do about this?
Woudl a contempt on this hold up?

3.  Court order also states if he cannot or will not exercise his timesharing, then he is resposnible for explaining this to the child, and the PRP is not responsible at all for making excuses for the SRPs absence or inability to exercise timesharing.  
He did not exercise Thanksgiving or Christmas and failed to provide a "notice of intent" as the court order specifies he is to do.  He also failed to show up for an event that he promised our son he would be at (his bday party).  He is now obviously not showing up for his weekend visitation scheduled to occur this weekend.  
How can I enforce this, give him notice that hes supposed to inform the child, and give him 10 days to do it then file contempt?

4.  We have received strict orders from my sons allergist that he is not to be around smokers, his father has continually smoked around him knowing this.  Can i file a contempt on that?  (my son has SEVERE SEVERE allergies, and rarely even receives his medicine when hes at his fathers house).

Thank you, I realize this is a lot, i just figured it would be easier in one post than being broken up.  

Thank you,
TwoBoys

[socrateaser]

Before I do your questions by the numbers, I'm a little confused. You say that the father has only seen the child four times, apparently in the child's lifetime, and then you say that the father smokes around the child continuously.

How often does the father actually visit the child?

How many times, total, since the child's birth has the father exercised visitation?

[TwoBoys]

Im sorry for the confusion - let me clarify.

He has only had "legal" visitation since October 2004.  Until then i encouraged liberal visitation.  Only reason it was legalized is because it was sporadic and irregular, and my son began asking a lot of questions about why he didnt see his daddy, crying when hed come home and when his father wouldnt see him again for months, etc.

Total in his life, he has seen his father appx a dozen times:
Once at 4 weeks old, once at 3 months, once at his first bday, once near his second christmas, once when he was 3, he was at his 4th bday party, he was at his 5th bday party, and then saw him once during the summer when he was 5.  We have occasionally run into him around town since we both live in a small town.  As far as visitation exercised, he has spent time with his father at his fathers house maybe 4 of the occasions that ive listed.

He was offered standard visitation, turned it down and instead requested one weekend a month, beginning in October with the first two visitations being only one night, and the remainder being two nights (Fri night and sat night).

Oct - one night
Nov - one night
Nov - didnt exercise thanksgiving timesharing (didnt even let me know his intentions, when id ask hed say hed get back to me later).
Dec - two nights
Dec - didnt exercise christmas timesharing (same as thanksgiving with not letting me know his intent)
Jan - two nights

Feb - didnt show up to our sons party that he committed to adn then failed to show up for his weekend visitation.

Each of his visits, my son has mentioned him smoking but I always assumed he smoked outside.  Each time his clothes get returned dirty, but only in January did they smell strongly of smoke.

I dont like smoking, but it wouldnt be a concern to me if my son didnt have such severe allergies.  He breaks out in hives daily (several times a day) without medication, and with medication he breaks out in hives when hes exposed to smoke or other things that hes allergic to (its an odd list including cigarette smoke, certain grasses, animals, even lanolin and nickel, etc).

Thanks,
TwoBoys

[socrateaser]

>1.  Our court ordered shared parenting agreement states that
>both of us are required to attend counseling should it be
>necessary to facilitate a coparenting relationship.
>How can i go about enforcing counseling?

Send letter offering a choice of counselors, and state that unless he picks one from the list and arranges an appointment for both of you, that you will do so, if you don't receive a response within 10 days.

Then, if he doesn't respond, file a contempt motion.  

>
>2.  Court order also states he is responsible for returning
>the child with clean clothes tthat have been properly
>laundered.  He has returned the chidl unbathed and in dirty
>clothes, with none of his clothes clean after each of his past
>4 visits.  What can I do about this?
>Woudl a contempt on this hold up?

Be very difficult to prove, unless you have a video recorder running every time you transfer the child.

>
>3.  Court order also states if he cannot or will not exercise
>his timesharing, then he is resposnible for explaining this to
>the child, and the PRP is not responsible at all for making
>excuses for the SRPs absence or inability to exercise
>timesharing.  
>He did not exercise Thanksgiving or Christmas and failed to
>provide a "notice of intent" as the court order specifies he
>is to do.  He also failed to show up for an event that he
>promised our son he would be at (his bday party).  He is now
>obviously not showing up for his weekend visitation scheduled
>to occur this weekend.  
>How can I enforce this, give him notice that hes supposed to
>inform the child, and give him 10 days to do it then file
>contempt?

You can't. This is a ridiculous requirement in my opinion, because it creates a false sense of security, where in reality the order is unenforceable, for lack of proof.

>4.  We have received strict orders from my sons allergist that
>he is not to be around smokers, his father has continually
>smoked around him knowing this.  Can i file a contempt on
>that?  (my son has SEVERE SEVERE allergies, and rarely even
>receives his medicine when hes at his fathers house).

Yes, but you must prove that the father smokes around the child. It would probably be easier to request that the father not be allowed visitation until he quits smoking entirely. Also, hard to prove, but it puts the burden on the father to offer some proof that he has quit.

A general comment. It seems that this father never wanted a child with you, and so he resents having to be involved.

You can force the father to pay, but you cannot force him to be responsible, or loving. All you can do is keep the child from harm. I think counseling is probably a good idea, but if the father isn't interested, then it's a waste of time and money.

At some point, you just have to cut your losses and move on as if there is no father. How to explain this to the child -- I really don't have a clue.

It's a very tough problem.

[TwoBoys]

Thank you,
I agree that the requirement that he inform our son is not quite realistic, especially in our case, but our shared parenting agreement for our county is very specific and created by the family law attorneys as well as the judges in our area.  This clause, Im told, is primarily in effect so that the parent isnt expected to make excuses for the other parent, and in fact, according to the SPA, Im restricted from giving my child any info on why his father isnt present for an exchange.  It makes things very difficult.

Anyways, just FYI, you are correct in your assumption.  It was unplanned PG, when we were both fairly young (although hes much older than me), and i found out shortly thereafter that part of his hesitation came from the fact that hed met someone else (out of country).  Theyre now married, and there are no ill feelings from me, but i also later found out that he hid my pregnancy from her, so naturally when it all came to light (court proceedings and all apparantly cant be hidden well), she wasnt too thrilled to find out hed gotten me Pregnant and lied about it.  They were already married by that point, so who knows.

Anyways, I agree that I cant force a parent to be responsible, my only issue is that he will exercise visitation only when he wants to upset me, when it mostly upsets my son.  If I file contempt on unpaid medical, he comes and picks our son up.  Doesnt ever do it again until something else happens where he might have to appear before a judge.  If hes goign to be involved, thats fine by me, i just dont think the sporadic involvement (done out of spite) is best for my child.

Im basically building a case right now to be able to limit (or stop) his visitation all together.  Keeping documentation in hopes that the judge in our case will see that he has no real interest in the child.

The ironic thing, Im heavily involved in Fathers Rights Issues (locally).  

Thank you for your help, its a great thing for a lot of people here :)

TwoBoys....