Visit with my Dad convinced me... (LONG)

[4honor]

...I must write a handbook for children of high conflict divorce.

I drove 7 hours to go see my Dad this weekend. We REALLY talked about my mother for the first time. She has been dead since November 4, 1988 and they had been divorced since 1983 (amazing the kind of damage a vindictive CP can do to their child(ren) in less than 5 years.)

I told him that very early in the process I had blamed him for abandoning us to my mother (she was looney toons) and making us suffer through the alienation, and her mental abuse.  

I told him about what she put us through just to see him -- he was a truck driver and was home on a weekend about once a month. She used to tell me that she was going to kill herself if I went to see him, and that I should have my father come through the door first when he brought us home... there was alot more, but it was all a real mess with my head. Its been 22 years and the physical response to the memory was as fresh as if it were last month.

It was very healing to hear the pain in my father's voice as he explained that he left because she kept threatening to leave (while he was on the road) if he didn't. I could tell he was pained not only for us (6) kids, but for the wife he loved and lost. (Still waters run deep.)

He asked why we never said anything. Until that moment, I guess I assumed he knew and was simply too busy trying to make ends meet to rectify the situation. It cemented a hole that went all the way through me when he said that if he had known, he would have kicked her out on her backside and he would have  fought EVERYBODY to protect us from that. And he insists, he would have won. I believe he just might have.

Until Saturday, my father had never said anything negative about my mother, except that she was "difficult, and had alot of problems she never got addressed." He did not slam her personally, but he outright condemned her actions. I needed that, and as parents, I do not think we need to be afraid of doing the same. Kids understand there is a right and a wrong. Kids are confused when we do not take a hard stance against wrong.

There are alot of things children of high conflict divorce need to know and need to do. Maybe my own experience can be useful in preventing ongoing harm to these kids.

[wendl]

4-
I know exactly how you feel but my father was the one that passed away in 1989.

My father never said anything bad about my mother at least not when I was around, my mom said crap about my dad all the time.

I miss my father very much and rejoice in the time we had together, he taught me to be friendly and kind to everyone, he was so outgoing and loved his kids very much.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Ref]

My mom was a great PASer. She would say or imply bad things about my dad and then say how they are best friends. Made me hate him so much that I actually punched a payphone and turned my hand black when I heard that he was coming to pick me up from school when I was 16. She was smart though. She made it as though she wasn't trying to put him down, she just was INFORMING me of things he did. Then, when I was disgusted with him as much as possible, she would encourage visitation.

To this day, she lets the poison slip about him or his family. She still claims they are best friends. I battle with feeling sorry for her, because her life is filled with this poison and resenting her for keeping me fom getting close to my dad.

Now that I am in my 30's, I have a strained relationship with my mom and a much warmer one with my dad.

[Troubledmom]

*** Kids understand there is a right and a wrong. Kids are confused when we do not take a hard stance against wrong. ***

But how do we do it without drawing them into the conflict?

Recent scene in my house:

DD: Dad says that he will die before I get to live with you again
TM: Well now that is pretty silly for him to say
DD: Would he kill himself if I got to live with you?
TM: hmmm... I don't think he would
DD: I think he might kill you though
TM: I don't think so, Dad is just mad right now
DD: It scares me
TM: I bet it does. I think I would be scared too
DD: Who would I live with if Dad killed you?
TM: Well I suppose if something happened to Dad and I where we couldn't take care of you your Aunt or Uncle would take care of you
DD: That would be ok

It took SOOO much to not tell her that Dad was a complete a$$hole :-(

TM

[4honor]

"But how do we do it without drawing them into the conflict?

Recent scene in my house:

DD: Dad says that he will die before I get to live with you again
TM: Well now that is pretty silly for him to say

Alternate Answer (AA):  Sometimes people say hurtful things when they are angry. It doesn't make it right. Sometimes they say it to get a reaction and sometimes they say it to vent emotions when they feel powerless. just because someone is grown up doesn't mean they have it all together or that they act mature like an adult at all times.

DD: Would he kill himself if I got to live with you?
TM: hmmm... I don't think he would

AA: you know that if I thought he would I would make sure he got help so that it would not happen. I may not love him anymore, but I would never want you to be hurt by anything happening to him.

DD: I think he might kill you though
TM: I don't think so, Dad is just mad right now

AA: This is one of those times when someone is venting emotions to feel less poweless. Anger can be a pretty strong emotion and it can drive some pretty scary outbursts.

DD: It scares me
TM: I bet it does. I think I would be scared too

AA: Fear can be a good thing, it keeps us from jumping off buildings and walking in front of speeding trains, but it is a bad thing when someone uses fear to control someone else. I think I would be scared under the same circumstances too.

DD: Who would I live with if Dad killed you?
TM: Well I suppose if something happened to Dad and I where we couldn't take care of you your Aunt or Uncle would take care of you

AA: While I don't believe your father would intentionally harm me,  I suppose if something were to happen and Dad and I couldn't take care of you, your Aunt or Uncle would take care of you.

DD: That would be ok"

The idea is to comdemn the actions (the menacing, the tantrums, the poor role model) without saying anything about the other parent directly.

My father never said, "Your mother was insane and the abusive PBFH should die for her crimes against you." He said, "How she treated you was not OK with me and if I had known I would have made changes."

It is OK to say "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR AND I AM NOT POWERLESS IN THE MATTER. I CAN FIGHT IN YOUR DEFENSE IF NEED BE."

[wendl]

well mom and I don't get along, never believed her lies (to strong headed) I am in my 30's too, I have a strong relationship with my fathers widow as I never guessed if she loved me and my moms hatred towards my father and her actually pushed me closer to them


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**