Advice for father regarding mother wanting to move kids to mexico

[idahofather]

My situation is this. My wife visited mexico with our children to learn spanish this past summer for 2 months. While there, she met another man and had a relationship with him. This not being her first case of adultry, I asked for a divorce and she has agreed.

She now wants to move to mexico to live with her new boyfriend and share custody of our children between mexico and Idaho. Neither she or her boyfriend have the financial resources to support any kind of reasonable environment for the kids (even with mandatory child support). I have met with (but not engaged with) a lawyer, who says that I only have to say no and any judge in Idaho will make the children stay in Idaho.

Her proposed custody arrangement would split the kids during the school year (3 kids, 6, 9, 11); 2 in mexico, 1 in idaho first semester, 2 in idaho 1 mexico second semester, divide summers in half between idaho and mexico, all three children together in the summers.

So far the seperation is going smoothly, although I feel I am walking a thin line. We had a very healthy marriage of 16 years other than my wifes "indescretions"; the children are very well adjusted and are handling the seperation well. I want my wife to remain mentally healthy so she can be a good mom to our children.

I was hoping that she would figure out on her own that this plan is not in the best interests of our children but this isn't going to well. We have seen a counselor, a licensced family mediator and the school counselor. Although the school counselor does not know the full story (the others do), none of them are providing any significant discouragement to her proposed plan.

Everything I read suggests that frequent visits with both parents, same city, continuity of schools and friends, etc are all extremely important. Furthermore, this arrangement will place significant financial burdens on both of us and very difficult time burdens on me (I own a small business and need to travel somewhat regularly).

My questions are:

1) Where can I find a local "expert" that may suggest to my wife that this is not a good plan? Counselors and mediators don't seem to want to discourage anything in particular, "everything is ok as long as you don't fight in front of your children".

2) Are there any books, studies, etc. that give advice on this type of situation?

3) Am I just being unreasonable and this really is a perfectly fine type of arrangement given our situation?

Your help is greatly appreciated.

[socrateaser]

>My questions are:
>
>1) Where can I find a local "expert" that may suggest to my
>wife that this is not a good plan? Counselors and mediators
>don't seem to want to discourage anything in particular,
>"everything is ok as long as you don't fight in front of your
>children".

Don't bother. Go to court and request a temporary restraining order on grounds that you believe your ex may attempt to secret the children across the Mexican border.

>2) Are there any books, studies, etc. that give advice on this
>type of situation?

I don't know, but I wouldn't try some self-help approach. Mexican law is "fluid" to say the least. There's the official law, and then there's what's known as the "mordida" (bribe). Any Mexican law can be overcome, if the price is right, including gaining entry to the country.

So, if your ex has fallen for a Mexican national, and he knows how to work the system then he can get your kids across the border -- passport or not.

You need to get primary custody now. Don't screw around with this.

>3) Am I just being unreasonable and this really is a perfectly
>fine type of arrangement given our situation?

The situation is ridiculous. The first time your ex takes the kids you'll never see them again. If this was between ID and AZ, I'd say, hey, what the heck -- if you can make the school issues work then go for it. But Mexico may as well be Siberia. Don't do it.

[idahofather]

First of all, I do genuinely trust my ex and she has not fallen for a mexican national, she has fallen for a resident. Furthermore, I trust my kids (the oldest is 11, almost 12) and their ability to find me if they were kidnapped by their mother. I've also spent considerable time in Mexico and I'm very familiar with how the law works there. This is not really the question I was asking. The best possible outcome for my children is a healthy mom and a healthy dad.

If I just say no, this is going to create an unhealthy mom (at least for the short term). I'm trying to avoind that by finding someone else that will say no that she will respect. I am looking for a professional or a professional reference that I can point her to so the no answer is not coming directly from me. Every professional that I/we have spoken to so far has not discouraged her/us in the least bit.

1) Is there a type of professional person with expertise in these types of matters or a good book I can reference that will say this is a bad idea for the kids. I'm talking primarily about the seperation of the children from each other and the other parent for 4 months at a time.

Thanks.

[socrateaser]

>1) Is there a type of professional person with expertise in
>these types of matters or a good book I can reference that
>will say this is a bad idea for the kids. I'm talking
>primarily about the seperation of the children from each other
>and the other parent for 4 months at a time.

Sorry, nothing comes to mind -- and this is one of those situations where reasonable experts can disagree under oath, especially if you pay them enough expert witness fees to do so.