Looking for ideas on how to deal with step-father

[MiRoCK]

Hello everyone!  I'd like to say that I know that everyone had a great Christmas, but there are so many folks here who weren't permitted to be with loved ones...........ourselves included.  

I'm looking for ideas on how to deal with a problem.  I've already posted on Soc, looking for ideas to play in court.  But, I am interested in hearing any non-legal ideas as well.

Here's the problem.

My DH has 3 kids who live with their CP mom.  Mom has recently remarried to boyfriend that she has been living with for several years.  Up until marriage, when Mom was only name on title of house, she made it very clear to boyfriend that it was HER house.  The couple had another baby (causing all kinds of problems for my DH's three kids because not a lot of support for the transition was given to them), resulting in BM quitting her job to stay home with the baby.  Now that BM is financially dependent on her new hubbie, the  STEP-FATHER (who was probably sick of hearing about how it was HER house), has now asserted authority over all matters, including decisions regarding my DH's 3 children.  This includes deciding whether or not the kids get to go to a doctor for an illness and dishing out punishments (including corporal punishments).  

My DH has tried to address these problems with BM on the phone.  No success.  Often, SF grabs the phone away and starts a fight with my DH.  When my DH reminds BM that HE is the biological (and joint legal custodian) of the children, NOT SF, she laughs and says "try to do something about it".

We will be going to court in January to address BM's refusal to provide medical services to children and for a plethora of other contempt of court charges.  

I've searched around on the web for ideas of how to deal with step-parents who try to override a biological parent's authority.  Not many ideas of how to deal with this, so I'm making an appeal to all here.  Help!

(oldest SS has been sick for 3 weeks and my DH asked Mom when

has waded in and is now taken over

[MYSONSDAD]

When is your next visitation? While you have the skids, get that boy to a doctor, pronto. If it is a while off, I would call their local sheriff and have a welfare check done. 3 weeks? OMG

It boggles my mind that SF has a say. Anything in the CO?  I would go back into court and modify any decisions regarding the children should be between the bioligical parents. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY, this is my suggestion only. And I am by no means, an expert...

Another thought, how old is oldest SS? Old enough to call 911 for medical help? But check with your attorney first.

Can anyone else help here?

"Children learn what they live"

[MiRoCK]

Our next visitation isn't until first week of January.  We've called the SS's local doctor, asking her to call us back so we can tell her what's been going on the last few weeks (knowing that BM won't tell her).

Nothing in CO about steps.  When we are in court in January, we want to ask for some official restrictions to be included.  If anyone has examples of wording, that would be great.  We are in the process of transferring custody of oldest SS to us, although BM agreed to cooperate last September, she has done anything but (CFS were involved in that period of time too).  Hence why we have a court date in January......

By the way, oldest SS is 13 years old, but BM and SF have a 'house rule' that the kids aren't allowed to use the phone without advance authorization for each use.  God help them if anything happened to the adults and the kids couldn't call 911 because they aren't allowed to use the phone!

[MYSONSDAD]

That is Bullsh!t. Can't use the phone, sounds like prison.

How far away are they?

6. Suggested Parenting Plan Stipulations
These items should be included in almost any Parenting Plan. Many are standard stipulations that are often overlooked when the Parenting Plan is written. These items may need to be modified to suit specific situations, but should serve as a place to start.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan1.htm - size 5kb - 20 Oct 2003
 
If this does not help you find legal wording, go into the search engine at the top of this web page. Type in Medical or Parenting plans. Something can be found to help you with wording.

Hope this helps!

"Children learn what they live"

[FLMom]

Hope you aren't in Florida. This is personal experience, not a story from a friend of a friend.

I am NCP mother, ex is CP. Daughter complained of a sore throat. I looked, and sure enough with her history of strep I knew what I was looking at. Called ex, and was told that he and new wife knew what to look for and my help wasn't needed. That was Wednesday. Picked the kids up Friday for weekend visitation and her throat was worse, and younger brother's throat was now sore. Both had told their dad they felt bad but he blew it off cause his wife said it looked OK to her. Called the doc when I got them home, got blessed out for calling after hours at the end of the week, and told to come in the next morning. By the next morning all THREE had to be seen. Last two had viral infections, first daughter positive for strep. It was Sunday by the time the diagnosis came through, and he sent her back to school the next day.

We did this two more times with her---same story, strep, and again ignored.

The capper was when I had to take son back to dad's after weekend. He's feeling bad and running a fever Sunday night. Offered to take him to the doc, but no, butt out. He sent him to school the next day, then he had to pick him up when he was running a fever. Didn't take him to the doc until Wednesday afternoon---bronchitis and strep throat. Ex didn't tell me about any of it, my eight year old did. Neglected to tell me he'd been put on steriods either, then sent him to our house with no meds. You don't just stop steriods. They have to be tapered off. AND he was sent back to school that Thursday, with no warning to the school that our son was infectious.

That was the last straw. When we FINALLY made it to court, I made sure there was some ramifications if he pulled this again. Entered now into our agreement, along with true "joint" custodial time, is the notation that if we disagree on medical treatment needed one parent can bring it before the judge at any time for him to decide.

Haven't had a problem since.

By the way, unless the child has lost an arm or something, judges roll their eyes at medical neglect. One person's version of the flu is pneumonia to another.

There's no reason you can't have the order modified, especially in light of the changed circumstances of an added step-parent.

Good Luck,
FLMom

[MiRoCK]

thanks for the parenting plan link.  I will pursue that.  Kids live in TX, we live in Canada!!  We are going for custody of all three children, but as many of you know, it takes several years to convince a judge to change the kids' situation.  We're hoping that the package we've built now will blow the case wide open.  But we thought we were there last May - but judge gave BM a few more 'get out of jail free cards' again.

Thanks again for the suggestion!  I will pursue it to the end!

[MYSONSDAD]

I hear ya on the few extra rides at the expense of the kids.

There are several good plans and it will also help with the wording.

Someone here may also have a clause in their CO that might help.

Good luck!

"Children learn what they live"

[MiRoCK]

Thank you for sharing your story FLMom.  I'm not surprised at all at the difficulties that you had.  Also, I particularly appreciated the viewpoint of how judges view medical neglect.   It is hard to find folks who will share their personal experiences on that vein.  

In the case of our SS, a child psychologist made a recommendation over a year ago for immediate therapy for SS - because he was diagnosed with depression and extreme social anxiety.  No treatment has been provided, even though copay is only $5 a visit.  In Sep, SS told school counsellor that he wanted to commit suicide, but didn't know how to go about doing it.  Apparently, when a child cannot describe HOW they will go about doing it, it tells professionals that the child is not in IMMEDIATE danger, but should be watched closely.

After that happened, BM wanted to put SS in a treatment centre.  DH convinced her to let him have a go at working with him.  She agreed.  But since then, she and her attorney have been playing silly games.  CFS started investigating and close the case based on BM's promise that SS would be moving to live with dad before the end of Dec 2004 (yeah, I know, today is the 27th).  Our efforts to schedule a date in court has been pushed back so many times, I'm not even sure of the exact date anymore (other than it is the second week of January!).  I don't think she can get out of this date anymore.  Taking an emergency orders approach is difficult for us because we live in Canada and you can't always get a flight at the last minute.  

Oh well, thanks for the vent , the support and the ideas.  We will definitely try to limit step parent interference here - and on both sides of the fence, to be fair and transparent!