Looking for advice

[almostastepmom]

It's been awhile since I've posted, but am in DESPRITE need of some advice.  My 9 yro SD is having major issues with me (SM) and I just don't know how to handle it.  When coming to our house, she will be very cold to me for the first couple of hours, won't talk to me, look at me, or responde to anything  I say.  Then if she does she will only say things about her mom and what she gets and does with her mom.  Recently on Christmas we had a BIG blow out with her.  I called her out on her attitude and the way she was treating me.  I asked her if she knew that I loved her, she said no.  Yet I tell her every time I see her, every night when I tuck her into bed and she still thinks this.  I told her that I would NEVER treat someone I loved or anyone for that matter the way she treats me.  She just looked at me and walked off.  We then wrote her mother a letter explaining the problems we have been having with her.  Her mother writes back to only my SO and states that I am the problem with why their daughter acts out and this is not the first time that they have expressed that to him and if he eliminates the problem, me, then their daughter would stop acting out.  To my knowledge the only time they have had a problem with me (both he's kids) was when they decided they didn't like OUR rules of the house.  (brush your teeth, make your bed, clean up your messes, etc...) And the SD acts out towards her father also.  She has been VERY unappreciative lately, as been lying to us, and just being plain rude to us and our family.  What on earth do we do?  I am at the end of my ropes and I have to pick them up from school tomorrow.  HELP!

[LizaLou1]

My own 9 year old is unappreciative to most that I do for her.  The older the she gets the more attitude I see. So I think part of that is normal.  I remember my mom saying I didn't appreciate her either.  

Or it could be a sign of something else going on.  It may be pressure from her Mom to not like you and stir up trouble or get your attention.  My niece does that with her dad and SM.  It's unbelievable how  hateful she can be.  It could also be she is jealous of you having her dad.  My 9 year also has that problem from time to time.  Her SM is sick quite a bit and takes up alot of her dad's time.  The rest of the time he is working.  So she complains she doesn't get his time.  

DH is responsible for his kids. for the most part.  But, it's very important to them that I don't try to replace their Mom.  They are teenagers and I'm cool with that.  If they don't follow OUR rules, DH deals with it.  They are his kids, not mine.  That's not to say I don't love them and do a lot for them.  But I don't take their attitude personal because most of it is just garbage  (dirtly looks, not speaking, etc.) from their mom not them, really.  I also have no problem ignoring them for days.  Usually they come around in a couple of hours because at heart they are good kids.  Thier mom is a real piece of work.  PAS should be her middile name, and lying, manipulative, hateful, narcissistic personality should be used early and often when discussing her.  Her wacko behavior makes me bend over backwards to be nice to my ex.

Best of Luck

LizaLou