My SD was molested by her Step-father

[g_staiger]

We live in Missouri.  My SD is 14 and told me her Step-Father sexually Molested her when she was 9.  She said she told her mom and her mom didn't believe her.  She has also recently brought it up to her mom and she said, "Little girls lie".  The reason she remembers being 9 is because when she was she asked me why she would have blood in her underwear and we thought she started her period.  We called her mom and told her and then later she called us back and said she was told it was normal for 9 year old girls to start their period that young.  That was the only time she bleed until she really started her period at age 12.  She begged me not to tell anyone and I explained to her how serious this is and that he might do it to someone else or already has.  Her step-father has 2 younger bio children in their home.  I called the child abuse hotline and our local family services office called and told us not to return her home on sunday and not to allow contact with the step-father at all and her mom can't call her at all.  If her mom does see her we have to be present and she can't discuss any of this with her.  And until she goes to see someone on Monday, nobody else can discuss it with her either.  DFS called her mom yesterday and explained what was going on and we had to sign some paper work.  After my SD sees the counselor or whoever it is she is going to see monday, they will interview everyone: BM, Step-dad, me, BF, and their children.  

I'm curious if anyone has been through this or knows someone who has? Also, what can we expect?

[BelleMere]

No matter what comes of this, you are doing the right thing by your SD. She needs to know someone believes her and cares that this happened. Chances are she will be very angry with her Mom over this as the years pass.

Meanwhile, do exactly what DFS tells you to do but don't stop paying child support (it's tempting to do so, but you have to have a CO to stop it). This is just the initial investigation and doesn't mean anything yet - they have not confirmed or denied the allegations. Also, you have a right to record all these interviews as they happen, if you want to (at least, the ones you and your DH are involved in). Our experience with CPS was positive in the sense that we now have custody of my skids and their Mom is in jail for what she did to them, but even during the process it was clear that the social workers are not on anyone's "side" - likewise, they are not on your "side." For example, in our case, my DH ended up being accused of negligence even though BM was the one who was CP and had done everything in her power to keep him from being involved in what she did. Sometimes the state forces both parents to be "charged" when only one is at fault. Hence, the reason for recording everything, keeping all records, and informing your lawyer promptly. In addition to this investigation, there should be a police investigation of the stepdad - and you might want to contact a lawyer or call the DAs office to find out if that depends on DFS recommending an investigation or if you can call to report it to them as well.

Good luck and hang in there.

[4honor]

1)  I was the child. I was repeated raped/molested and sodomized by my Perp. My BM did not believe me... told me she'd beat me if it were true that I LET my perp do that to me... I shut up and took it 5 more years before pulling a knife on perp (not BF or SF). Perp left me alone and started in on younger sister... I did not know.

2) I was BM/CP and DD was 4. Neighbor raped DD. I co-operated fully with the police and perp was jailed. But DD was a mess emotionally.

3) I was the BM/CP. DD (now 21) was molested by my then boyfriend. I lost custody because I "reserved judgement", said I was not sure when it could have happened,  and went looking for  help for DD (instead of stringing boyrfriend up by his testicles). DA and CPS said it was not good enough.  Relationship w/ DD is rocky but not destroyed and only took 13 years to get to this point with DD. I lost custody of DD though  boyrfriend was never tried for the crime.

4) DS1 and DS2 state SS has sodomized them. Case is ongoing. We are cooperating with the authorities. SS is NEVER alone with the two younger boys. DH is NCP of SS. This occurred in our home and only came out after about 18 months of it occurring. SS is 14. DS1 & DS2 were devastated that they would not be able to see SS... so the DA renigged and allowed it during the day only. We went camping recently and SS had to have his own tent in order to go and must be with DH or I at ALL times. BM has not been cooperating with the authorities and SS has a 50/50 shot at being put in foster care. For SS to have been doing this since age 12, he is likely the victim of someone else and BM has done nothing about it.  We'll see.

[cathy]

They have lived with me and their father now for almost 2 1/2 years - since they told us about the abuse.

The older girl told her mother 18 months before telling us.  Her mother convinced her it was a "misunderstanding" - never told us, never got the kid any counseling, nothing.  My stepdaughter got scared and recanted to her mother at the time.

We got an emergency customer hearing and we were awarded temporary custody.  We also reported it to the police and criminal charges were filed.  Got to court, and he pled guilty to a lesser charge.

The mother STILL does not believe the girls and is still with the molesting scum.  Neither girl will see or talk to their mother.

email me if you'd like: [email protected]

[g_staiger]

My SD was interviewed yesterday, she was so nervous.  They had a camera on her and 3 people behind a mirror.  She did great. The case worker said when she talked to BM and told her there are allegations of sexual abuse, BM didn't even ask what they are, which is a HUGE red flag on her part.  That proved to the case worker that BM was told by my SD that she was molested by her step-dad.  The case worker recommended we get an attorney and get full custody of my SD.  I have no idea where we are going to get the money to do this.  

Does anyone know how we can get started on our own or in the cheapest possible way?

My husband and I have to be interview later this week in front of law enforcement and the case worker.  Then I assume BM and Step-dad will follow.  I can tell my SD is having lots of regrets about telling me about this.  She keeps saying that her step-dad has changed since this happens and she doesn't think he is doing it to anyone else.  She is feeling real guilty.  I'm sure this is normal...I hope. Thanks for all the support and responses. :)

[4honor]

that we all like to expect the best in people, but that peope who manifest pedophile behaviors get worse, not better on their own... when we think they have changed or outgrown these behaviors they have only generally chosen a younger/weaker victim (she's too old now, as she has her menses) and they have gotten smarter/sneakier at it.

Let her know you understand that she does not wish to destroy this man or her family and that it is a hard thing, but that until SF gets the help he needs it will keep happening to more and more kids... and she doesn't want that to happen.

There was a recent Oprah show on now-grown children of molestation. They talked near the end about the love/hate relationship. Because she hates what he did to her does not mean she knows what to do with the love and trust she has for him, or the overwhelming guilt about tearing apart her family.

Remind her that this is not revenge for his actions, but a combination of consequences and a need to make things the best for everyone that you can. SF brought this on himself for taking advantage of a child... something that is illegal and he did it anyway.

Remind her that if she saw SF kill someone, but he never did it again, that he shouldn't get away with that either... but that what he did do is just as destructive to HER LIFE and the effects just as devastating to her family as if he did.

There are peer support groups out there for teens like her. They can be invaluable.

[cathy]

By the sheriff's detective.  Later, the girls were interviewed/taped during a CME (Criminal Medical Exam).  They also were examined by a doctor.

Yes - it is hard on the kids.  Is your SD in counseling?  CPS in this area also had some group sessions - our girls didn't ever participate, but it may help.  We also attended a workshop for non-offending parents.

And the feeling guilty - - I'm sure that is normal.  My girls don't feel that now - but the older one did when she first told her mother.  That's why she recanted.  She was concerned about what would happend to her mother and to her stepfather.

In our case, we always thought the stepfather was great.  He always seemed to be the one that would do things with the kids - take them places, spend time with them.  Well - that's what molesters do!  If they were mean and nasty, the kids wouldn't let them get away with what they do.  It is normal for kids to like their molesters and to feel badly for them and want to protect them.   That is exactly how a molester works and how they get away with it.

[g_staiger]

No, my SD is not in counseling yet.  I hope after all of this she doesn't recant. I know she is worried about her mom being in trouble.