VERY Possible Temp. Change of Living Arrangements. Assistance Please

[EyeInTheSky]

Good Morning All!

I was a member here for some time during a VISITATION battle in 2003 I believe.  Things got worse...then better...then they evened off.

I have some wonderful news for everybody about the 14 yr. old female child in question (she is in central, MN, small town, kangaroo court) and her father!  In a nutshell, the child LIKELY is coming here for a "trial basis."
 
OMG... I can't believe it. :-)  She's become too much of a handful for
 biomom/step-dad....but is a "good girl" here for the most part.  Long story.

The transfer will LIKELY happen around the middle of March when the school quarters change.......BUT biomom/step dad (and us) want a written agreement.  We have the basics down HOWEVER I'd like to post on the board or have some fine tuning this.  We don't want any loopholes where biomom says, "The girl comes back NOW."  That's not good for the child......it's not good all around.  We KNOW we're missing critical stuff that biomom will use when she starts feeling guilty or whatever she feels.

There's an  unusual twist also.  I (stepmom) live in WI (literally across the river from MN) but DH works in Minneapolis and comes home on weekends.  There just is no pay here unless you consider $9.00/hr good pay for a full time person.  Uggg.  So although the biomom would (insists) retain legal custody of the child... she has relented to doing "the right thing" and letting Dad/hubby have physical custody for the TRIAL PERIOD.....BUT the child will live here in WI and attend school in WI(biomom is fine w/ this).  Oy.  Kinda sloppy.  There are a few more
issues that need addressing

Do you think friends here at SPARC can help w/ wording and issues for this "agreement"?  Biomom refuses attorneys and runs like a scared
puppy at the sound of the word.  Therefore this will have to be a
written agreement, signed and notarized between biomom, biodad, and
the steps (since the child will be living with me).

Oh.....what a mess.  BUT it is a great start I think.

We all MUST meet face to face, hammer this out, get in in writing, etc.  This must be done rather quickly as the child will have to transfer schools and the new school will NEED her records so she can continue schooling, uninterrupted.... and get the credits she needs to finish her 8th grade.

The child IS a handful for biomom and her step dad... however in OUR estimation the main reason is a clear as day. We won't get into that HERE or right now though........and will CONTINUE her counseling in WI.

So is anybody up for a little help writing this document? Warning: I had suggested a re-evaluation of the living arrangements just prior to the middle of August.  Biomom says that's unacceptable..... and at first said a re-eval would be at the end of the school year.  NO...the child would not have time to settle in, have a report' with a counselor, etc.  I had suggested August because of the upcoming school year.

In any case...... THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL!!!!

Jurro....if you're still around... you may remember our case and the kangaroo court in central MN. Oy vey.

We very much look forward to hearing from anybody and everybody who would like to care, share and be a part of this celebration..... and the nuts and bolts that will pull it together!

[Sunshine1]

I am in Central MN and would be happy to help write it up with you.  You can email me at [email protected]
(sunshine1 underscore sparc @yahoo.com)

I am currently in a modification process myself and dealing with not one but two people deciding our children's fate.  We have a Parenting time Expeditor and a GAL who independently each make a recommendation to the court.  Talk about stress.

Send over what ya have so far.  I wrote up my DH's parenting plan, and I had ALOT in there so she couldn't get away with much...but they still try no matter how iron clad you make it.

[EyeInTheSky]

Wow, thanks for the offer.  I will write today.  Look for something from a yahoo addy.... I'll identify myself in the subject line (ya just never know who's yacking at  you, lol).

The biomom does NOT want a "parenting plan."  Honestly I think it's lost on her.  *rolling eyes*  She wants it simple yet structured.

