A MUST read.............

[Kitty C.]

Forwarded to me from Mark Griebel of Iowa CNBP:



Divorce in the eyes of a Child

For years we have viewed child custody as a matter between a mother and a father with no mention of how children feel about their parents divorcing. I'm going to do my best to help you see divorce in the eyes of a child. I'm not a child psychologist so you're not going to get a psychiatric analysis. I don't think it's possible for a psychologist or any one else to understand how a child feels when parents divorce unless they lived it themselves. I'm going to explain to you in the eyes of a child based on my own experiences when I was a child of divorce. I'm going to start by giving you a little background about myself even though I'm not very comfortable doing so but it is for a good cause.

I was born in 1960 in Clinton, Iowa. At the time I had two older brothers ages seven and three. In 1961 my father died unexpectedly, I was nine months old. I never knew my dad and as you may wonder, how could I possibly know how a child feels when their parents divorce. A year after my father died my mother remarried and my sister was born. I grew up thinking that my stepfather was my real father until around the age of seven. That is when I learned about the death of my father. I was devastated but still realized how important my step dad was to me. He truly did his best and he cared deeply about all of us kids, he was my dad.

Unfortunately, when I was around seven years old my mother filed for divorce. This was at a time when fault divorce was law. I can testify from my experience that even though divorce was lower based on today's standards, when divorce did happen, it was just as ugly as it is today. Because my step dad was not my biological father the courts only gave my sister parent time with him. Only after I kicked and screamed to see him was I allowed to go along with my sister. I lost normal access to my dad and even though my mother continued to attack him he never retaliated. He was always focused on my sister and the rest of us boy's and never expressed bad feelings toward my mother even though he lost everything in the divorce. I no longer had the every day benefits of his wisdom, love, and nurturing. We all paid the ultimate price.

The main thing I remember as a child was that the conflict seemed to never end. My mother put him down often in the beginning and I felt so bad for my sister because I couldn't protect her from it. It was painful because the two people I needed most were opposite sides of the river and no longer communicating. The bad feelings were always present. This was a double whammy for me because I missed both my step dad and my biological father. I don't think my mother had a clue of the impact the divorce had on us. Children would rather keep the hurt to themselves than have to confront a parent.

It consumed me throughout my childhood, my teen years, and it showed. I was failing in school and I had low self-esteem. I thought of myself as a loser and that others were miles ahead of me. I was clearly on the path to destruction. I was lucky though because a teacher at my school recognized my problems and he got involved. This guy literally turned my life around and I still have contact with him till this day. I got into sports and started to take school seriously and my grades proved it. Those positive in my life were my teacher and my step dad, father figures.

As I was growing up I found myself studying my friends families, back then intact families were the norm. I could never get it out of my head what I was missing. I missed the family life we once had. Everybody in my family waiting at the dinner table while the pressure cooker was rattling on the stove. Those were good times but the divorce changed all of that. Like a flick of the switch, it was over.

Everything we read today about how divorce affects children is true. The only thing I disagree with is that these studies don't express how devastating divorce is in the eyes of a child. It was horrible to me and I'm still coping with it.

The only difference between my experience and what children face today is they may not feel so isolated as I did since divorce is more common. Theres no doubt that children today still feel the lose of family when divorce occurs with the acceptation of those parents who work together after divorce.

Today I have a son from my first marriage and two daughters with my current wife. As much as I try to be a dad for my son I can see a difference between him and my daughters. We simply don't have enough time together for me to make a major impression on him. I think that a child without normal access to either parent is a form of abuse. A form of abuse that can only be understood by a child.

My mother is not a bad person but because she chose to do battle with my dad, she destroyed any hope for us kid's to preserve a normal childhood. It wasn't all her fault. I think the courts take most of the blame because all they did for my parents was supply the battlefield.

Over the years the courts have failed to address these problems and seek solutions. Iowa legislators understand what this means and they did their part to correct the problem. Many were hoping the courts would follow suit. Today we see signs that maybe they haven't caught on. It's going to be up to us to make sure they do.

My advice to parents:

- Stop feeding money to the very system that failed you and your children. Rather, help us change the system so that it favors children.
- Avoid conflict with the other parent at all cost, there are two sides to a conflict. http://www.fatherseqrts.org/iowa%20tips
- Take your grievances with the other parent and direct them to the real source of the problem, the court system.
- Think about what divorce means to your children and then decide if you  want to be a part of our Judicial Reform. http://www.cnbp.info/judicial

Mark Griebel

Chairman, Children Need Both Parents

//www.cnbp.info

Chapter President, Fathers For Equal Rights

//www.fatherseqrts.org

[MYSONSDAD]

"Children learn what they live"