I need help fast!!!

[breck070202]

I will try to keep this as short as possible.   I met my husband 3 1/2 years ago - knowing that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child.  We got married in the summer and right before Christmas we receive paperwork from DCSE that a case has been opened for support.  Paterinty was established and after one phone call to the mother - my husband said he would pay support, but he wanted visitation - she wrote a letter to DCSE stating that she did not want support.  We thought everything was finished.  Then 3 months ago we get a letter from DCSE saying that my husband owes over $4000 in back child support.  When he called the caseworker for the case, all she would say was that there was past due support and that it had to be paid.  My husband tried to call the mother and her response "I don't have to let you see MY son, child support has nothing to do with visitation."

We do the only thing we know.... hire a lawyer.  He writes up a parenting plan giving 50/50 custody with no support - what we think is fair.  She hires a lawyer who writes back that the mother wants sole custody with limited visitation for fear of abuse and neglect.

I was shocked.  I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage and my husband and I have a 2 year old daughter together.  He is the best father to both of the girls.  He shows no "favorites" - he loves both girls.  (and just for the record my ex-husband and I have a very good relationship - he pays support that I put into an account for my daughters future - car, college, wedding, etc. - he don't bicker about visitation or support - we are very understanding with eachother).

I guess what I'm asking for is advice, a pep talk, anything.  I know it is nearly impossible for a father - especially one who has had no contact with his son, at the mothers request - to get custody.   But this mother doesn't have a job, she lives with her father, I don't see that that could be the best envirnment for my husbands son - but I am not wanting to take him away from his mother.  I only want what's best for him.

Thanks in advance for any help......

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Y'all have many decisions to make together.

If you want this boy to be a part of your lives, it will come with 15 years of chaos and conflict.

The mother will likely fight you every step of the way.  It's great that you and your ex-husband have a cooperative relationship, but not all parents are like that.  You and your current husband may be like that, but all it takes is an unreasonable person to create havoc.

So, here's the situation:

1.  Your husband will be paying child support from here on out.  That's a given.

2.  Your husband likely won't get sole custody EVER unless the mother is a heroin addict and her father is a molestor.  It's not likely that your husband will get 50/50 for at least several years, if ever.  There's a decent chance that the mother will get sole custody, based upon what you outlined and presuming she's not unfit.

3.  To fight the mother, it will be costly.  You may end up paying $10k in attorney fees just through the first hearing, and if a custody evaluation is ordered, you may pay another $10k, all within the first year.

4.  There is a 3 year old boy somewhere who has ZERO bond with his biological father, and vice versa.  That 3 year old boy likely has NO PARENTAL CONFLICT in his life right now.

5.  If your husband can let it go at just paying child support, your marriage will not be strained by dealing with the mother of his child.


All signs are pointing to this gearing up to a highly conflicted and contested custody situation, and your husband has the uphill struggle... how is a court supposed to take him seriously when he WALKED AWAY FROM THE CHILD?!  It will take quite a while of being involved with this child for your husband to have as much credibility to act in the boy's best interest as the mom will have.

The mother's claim of abuse fear is common, but that is only the beginning of stuff like that.  It's a taste of more to come... so think about that.

A custody fight can be consuming, can distract you and husband from your two kids, can eat up your finances, and can really test a marriage.

If you and your husband want what's best for this child... before deciding what to do, I suggest you may want to spend some money on a private investigator.

Find out more about the mother and her father.  If a private investigator comes back and says that they seem normal, stable, non-criminal, home every night, takes the kid out to have fun during the day, have normal friends, no signs of drugs... it may be a bit easier to walk away from a custody fight.

If the P.I. turns up some disturbing dirt, it'll make your decision easier AND you'll have evidence for use in a custody battle.

Also, if you want to read about some of the things that occur during all stages of child custody litigation, take a gander at my website (read some of the scenarios that people have asked me about).

If your husband is a religious man, it may be worth a chat with his rabbi, priest, reverend, etc to try to determine the best moral decision from among all bad choices.

You're in a really tough position.  Good luck with it.