Ya know, I CAN understand her desires and needs as a mother.... but hell, she's gotta allow some wiggle room for the child to get comfortable and build a relationship with others including her new psych and counselor.  Biomom WANTS this, for now, only until the end of the school year or so.  I had SUGGESTED a RE-EVALUATION around the middle (or beginning) of August.  This should allow time for the girl to get her feet semi-planted, counseling to start (hopefully) to be effective and still allow time, if DEMANDED to return to that tiny town in central MN w/ the tiny minds of the ppl. there.  Arggg.

Thanks for listening...... I will write today.

[Misstifyd]

I just want to let you to be careful Bm in our case said same thing, trial basis and we had it signed by everyone and notorized. Ss was living here and going to school here, until BM decided she wanted him back. She picked him up at school on a Friday and took him to new school Monday morning. We went to see our attorney and the GAL that has been involved, guess what....not court ordered there is nothing you can do.
That is the bottom line, everything needs to be done through a court or BM can change her mind.
You do have an advantage of the child's age however if she gets mad at you and her father, which teens do then she will run right back to mom.
I do hope it all turns out for you, just be careful and be prepared for problems.

[EyeInTheSky]

Thanks.... both DH and I looked at your writing and didn't know this. Good grief.... she just TOOK  your SS?

My brain tells me that, sure, it's preferable to get a court modification, but it also tells me that you had your ducks in a row.  She sunk the ducks.

So whatever happened?  Did SS get to come back to you? Did you go into court for a formal modification? Did the temporary custody you had, the paperwork and all stand up at all?

Truly..... this must have hurt SS very much.  It would really screw a kid up for this to happen.  What's wrong w/ these people anyway? Seriously, I know we all keep talking about "what's best for the child"...  but really......... how can that X feel THOSE actions were good for the child?  How can DH's X feel certain things......and then act for what is NOT in the best interest of the child???  I don't get it.

Now MY own son is 24. My 1st husband and I divorced when he was about 1 year old.  I can count the number of visitations he had over all those years on both hands and MAYBE a toe or two.  WHY? Mainly drugs and alcohol.  I was the *bitch* (excuse me pls) that wouldn't let our son go with his father...... his father was DRUNK.  I kid you not.  He'd show up on his motorcycle (arrr) totally smashed.  *sigh*

A few years later, he got with a really lovely woman. A mother herself.  She wouldn't tolerate the booze and drugs.  XH went into rehab and actually dried out.  :-)))))))  His temper was still there....and so was the good woman.  During that time is when our son spent time with them .... pretty freely too.  Actually, it was the woman (they didnt marry) who mainly watched our son.

Then XH started acting erratic again.  I KNEW what was going on... he was drinking again.  I'll never forget the phone call from the girlfriend, so frightened.  She said she was bringing *J* home as my XH threatened to spank him w/ a 2x4 board for getting smart w/ him. (XH has said something like, "I'm your father and you will listen to me"  Which our son answered, "If you're my Daddy, where have you been all my life?")  He was so erratic that the longtime girlfriend tried to get all the children out of the house and to a neighbors house.  When she called me on the phone I told her that he was drinking again.  She denied it...... until she started finding bottles hidden.

Anyway, I sure am off the subject.  Sorry.  I totally missed the point where I was going to tell how, when XH and g/f first got together they/he tried to get custody of our son.  There was no way he was gonna get custody..... because he was a DRUNK and drug user (heavy).  Unfortunately, I DID have to be dirty a little and threaten to expose him as he molested his own niece for years... and the niece would testify to this. ~~~~  So I do understand there are circumstances where I BELIEVE the child should NOT be with the NC parent..... and other times (like now, w/ my SD) when the NC parent is the best thing for the child.

Ramble, ramble, ramble....... on I go.  Too much coffee I guess.  LOL

Thanks again for answering.  I PRAY that this all works out.  A letter has been sent to DH's X proposing a meeting date for signing paperwork.  I don't believe she knows about things you spoke of...... and TOTALLY PRAY that she never does this.  THE CHILD NEEDS WHAT SHE CAN NOT OFFER RIGHT NOW and BM knows this.

Blessings!  Thank you!