Re-unification

[janM]

A friend who belongs to SPARC has just won a contempt motion. His exwife started denying visitation 4 years ago. The kids were 4, 6 and 8 then. He was largely unaware of his options and didn't have the funds for a contempt hearing. Mom had turned the school against him by saying he was not allowed near the kids, and that he had lost all his rights (her reasoning in court was that he had not had contact with them for over a year so he must have lost them).

In the past she alleged physical and sexual abuse but this was hardly mentioned in court. But we're sure the kids have been told that it happened. She has effectively replaced Dad with stepdad, even claiming the kids on their taxes and using stepdad's insurance (both against the court order).

Anyway, Dad has been granted shorter visits to start with, from 12 to 8pm for 2 or 3 Sundays (starting Nov. 30) and then starting overnights again a couple of weekends as well as Christmas afternoon and the day after. Then back to every other weekend and mid-week by February.

They want to get the kids into counselling to help them adjust to seeing Dad and his family again and try to counter the PAS, but nothing is court ordered.

I am wondering the best way to deal with all of this, with them? Should he be truthful about all the things they have been told? What if they are really hateful? The youngest may not even remember them. The oldest may be ok but she is the one that Mom identifies with and I'm sure she's been told that Dad is a molesting monster.

This is probably not going to be a walk in the park...

[Indigo Mom]

-----Anyway, Dad has been granted shorter visits to start with, from 12 to 8pm for 2 or 3 Sundays (starting Nov. 30) and then starting overnights again a couple of weekends as well as Christmas afternoon and the day after. Then back to every other weekend and mid-week by February.-----

Cherish this small time.  Cherish it like it's his last visit with them.  These short visits, while it sucks, is the BEST way to reunite the father with his children.

Do NOT miss one.  Don't cancel even if he's dying.  And I'll tell ya why.

If these children have been emotionally shredded by their mother, they're going to need their father to give them 110% of himself.  While it does suck, he has to prove he really wants a relationship with them.  I know why he hasn't had one, but the kids don't need to learn about it.  He just needs to BE dad...

Nothing in custody is ever a walk in the park.  If the children are hateful, do NOT show anger.  Allow them their feelings, and help them work through 'em.  They know nothing other than what their mother tells them, so forgive these children for the way they may act.  Dad needs to be ready to defend himself if any of them ask WTF.  He shouldn't tell the kids their mother is an idiot, but put up a GREAT honest defense without badmouthing her.

Everything you wrote in your post should be kept FAR away from the kids.  Just love them like there's no tomorrow, cause now a days...ya never know if the other parent is going to deny you your children.

Looking forward to hearing how Nov. 30th goes!!!  Yippeeee for dad!!!!

[janM]

Oh I don't think there's any way he'd miss one minute with them after all this time. And the last thing he wants to do is make it look like Mom is right, that he doesn't want them anymore.

I appreciate your comments, I'll pass them along to them.

[Dr. D]

I am all in favor in enlisting the assistance of a therapist to help with the readjustment.  Try to let the children know, that you, too are adjusting and that you want to make this as smooth as possible for everyone.  There is no telling at this point what the children know, think, feel, etc.  Assume the best expect the worse as they say.  Dad should be truthful, HOWEVER, I do NOT advise offering information.  Many kids are perceptive enough to figure out what is what and who is for them -- others cannot.  Remember, this is a time for Dad to regain a relationship - not a time for revenge.  Let the children know they are loved no matter what.  Remember, take time to relax when things get tense.  Dr. D