LOLOLOLOL!!!!

[Brent]

Found on another board. This is a hoot!


In another thread, "Hottie?" mentioned something about how she liked some guy but she "couldn't say something to him about it". I hollered bull*** because I thought that was just plain lame- like I said, it's not like there's a law preventing her from approaching him.

But then I thought, maybe she's not chicken, or afraid of rejection- maybe she just never learned how to ask a guy out. Therefore, I present free of charge to her and all women everywhere, a short Field Manual For Chicks, "How To Pick Up Any Guy Anywhere Anytime".

[font size=+1]How To Pick Up Any Guy Anywhere Anytime
by AC[/font]

How To Pick Up Any Guy Anywhere Anytime by AC
A Field Manual For Women

Okay ladies, pay attention. It's come to our attention that some of you refuse to act like adults and ask guys out yourselves. Instead, like coma patients in the Scheduled Euthanasia Ward, you wait for them to come to you. If you want respect, grow a fucking spine and start asking us out. Otherwise we'll never, ever respect any of you in any meaningful way.

A note to the guys: You have to understand that to women, sex is like air- they can get all they want at the drop of a hat. It means nothing to them so they have no immediate sense whatsoever of its worth to men. They have no idea how hard most guys have to work -yes, work- just to have sex. Guys, keep this in mind should you ever find yourself in the Target Role below.


HOW TO PICK UP A GUY - METHOD 1

1) Approach the guy whom you want to go out with.

2) Smile, look right at him, and bat your eyelashes. Like this: . No words are necessary at this point. Stand close, but not too close. Don't make any sudden movements (you don't want to spook him).

3) If the guy appears confused, it's likely due to the fact that no woman has ever approached him and smiled. It's easy to get past this unfortunate deficit in his life experience- just repeat Step 2 a couple more times.

4) An idea will begin to form in the guy's brain. Be patient, we're not good at this stuff. Keep doing Step 2 and look into his eyes. You may in some cases need to make a verbal noise. Any noise will do, such as "Ummm....". (You can even go so far as to use an actual word, like "hi, ", but don't overdo it.)

5) Eventually, the idea will find its way down to the lower part of the male's brainstem along the thoracic ganglia*. This may take as long as 30 to 40 seconds or even longer if he has recently been exposed to a picture of Bea Arthur from 'Maude' or worse, Janet Reno. (Note that it would be quicker if only the idea stopped to ask for directions.)

6) In extreme cases, the male may still be confused. Look for the classic "Deer-In-The-Headlights" expression on his face. Remember, chances are the male has never actually been in this peculiar world-upside-down / woman-wants-me situation. Keep repeating Step 2 and smiling, you know, .

7) The idea finally penetrates the interior brainstem region (the Medulla Oblongata), the male limbic system kicks in and *boom* you're off to the races. Ride 'em Cowgirl! Now all you have to do is think up something to do, plan the event, arrange or provide transportation, and foot the bill, and see us home. Just like we do. God Bless Equality. :)

NOTES:
Total Words Expended: 1 (optional)
Total Time On Target: approx 1 minute
This approach will work, unless you're so hideous that you have to sneak up on a mirror.
Failure modes: If this approach fails, there are normally only three (3) identifiable reasons:

1) Subject is gay. Very, very gay.

2) Subject is an android.

3) Subject is dead and rigor mortis is causing him to remain upright.


*The brainstem is the pathway for all fiber tracts passing up and down from peripheral nerves and spinal cord to the highest parts of the brain. It tastes like chicken.
===============================================================


HOW TO PICK UP A GUY - METHOD 2

1) Approach the guy whom you want to go out with.

2) Put your hand down his pants, smile, fondle, and say "Hi!"

3) That's it. (Note: If you overdo this, your new date may trip you and beat you to the floor. This usually won't happen in public place like a police station.)

Note: I have never seen this fail, not even when used on a blind, gay, quadraplegic monk who had been caught in a grain press and whose body more or less ended just above the belly-button.


===============================================================

HOW TO PICK UP A GUY - METHOD 3

1) Buy a copy of The Rules.

2) Do not approach the guy you'd like to go out with. Ignore him completely.

3) Sit at home, night after night, watching Jeopardy and wondering why no one ever calls you.

4) Repeat Step 3 for about 20 years, until it finally dawns on you what an incredible dumbfuck you've been for wasting the best years of your pathetic life waiting for Mr. Right to come to you.

5) In a final attempt to get a man, stowaway on a troopship with a gallon of Jack Daniels under each arm. This attempt fails when the Army Rangers find a copy of The Rules in your purse.

6) Finally have sex (technically) with the night janitor at age 84 while in a coma at the Old Worthless People's Home.

Note: While you were at home your friends were out sucking down shooters and having fun. When they talked about you, the words "stupid prude" and "dumbass" come up frequently, mixed with laughter.


===============================================================

OTHER NOTES:

HABITAT:
Males are found all over, practically anywhere you go. This game animal is plentiful and they often run in packs as a "group" or "crew". There are no bag limits or restricted areas, and the season is open all year long.


Copyright 2005 by Anonymous Coward

[MYSONSDAD]

Please post any replies you get....

"Children learn what they live"

[4honor]

and I have seen the accuracy of this.  Works about 90% of the time on any given targeted male.

[Peanutsdad]

ROFLMAO!!!!


I like it!!

[msme]

So that's what I been doin wrong!!!

LOLROTFLMAO!!!

Good one Brent. Thanks.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!