What type of therapist should I seek out?

[ex-stepfather]

Unlike some of you stepfathers in here, I have given up. My wife and I left the kid with her real dad and moved away. They accused us of child abuse 3 times and tried to ruin our marriage and have me thrown away in jail.

Well, their plan backfired because not only did I not go to jail, but I do not have a criminal record- thank god for both. The type of work I do would have been ruined if I would have ended up with a criminal record- but it has drained all of our finances.

Children can be so cruel. My wife stands by me 100% knowing that I raised her daughter as if she were my own child. I took care of this child since she was an infant- while her real dad was out doing drugs and getting DUI's, gay bashing homosexual men with his white supremacist friends, I was checking homework and going to parent-teacher conferences. While her father was out skateboarding and having several more children out of wedlock, I was raising his child.

I posted my story in the "general" section and if you are interested, please read my post: "Step-father wrongfully accused"

I was not sure where to post my story because it involves so much: The $600.00 a month in child support my wife pays to a complete scum bag, the brain washing of a child, my wife and I being accused 3 times by scum bag dad and brain washed child of child abuse- and finally, us deciding to move across the country and abandon my wife's daughter who I believe to be a narcissistic sociopath.

I guess we will never know what is wrong with her since dad wont get an evaluation done- perhaps because it would expose how f-ed up he is.

I feel a deep sense of loss in loosing a child. I would imagine that a death of a child feels like this. Yet, I am bared by the courts to have any further contact with her and quite frankly, even if I could communicate with her, what would I say? What do you say to a child who has decided that she wants to live with her real father so badly that she was willing to lie to a social worker and accuse my wife and I of child abuse?

I am so depressed all the time and I take it out on my wife. Even the simplest of things cause me to fly off the handle now.

I don't even have a job in this new town we just moved to and I feel like I am a bad person for not supporting my wife by working.

I have looked for work but also admit that I waste a lot of my day feeling sorry for my self and moping around the tiny apartment we live in.

I am only 29 but I feel like I am an old man some times. Nothing makes me happy.

I really feel lost right now and I am wondering what sort of help I need. I have been to several therapists in my old residence but I have yet to seek help in my new city.

thanks for reading this.

[TX]

You sound like a wonderful person.

1. Have a child of your own naturally, adopt or maybe even foster. A boy would be great to not get that sense of trying to "replace" the daughter.

2. Keep a journal of letters to the daughter to one day hand to her when she accuses you of not caring enough to stay in her life.

It sounds like your in a depression, get out and start walking, go to church, pray, join a support group do what you know in the past has helped you and has made you feel better. You've lost the girl, don't lose your wife or yourself! It will get better, it really will. I know it sounds nuts, but I find visiting a cementary a little enlightening. It makes me realize where I could be. I mean, if we're alive, healthy and have half our wits anything is possible. How about considering writing a book? I'm sure there is more stepfathers out there who have been or will be where your at! Take that old and lost feeling and generate it into a new breath of an avenue to reach others. How about a website? You obviously are a deep, sentimental,  sensitive person that has been through hell and back. I find it absolutely amazing what a person can accomplish when they experience such a deep loss, look at John Walsh and what all he did. I have a feeling you may do better standing on the top of a mountain and sharing your experiences then curling up in a ball with a blanket over your head inside your safe and riskless home.  Maybe it's time to start yelling loud and the daughter that is states away, just may hear.

On that thought, I'm a firm believer of what goes around comes around and good old Dad will have his day.

[ex-stepfather]

Thanks for the kind words, TX.

Am looking in to all of the above- Lots of lifes changes going on.

I was just wondering if a Dr. could advise me on what types of therapy one should seek out in a time like mine-

I do agree with getting exercise, spiritual developement and other theraputic things- but I am talking about seeing a therapist to deal with my problems also- some one to talk to who is an uninvolved 3rd party.

Thanks again.

[DecentDad]

Hi ex,

Sorry for all you've been through with this.  Yes, you and your wife have lost a child.  If you want to understand the dynamics of what caused your child to do this, read a book called Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  Knowledge may bring some peace.

I agree that spiritual development could be a really important thing right now.  In the worst of times, re-discovering faith could be a beacon for you... the overwhelming questions with which we struggle internally are, "What did I do to deserve this horrible blow?  How could such injustice and unfairness happen?"

However... that's all long-term stuff.

I think you're to be commended for recognizing you've hit a pit and need some help climbing out.  Everyone deserves happiness and intimacy.

Any therapist with whom you connect would be the right one.  A LMFT, PhD, MD, MFCC... all strongly depend upon your connection to the person and your willingness to be open (both with your words and your emotions).

You may call a couple places... your county's mental health department may have a referral list.  If you live in a decent sized city, your yellow pages (last resort) may have grief counselors listed.

If you feel comfortable, you can ask your physician for a referral to a counselor with whom she/he thinks you'd connect.

In my personal situation, mine started at 29 too, as I got someone pregnant unplanned.  It turns out she's mentally unstable, and it's been a five-year ride to fight to stay in my daughter's life.  I've experienced that time in jail before prosecutor dropped charges, along with defending against 200 other accusations before judges and our custody evaluator.

It was through (I believe) divine grace that I found a Jungian therapist who has helped me stay centered, grounded, and focused on my growth through the struggle.  I've been seeing him 2 to 4 times a month for four years, and while the initial sessions were about crisis management, they gradually turned into self-realization and major MAJOR growth within me.

So, given my own experience, if you have a Jungian Society or Jungian Institute in your city, they'd have referrals too.

Best wishes for you and your wife to heal as much as possible from this, and to discover a new path for yourselves that allows you to once again live joyfully.

Feel free to email at [email protected] for any words of encouragement.

DD