the begining of the end

[lb]

Let me give you an example.

 A divorced father takes his child to the park
He lets go of the Childs hand to get
 Some money from his pocket for ice-cream
The child falls and cuts their knee
The father washes it off gives it a kiss
They continue to have a great day.
When the child gets home the mother
 Notices the band aide and asks what happened.
The child says they fell,
The mother replies where was your dad ?
Wasn't he watching you?
The next day mother looks at the cut
She causes it to bleed by washing it .
Then says look at this .You will have a scare
Your father never did care about your safety..
The next time the father goes to picks up the child
He notices the cut is not healed. and his
Child seems very nerves.
When he brings this up to his x wife she closes
the door in his face .Then tells the child see how your dad is
Let me wash that cut for you again.
As she does this she tells the child that
His dad was so busy looking at woman  
He probably knocked you down. When the child say no
The mother gives a dirty look and says
What will happen next .Will you get hit by a car  
On the next visit the mother tells the child  
I will worry about you all the time you are with him.
You may fall off a swing and break your neck?
Your dad will be to busy girl watching .The child says
no mom Dad will take care of me .
The mother says maybe you should go live with
Your dad?
You will most likely have a limp from the  time he
Pushed you down  
 This goes on for months and the cut is as fresh
As it was the day of the accident.
.She is not saying dad is bad. Mom is only trying to protect me
 The child becomes more and more distant
 The father is confused. When they get to the park the child says
.Mom does not want me here.. He asked why not?  
She is only trying to protect me. You brought this on yourself
The father stunned asks the child .Protect you from what
Dad you pushed me down so you could get a
Better view of a girl.  That is why you left us .You had a girlfriend
You never cared about me.
That is the beginning of the end


lb

[StPaulieGirl]

How old is your kid? The end of what?  You ought to be just getting started.  This is completely inexcusable.  Is the child's mother deliberately keeping the cut from healing?  Check out the links here on PAS.  I don't know if it is what's going on, but it's a good place to start.

A cut on the knee.  Good grief, to put this in normal perspective, I could write an article about my favorite So Cal ER's.  I have 4 kids.  A cut on the knee.  One time the youngest got her brother's skateboard and lost control of it going downhill.  Try roadrash from head to toe.  All you have to do is turn your head for 2 minutes and they're off building skateboard ramps off of the damn roof.  Of course my kids are probably rowdier than yours, but still.  Getting banged up is a part of growing up.  You try and keep them from doing it, but they'll find a way.  

I hope your kid is a girl instead of a boy.  Talk to a lawyer.

[stepmomtwo1]

This story is sad but true. My sd is 16 and was three when dh and her mother were divorced because the ex was having an affair with a friend and was  "in love " with him.

Now at 16 sd "remembers" her dad never being there for her when she was 3 and how sad her mom always was and that her dad hired people to kill her moms boyfriend (now step dad) even though these things never happened and were only created in the ex's mind and psychotic imagination. :(  

This child has been filled with a life time of lies and she believes the one person who is suppossed to love and be honest with her...her mother. Children are used so much by parents to get even and it's just too sad. There is nothing you can do because the more you tell your child that it's not true the more the bio hag tells them your just trying to make yourself look innocent when you really are.

It is a lose lose situation if you have a crazy ex to deal with and they have custody of the child.

[TX]

I have to agree with stepmomtwo1. My stepchildren are now 19 and 20 and they have been told the same type of manuplitive lies since 3 and 4. My stepdaughter is in rehab for the fifth time and my stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD, biopolar and is a habitual drug user ever since he was 10. As a stepparent it has been horrible to have absolutely no control and for my husband, who has been blamed for their behavior, it's been a living nightmare. Yes, just a simple scratch on the knee can turn into an avenue for a sick psychotic parent to manupliate. I look back and wonder what could of been done to prevent the twisted way they were taught to believe about their Dad and his "new" family. The only advice I can offer is to never ever give up any of your vistation time and start documenting everything said and done. Don't let her or your child know what you are doing and stay very organized with a goal in mind. It may be several years before you can act on changing custody, but with the other parent that is alienating it will be worth it. I wouldn't rush out and get an attorney, build your own case by using this resource and others. When your ready to file for a modification, present everything very organized for your attorney. I've lost count on the number of attorneys  we have tried each with a renewed hope that SOMEONE will finally see what mental harm was being done to the children. The dollar amount went into the thousands and thousands of dollars and we finally came to the conclusion that it IS all a money game and most attorneys really don't care.

