Unusual Paternity Issue

[outer1]

I would like to ask for comments regarding my ongoing child support case.  There are so many things that have gone "wrong" with my case that I don't know where to begin.  So I would like to first ask about the most difficult topic for me, paternity.  I am using a message forum such as this because I just can't bring this up with anyone close to me because it is too hurtful.

My exwife and I always had an explosive relationship.  We were young and foolish and should never stayed together as long as we did.  During our marriage, I found out that my ex had been cheating on me.  Worst was a letter I found to my ex from another man stating that our son was not mine.  When I confronted her about this, she convinced me that although she did cheat, that our son was indeed mine.  I believed her because I wanted to believe her and by this time our son was almost 3 years old.  

In spite of the turmoil, our divorce was rather dull.  I didn't even have an attorney.  I had the attitude that I was always going to do what was right for my son regardless.  I began paying child support and built up an overpayment of $12,000.  I offered to buy my ex a car so our son could have safe transportation.  I offered to send him to private school, karate lessons or anything else he could want.

This went fine for a while until I got remarried and my ex became greedy.  Thats when we went back to court and things have gotten nastier ever since.

My son is now almost 14 and I am back in court again and being required to provide more financial documentation.  While gathering this documentation, I came across the old letter again.  Now that I have this letter again, my emotions are going crazy.  I have been trying to solve my legal battle for almost 3 years now.  I have been treated like a criminal, hounded by the goverment, and had the worst luck with legal representation that anyone would ever believe.  In addition, my relationship with my son has diminished to nothing.  No phone calls and only brief visits every six months (maybe).

What should I do about this?  Part of me wants to use the letter to stop the pain of the court proceedings.  Of course, if I prove that I am not the true father, I have to deal with another pain.  So if I set my emotions aside for the moment, I would like to ask what the court will respond to.  If there is one thing I have learned over these years, it's that logic doesn't always sync with the law.  I am required to submit my documentation in a week.  I feel this level of documentation is not necessary to resolve this case.  I would like to know if I am the father before I continue to put myself through this legal torture.  Will the court allow this?

Thanks for any responses.

[Stepmomnow]

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

You do not say what state you are in.  This will be very important.  In mosts states (I beleive) if you were married at the time of the birth, and you have treated the child as if he were yours for a certain period of time, you will be responsible for support, even if you could prove he was not yours.  

Not the answer you were looking for....

I suggest trying to improve the relationship with your son, and pushing for visitation.  It feels better to pay for a child you know and love rather than one you don't know.

[outer1]

Hi Stepmomnow,

Thanks for your reply.  Yes, the agony of this ordeal is something no one should have to endure.

We were divorced in Tennessee although I have lived in Texas until just recently.  Now I am in Virginia.  My ex and son are in Tennessee.

The relationship problem with my son was initially constructed by my ex.  Now that my son is older, he has learned the bad behaviors she has taught him.  Now it is his choice not to answer the phone while she does nothing.  Last time I did talk to him (several months ago) he couldn't find two words to say to me.  Again, it is very hard to be "the bad guy" and somehow have the court order him to answer the phone and have him say nothing.  The irony is when I speak to child support and lawyers and hear them repeat over and over, "in the best interest of the child."

It has almost become that I don't know what I am fighting for....

[Stepmomnow]

What my DH does with SS is ask him questions about what he is doing.  But my SS is only 11, and we have joint custody, so it is different.  If I were you, I would call him as often as the court order allows, and talk to him, even if he won't talk to you.  Just give him a monolog about what is going on in your life, making it as funny and interesting as you can.  Because even if he does not talk, he is listening.  

Then I would also insist on visitation as often as the court order allows.  I know that it will probably not be fun at first, but insist that he spend some time with you.  

I think that when kids are mean to either parent (or really anyone) they feel guilty about it, and that guilt then leads to more bad behavior.  (If they loved me they would not let me feel bad about myself when I am mean to them.)  Therefore, your job as a parent is to insist that he spend time with you and treat you decently.  

Just my opinion, and yes, I do know how hard it is and how bad it feels.  I just think that if you even hope to have a relationship with your son, you have to let him know you will not allow him to push you away.  On some level I suspect he wants to you fight for him.

[joni]

consider some serious bonding.  take him away, just the two of you.  force him to get to know you as a man, now that he is a man of 14.

as far as paternity, either way, I think I would want to know if he were biologically mine.  

[reagantrooper]

VERY sad story.

Given the lame ass laws we have in this great land of ours I am sure you will have to keep on PAYING even if the boy is "not" yours.

However;

If you can prove that this rechid evil X of yours knew the boy was not yours. I bet you could sue her for fraud. No way she should get away with this CRIME aginst you and yours.

Deal with the pain without conceding to her. MAKE her pay one way or another.

Good luck to ya!!!!!!

[KAT]

Interesting. Have you spoken to your lawyers concernng which state would have jurisdiction over DNA testing? In VA you can file at any time & therefore support is terminated. You will be awarded back pay from the time of the DNA request but family courts here are barred by law from awarding anything additional. She would have to be sued in civil court where she lives for fraud/pain/suffering, a civil tort. If she owns a home, check state laws because you might be able to attach it pending outcome of the civil hearing (so she can't sell and/or otherwise transfer it...hags like that enjoy such games).

Bottom line, I would want to know. This isn't just about one thing. This is about a son getting to know his biological father. It's about a father finally finding out (I'm sure she lied, lied, lied to him too) that he really does have a son & he shouldn't miss out on the rest of the time with him. It's about siblings, it's about grandparents, it's about Aunts & Uncles who have a right to know that there is additional family out there. This shouldn't be kept a secret because of one woman's adultress behavior. She needs to shown that there are consequence to her actions that can't be hidden anymore. While we can't put a great big letter A on her chest in this century,  don't think for a minute she will not be judged. It's about your children who are being denied financially because of a lie. It's about the time you are missing from work, from your children, from home while you battle it out in court. It's about the money, it's about the stress both physcially & emotionally.  You didn't cause this so you shouldn't have to pay for it. You and the boy are the victims If it turns out you are not the father, she should be criminally charged (I'm working on that here in VA). :)

Good Luck!

KAT