MixedBag requested a full update on the whole family....

[lucky]

so I thought those of you who've "known" me forever might like to know it as well:

OSD -- is 18 and lives on her own with her "boyfriend" who we all thought was pretty cool, but is turning into a rather controlling, emotionally/verbally abusive guy who is too chicken to see, much less speak, to any of her family. Scary is that she's doing exactly what her mother did 1.5 years ago with the guy she lived with then and that ended in physical abuse in which he tried to lock her in the cellar and strangle her with a curling iron cord. Osd won't listen to anyone either even though she's po'd at him most of the time for treating her like he does. I think he's cheating on her and feels guilty -- treat her bad because she does everything "wrong" and he doesn't feel so guilty because he has a "reason" to cheat, right? As of yesterday she claimed she was moving out, but was only taking her clothes and a few bathroom knick-knacks.  We'll see, sounds like she's just trying to "send a message" to him.

My DD -- is 17 (18 in April) and chose to stay in the foster home an hour away instead of come back to our city after telling me for weeks that she wanted to come back here. Currently she's been demanding that I sign for her driver's license because she wants to go to school for law enforcement. Now THAT'S SCARY (she has three felony convictions on her record as a juvenile, plus misdemeanors and gross misdemeanors)! Oh, and BTW, since she can't get in w/o her DL, it'll be all my fault that she fails in life because then she'll procrastinate and won't ever go to college. She even called her dad to ask him. I have sole custody (legal and physical) and I chuckled because HE knows he can't sign and he called me to see why I wouldn't. On Friday, after he called her back, she was SOOOOOO nice to me. I'll sign when she stops treating me like I'm something to be scraped off your boot AND when I get a sincere apology for the treatment. Sunday I found out that although she won't come here for a home visit, she's had at least one weekend "home" visit with my father and stepmother -- about a MONTH ago. Seems that I'm not important enough to inform of these things, much less see if I'm okay with it when she won't come here.  

Yesterday I told her that it's obvious that I'm only needed to sign for the DL or counseling so I'll sign, she can have it.  I told her that if she ever wanted to visit US, to call and we'd see what we can work out (she has not asked to nor indicated that she wants to visit in 4 months -- not even when I talked about the holidays and what WE (meaning us and her) were going to do).  I think she believes that she's going to TX with her foster parents over the entire Xmas break.  She's upset because she's "losing" me but I told her that when she "changed" her mind about coming back here (our city) on the day of court that pretty much did it.  She said that she chose to stay there because if she came back here, I would begin twisting everything and tell everyone it was her fault "like I always do".  My comeback was that having her in our town so that we could DO the intensive family counseling required for her to live here and wanting her to come back HOME to live BEFORE she was an adult were NOT bad things.  (Sidenote:  those things should have been taken as proof that I DO love her and WANTED her to be a daily part of the family, I think.  One reason that I'm "giving up" is because my health and my sanity depend on it.  She is VERY manipulative and loves to play games.  I never know whether she's telling the truth or not and I just can't handle it anymore.  Anti-depressants and my own counseling just couldn't help me "get over" it.  I need to distance myself from the hurtful things she does -- even if it hurts her.  Hopefully someday she'll understand or will be mature enough for me to explain.)  

Anyway, she's got what she wanted, but it's not good enough once again.  I wish I could live so blindly (her foster mom is like this too) and believe that I am entitled to everything because I exist.  Dd did not believe that way until after she'd been in that foster home for several months.  Ex.  She got her classring (pd for by the foster mother, reimbursed by the county) because "it's not fair that she doesn't get a class ring just because mom and stepdad think she shouldn't have one" when in reality, we said she SHOULD be able to get one IF SHE PAYS FOR IT HERSELF.

OSS -- lives with his mom (ex#1). She's called the cops on him twice in the last 3 weeks. He's on his way to some kind of program, but he won't come back here to live. He said as much because he hates the rules. However, mom is laying down the law (YAY!! About time!) and has told him that if he continues, she WILL continue to call the police and if they ever decide to take him, too bad. He's lucky they haven't already. The second time she called he looked at the cop and said "Why are you even here? What happens between my mom and me isn't any of your business." in an extremely disrespectful tone of voice. The cop was a little ticked off at that.

YSD -- same old, same old. She's 13 and has hit puberty. Screaming temper tantrums when she doesn't get to do stuff. Strange thing is that she won't ASK to do stuff, she just keeps saying she never gets to. She'll get over it, oh in about 5-6 years, maybe sooner. At least she's a normal teenager instead of what the other three were/are.

YSS -- now lives in the same town and ex#2 is having the same problems with him we've been having with DS. They're near the same age. Suddenly ex#2 is calling dh everytime something happens -- dr. visits, conferences, IEP stuff, just general behavior things, you name it, suddenly she "needs" to know how dh feels or what he thinks about it. I'm afraid that she's going to drop him on our doorstep. I can't do it with another one, especially since he's got severe learning disabilities along with the ADHD and behavioral issues. He reads at a first grade level and he should be (age wise) in sixth grade. Funny, but she's doing all the transportation now too -- at HER instigation!

Then there's our DS which you can read about in my other update post.

He and YSD are the ones I'm focussing on now -- we still have a chance with them. The others are too old or too far gone for me to dive right in anymore, I don't have the strength for it anymore, it's been too many years with them and very little progress. Except YSS, but if I focus on him too, then I can't focus enough on DS -- YSD doesn't take that much because she's "normal" so I can include her needs easily (I was like her once! :)  ). Besides, DS and YSD are the only ones who live with us at the moment and they directly affect me so their needs NEED to be addressed immediately.

So, there you have it. Dh and I are having our ups and downs. Still pretty much over the kids -- even the grown and almost-grown ones although it's the younger four that we have the serious disagreements about. We'll survive though, I think.