We never bad mouthed the other parent and always tried to make visitation a good memory. It's funny now because neither one of the children remember much of anything. How can they forget, not one but three, trips to Walt Disney World and so many other things over the years? What they do say they remember is how their Dad wasn't there for them, he NEVER visited and didn't love them. Their Dad's trip to pick them up every other weekend was a 100 miles one way and half was in bumper to bumper traffic. It didn't matter what was planned or the weather, he MADE sure he picked them up. As they got older, slumber parties, ballgames, birthday parties and so forth would come up and they would call and ask him not to pick them up. The ex wouldn't switch weekends unless SHE had something planned. I can count on one hand how many times she met him half way or if she switched but he didn't want the kids to miss out on something they wanted to do. Now, I honestly think he should of put his foot down and told them it was his weekend and no matter what they had to go with him. Then again, I'm not sure if that would work either.

All in all, PAS is very complicated and the damage it does to children is unbelievable.

[nosonew]

OMG, If I could HALO this I would! This is a perfect example of PAS at it's finest.  She never comes right out to the point of a judge or counselor slapping her down, but her comments, continuous, on-going, to the point the child hears it so much, begins to believe it as gospel, although originally they realize it is false.  Doesn't matter the age, although is easier with younger kids.  Sooo sad.

I just read this to my husband, who just shook his head, and I am sure had a heavier heart than before I read it.  We now have his son, who lives with us, but those years lost, all those lies told to him about us, they still hurt.  Always will.

[mango]

I am a step-mom to a ten year old, and we have been dealing with the programming (PAS) sicne age 4. Mother was out of the picture prior to then. But when she decided to become a parent she had a littany of cutdowns and critacisim about my husbands ability to parent.

My husband is teh most loving unconditional caring father that I know, and the bonds are still thee but we can tell where they are headed. She leads the child to believe she will catch colds in our home, and we are unable to care forher, after visits with her mom her (our) clothes are often changed, because they made her itchy or too hot, too cold– Never good enough.

The list goes on and on. Soon she will be age 12 and we know what that means. Her mother has been preparing her to get infront of the judge and say she prefers her moms house. We will be out of the picture.

Funny part is when her mother has her at her house, she is never home. She leaves her home alone or leaves her with a grandparent. It's as if it's a fight over power and nothing more. I can't help but feel she doenst really care about her daughter.

She removes handouts, teacher notes, and homework information from the bookbag,  before the father picks her up for his parenting time, and tries to keep him out of the school loop. We have tried to put envelopes in the book bag to facilitate exchange of assignments. But it gets tossed. She goes out of her way to bring back the school folder she removed from teh back, to return it to the school, so the father can not get his hands on anything from her school. Grade ccards, graded homework, school pictures etc.

It's unreal.

I can do nothing about it, sicne I am only a step-parent.

[Kitty C.]

Especially as far as the school is concerned anyway.  The PBFH's 'game' she's playing with the school stuff is just that:  a control game.  And your DH is letting her play it.  You both need to stop allowing her to control at least that aspect.  If your DH has joint legal, then all he needs to do is go directly to the school and ask for the stuff himself.  If he hasn't built a relationship with the school already, he definitely needs to.

Bypass the PBFH and take that control away from her.  It will make her that much more pissy for a while, but remember the saying?  'Living well is the best revenge.'  When she tries to ream you a new one for 'going over her head' (there was NO 'going over' to begin with, you are entitled to that info!), just stand there and smile, nod, act like you understand her feelings, then go on your merry way.  Somebody better be ready with a fire extinguisher, tho.  Cuz the smoke will just be rolling outta her ears!  

When you take all the fight outta the dog, they'll tuck their tail between their legs and hide.........

[Dr. D]

This is well written.  You sound full of hopelessness and helplessness.  Brush yourself off, smile real big, and say to your daughter, "You are the single most important person in my world"  You scrap your knees (and your heart) when you are enjoying life.  Only sadness, greed, selfishness, and bitterness will protect you from those scraps and then you aren't really living.  Tell her that a scraped knee (and heart) is o.k. and go on to tell her about living.  Don't give up for goodness sake.
Dr.D