Proving child abuse from second hand smoke.

[tonyhms]

I am a father of two children, DA (6) and VM (4).  I have been married to their mother TM for nearly 11 years.  We are still married, but things keep getting worse and counseling has not helped.  In fact, the counselor told us that if my wife was not willing to work on the suggestions made, then there was no reason to continue.

My wife is a stay at home mom who has been the caregiver while I work to support our family.  But, I make the time to be the coach for both of my kids soccer teams and my sons baseball team.  When I am home on the weekends I make sure that we go out and do something fun.  My wife, on the other hand is an introvert and makes no real effort to take the kids outside the home, except for going to my mother's-in-aw place.

My mother-in-law is a widow who has smoked in the same home for 36 years.  My father-in-law died from cancer due to his smoking two years ago at the age of 66.  My wife and her two brothers have terrible bouts from allergies (although none of them smoke) and are very thin.  My kids get sick quite often, but they are young and go to school so that could be normal.  I don't remember getting as sick as often as they do when I was a child, but my mother didn't smoke.  She now has them taking Claritin for children to help combat their allergies.  But, they get more than just a little sneeze or cough lately, in fact DA is on antibiotics now for a sinus infection.

I have had heated arguments with my wife about not taking the kids over to her mothers house, and she continues to do so.  As for the cleanliness of her mother's house, her light blue carpet that she had put in over 20 years ago is now a dark greenish-brown that you can rub and the filth will get on your hands.

I want my kids to have a stable home and have stayed with my wife to provide everything I can emotionally, physically and financially.  My requests are not being taken seriously...any help would be appreciated.

[catherine]

But instead of driving a wedge there between family (and that wedge can't heal) try thinking of alterior things you can do to change things.  Get your wife into a different counselor.  Sounds like she has clinical depression and needs meds as well as a psychologist to get her out of her funk.  Talk to your MIL and tell your MIL that you do not want her to smoke around your children.  Don't go through your wife for that.  As for the dirty house, well, some things you have to let go.  Or pay the money to hire her a cleaning lady once a week.  Get the rugs shampooed for her....

Just throwing ideas out there.  Hope you find something that works.

[jilly]

I don't like smoking either but I really don't see how you can ask someone to not smoke in their own home.  My DH smokes and he goes out on the back porch to smoke.  However, when he opens the door to come back in the smoke still gets in the house and it's on his clothes when he comes in.  As much as I don't like the smell or the consequences to his health I'm not going to pressure him to quit. He's been smoking for far too long and I know that's something he can't and won't do. We were recently on a long flight. I couldn't wait for him to be able to smoke! He was even more obnoxious than usual without his nicotine! LOL

[tonyhms]

My wife fully understands the implications of bringing our kids to our MIL.  Her father died from cancer.  Instead of not taking them there, she buys them Claritin to fight their allergic reactions.  Does this constitute a form of child abuse?

Thanks for the responses.

On a side note, I have told my MIL about my concerns.  Her response has always been that there isn't enough evidence to warrant my concerns.  She is the type of person that no matter how much proof you put in front of her, she thinks she knows best.

[catherine]

you would need to have a dr's full evaluation and diagnosis done that indeed they are allergic to smoke.  If that can be proven medically, then you have a right to get an injunction against MIL to prevent her from smoking near the children.

[MYSONSDAD]

buy her an air cleaner with a built in ionizer.

Smoking and Custody: DO A SEARCH IN THE SEARCH ALL FOR SMOKING

http://www.forces.org/disgust/files/ash.htm

NEW -- Links on Smoking and Custody

Custody and Smoking Report - from ASH
Smoking as Child Abuse - At Least 15 States Cracking Down on Smoking Parents
Article - Smokers May Lose Custody of Children as a Result of New Study
Children and Smoking - Links

http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,5431,00.html

http://www.epa.gov/smokefree/pubs/etschild.html

http://www.epa.gov/smokefree/


"Children learn what they live"

[StPaulieGirl]

Some good suggestions have already been posted, but an air purifier is a great one.  What if everyone chipped in and bought your MIL new carpeting?  Maybe she needs help around the house?

If allergies run on one side of the family, chances are that the kids will develop them.  My dad had them, I have them, and my son has them.  If you're concerned with giving them Claritin, take them to a specialist.  They'll do an allergy series.  If the tests turn positive for anything besides plain old hayfever, then the kids can get allergy shots.  Problem solved.

To demand that your kids not see their grandma is cruel.  It's cruel because apparently this is the one place that your wife visits.  She would have to wait for you to get home to watch the kids, so she could visit her mom.  By then it's time to start dinner.

[wendl]

Have you taken the kids to the Dr for allegery tests done??

That way if they do have allergies and it shows the things that they are allergic too you can show proof of this.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I understand your concerns.  As a youngster I had an aunt who chain smoked.  I couldn't understand how she could continue when as a five year old I begged her to stop and my eyes would water and I would cough.  She knew darn well that it was having a negative effect on me. I would hide her cigs all the time.

Time passed and do you know what?  She eventually quit.  She has been smoke free for almost thiry years now.  I am a psychiatric nurse who works with adult addicts.  I guess her smoking had a lot of other effects on me too!  

As an aside: I did develop allergies but not until I was almost thirty and had not lived with this aunt for almost ten years.  I do not know if that is related or not.

I quess what I'd like you to know most of all  is that smoking or not I have always loved my aunt and would have been harmed irreparably by not having the relationship.  I learned a lot about life and relationships and addiction through the years because of this close relationship.

I came to understand that my aunt could not quit until she was ready to quit.  I came to understand that it didn't have anything to do with me or whether or not she loved me or how much she loved me.

Your concerns for your childrens' health are valid.  Take some of these suggestions to help the situation.  Make things as safe for your children as you can.

In the mean time, ask yourself why you are still married to your wife.  I see what may be an underlying current in your post.  I don't know you well enough to know if it is frustration with the situation or anger or what.  Any of those emotions would be justied.  Sometimes when you are overwhelmed all the emotions kind of settle into one issue.

 Do you have some support for yourself?  An individual counselor was very helpful to me as I was going through marriage counseling with my ex ( please note:  he is an ex so it didn't work out for us).  It can be a very trying time to go through.  

Would your wife be willing to get a physical?  She needs to rule out any physical causes for why she isn't particiating in counseling or really doing much other than visiting her mom.  It certianly seems like she could be depressed.  That is a family disease.  When one member is depressed everyone is affected. It is possible to be so depressed as to not be able totake advantage of therapy for your depression.  That is ususally an indication that he person needs medication for the depression.

I lived with people who were depressed for a lot of my life.  I didn't know there was any other way to live.  When I got into therapy it was like the sun came out for the very first time.

I am sure that we have given you a lot to think about here.  Good luck.  Stop back and let us know how things are going.