Need Advise On where to turn! Please Help!!

[Lost In Space]

Hi I am a father of three boys. They live with there mother in an other province. Basicly my situation is this. We seperated over two years ago and have both moved on in our lives in new relationships,we have joint custody of the 3 boys and i have them on holidays, including the summer months. She has always been the type of person who wants to be in control of everything in my life, even now after we have seperated. She is very bothered by my new girlfriend,for the boys have taken to her..she is now trying to turn them against her..in any way possible...trying to tell them she is taking there father away from them,and that i don't love them anymore and would rather not spend any time with them any more...putting in there heads that if they are mean to my girlfriend she will go away...making them feel that she is mean and hatefull towards them...this is all untrue..if anything she has been a better mother figure to them then my ex-wife ever could be,...that is what she is threatened by.  She has now reached an all time low...by refusing to let me speak to the boys on the phone...and telling the boys if they say my girlfriend did unheard of things to them that it would make her disappear....they are unfortunatly falling into the trap my ex-wife is setting up for them ...asking them to lie to family services..She also has call display on her phone so when i do block my number she just answers the phone...when i ask to talk to the boys she responds with not likely and hangs up the phone. If i phone directly she just doesn't answer it. She has also sent me uncalled for emails...that have been demeaning and hurtfull...I am lost as to where to turn now..I desperately miss talking to my boys...and now with what she's saying in her emails that she is going to try to stop my summer visits with them. Can she do this to me...i've never done anything but love those boys..? Where do I go to get help on such a situation... I am losing my mind at the thought of not being able to talk or see my boys??? I suffer from depression, and most days lately due to all her harrassing, iI just want to crawl in a hole and not deal with the world anymore.It has reached the point that her harrassing emails have sent me for a loop...they are destroying my self-confidence as a father, if it wasn't for my girlfriend i wouldn't be able to get  out of bed most days..she is what keeps me going . I send my boys emails, and i know she doesn't let them read them..in the past ,when i was speaking to them ,they said they never got them...but she has emailed me back in responce to them...so i know they actually got there ,she just isn't giving them to them. She is constantly telling the boys that i am not paying child support, or helping out financially since it all went to court, my payments go directly to family services and they directed it to her....she is making me out to be a dead beet dad...she is telling them as well that i am not phoning,emailing or anything...that i don't love them anymore i would much rather spend my time with my new girlfriend, ratther then them...she won't even allow them to call me collect...she gets right upset with them if they want to call me because they are missing me...she is wrecking all bonds i have had with them in the past, by preventing us to have phone contact. How do I get her to stop such nonsence. Please any advise I could get from anyone at this point would be truely helpfull. Losing my mind.Darren

[darkspectre]

First of all, Darren, you need to stop with the whole, "I'm depressed and want to crawl in a hole," thing. You're not going through anything that most of us haven't already, or are currently. Yeah, it sucks, but did you really expect anything different? Women are much more vindictive than men by nature, and this is simply what they do when their marriage falls apart, regardless of whose fault it was. They loved you once, they hate you now. Accept it and shelve whatever hope you may be harboring that she'll EVER act like the person you once thought enough of to marry. She is now your enemy and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can start thinking strategically (read: proactively) and not defensively (read: reactively). Get your head on straight before you get into a funk you can't extricate yourself from.

Now regarding your ex and her little bag of tricks:

First of all, you didn't actually say whether or not you were divorced. Nor did you say whether or not there is a custody order in place. If there isn't, I would strongly encourage you to file for primary custody and be happy if you walk away with 50/50.

Second, she is gift-wrapping your case for you. All of the nasty e-mails, all of the times you have called and she won't let you talk to the kids, this is in your favor. It may suck while it's happening but in the long run this is going to help you. Keep every single e-mail and call your kids every day you don't have them so that you have the phone bills to prove all of the 1 minute calls indicating she hangs up on you.

DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE INTERACTION YOU HAVE WITH HER, AS WELL AS EVERY NEGATIVE THING SHE SAYS, DOES, INCITES, ETC.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING METICULOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If there is a custody order in place and she's igoring it, file an emergency contempt petition and take it in front of a judge. Your goal is to demonstrate that not only is she not interested in facilitating a relationship between you and your kids, she is actually doing everything in her power to destroy it. You don't have a lot of clout as a Dad in family court, but most judges will have a serious issue with this when you can prove it through phone records, e-mails, eye-witnesses, etc.

At this point ensure you are NEVER alone with her. If she didn't file a restraining order against you in the past (and it doesn't sound like it), she will when things heat up. If she gets it to fly you're likely screwed so always have someone else with you if you absolutely have to have any contact with her.

DO NOT respond to any of her nasty e-mails or phone calls. Also, check your state laws and find out whether or not you can legally tape your phone calls. Some allow it without both parties consenting an some do not. If yours does, start taping every time she calls or you call the boys.

Finally (because I'm out of breath), take a little cyber-walk over to http://www.dadsdivorce.com and post your story to the attention of NoMad and let him know I sent you. He is the master of documentation and case-building and he can give you even more valuable insight.

Remember, you are not the priority here, your kids are. Do the right thing for them and by them, DO NOT drag them into the middle of this any more than their mother already has, constantly reassure them of how much you love them and that they are, and always will be, your number #1 priority, and things will work out in the end. Keep the faith.

Best of luck to you and if you need to head-butt a wall once in awhile in order to keep yourself thinking straight - do it. Because anything other than that is just laying down and letting her win - which is exactly what she wants.

[wendl]

Dark gave you some great advice.

You need to start documenting everything, go buy a journal and keep it organized. Also I would suggest contacting some attorneys (make sure they specialize in family law)

This isn't an easy road, and no one here will lie to you about it. Like Dark said, may here are or have gone thru this, my husband has gone thru this and they accused me (his wife) of BS stuff to. So not only are you in this they will go after you and also your girlfriend.

Start reading up on everything you can, get yourself educated on the laws so to better prepare yourself.

And remember NOT to discuss this with your children, this is a big no no in court, you and your ex are not suppose to talk to the children about adult matters like this.

Best of luck.