How could this be handled?

[olanna]

My daughter just got engaged to a long time bf and I must say, I couldn't be happier for her.  I am so proud of all that she is and all that she has become over the years..

She just graduated from college and moved into the house she built not too far from Monterey, CA, with her fiance.

She called her father to tell him the good news and ask if he would come out here to give her away.  In her own words, he laughed and said, "what makes you think I would give you away when you haven't even asked me to come to the wedding?"

So she backtracked and asked him to come to the wedding...and his reply????

"Not if your Mom is going to be at the wedding."

She told him he was immature and she really wished he could get past himself long enough to see what he was missing in life...

(He also refused to come to her college graduation, as he knew I would be there).

Now, tell me...please...

There is so much life that is going to happen in the next few years....weddings, possibly grandchildren...not to mention the son on the east coast's graduation from High school (that I most certainly will attend, no matter what)....

You know, I really wish that we could our differences behind us and make these last few years work out for all the kids.  I know it can be done, as I coparent so very well with my youngest son's dad...we are actually good friends.

I wish there was a way to convince him of this but I just don't know how to do it. I have tried to talk to him on the phone...wrote him a letter but I have run out of ideas...and I feel very sad for my daughter, who really wanted to be given in marriage by her own father.

[Gecko]

It sounds as if your ex really needs to grow up.  Or he is so riddled with guilt that his pride won't allow him to face you (just a feeling here).

The problem is...it's his problem and there is nothing you can do to solve it for him.  Later in life, it's going to hit him...that he missed seeing his daughter graduate from college, that he didn't walk his daughter down the aisle, that he wasn't at the hospital to see his grandchild born and for what?  Because he couldn't grow up?

That's HIS problem, not yours, not your daughter's.

[Kitty C.]

I'm having some of the same kind of issues right now....with choices.  It's HIS choice to go or not to go and since he's an adult, it's his perogative to make that choice.  Nothing you or anyone else will say can change his mind.  You and your daughter can tell him how you feel, but that 's where it ends.  What he does with it after that is up to him.

And years from now, when it hits him like a lead brick as to just exactly what he gave up for his immature pride, he will be the ONLY one who will live with the guilt.

As for your daughter, I know that it must be devastating to her, but remind her that it is HER day and she can do things ANY WAY she wants to, including whomever she wants to walk her down the aisle.  If my father would have been alive when DH and I got married, he would have been there.  Instead, I chose the only other two men in my life who meant the most to me, my son and brother.  I have also seen brides have BOTH parents give them away.  So I got a unique idea you might want to throw by her:  how about YOU giving her away???

But just remember, it's HER decision and ONLY hers as to how she does  and who she wants in her wedding.  And you do have every right to be so very proud of her!  Congratulations!  Soon it will be the grandbabies!

[olanna]

We actually talked about me giving her away....and then we got an idea from a friend....what about all three of her brothers giving her away? They are 25, 15 and 9 and I think it would just be wonderful...

I feel so bad for my daughter. He's missed so much already.  And as I said, there are going to be other weddings, births, etc...and he is going to miss it all because he doesn't want to be around me????

All about him...always was....prolly why we aren't together anymore.

[Kitty C.]

I think the brothers is a WONDERFUL idea!  Kinda like a 'body guard' walking down the aisle, LOL!  Cool!  As you must know, ANYTHING goes in weddings nowadays and if that's what she wants, the hell with what anyone thinks.  It ain't THEIR wedding, it's hers!

As for him, good riddance.  Just remember: at least YOU won't have to live with the HUGE amount of guilt he will eventually have for missing out on all those special events because he was being stupid.  And if he doesn't have any guilt, then he has NO heart, either.  Let him wallow in his self-created POS.  What do you care, right???

Now, I know that you do hurt for your daughter because it disappoints her, but life is full of disappointments.  I know that my mother would have moved heaven and earth if it would have meant my father could have been there to walk me down the aisle, but it wasn't possible.  Didn't change the hurt I felt, but it was just something I had to live with.  But I knew he was watching from above, and that had to be enough.  So if she or you are having a hard time reconciling yourselves to his selfishness, then 'pretend' he's dead.  I know that must sound incredibly morbid, but it might help to get you thru the hurt and disappointment.  And technically, he's 'dead' in your heart, right?  Same applies........

[olanna]

He has custody of my 15 year old....it's hard to pretend he is dead when it's this same crap that keeps me from parenting or even contacting my son.

:(

[MixedBag]

I agree with these folks -- BTDT and that was our position as well.

How about GRANDPA??  Is there one available?

I'd go with Plan A -- Dad.

And line up Plan B.    

[MixedBag]

What's the verdict???

Hopefully she's not serious about eloping...

I know -- the plan will change every week.

Hang in there!

[olanna]

Yes, she really is considering eloping. She called yesterday and sounded sad and tired...I didn't get much of a chance to speak with her, as I was heading out the door to do some work.

I think I am going to call her today....